Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 opens November 16th and Summit just released this new clip, called “Acting Human,” in which the other vampires attempt to teach vampire Bella how to pass as human, while Taylor Lautner just sits there with all the charisma of a balloon with abs drawn on it. If you always hated Twilight because you thought vampires were supposed to be scary, you’re going to love this clip, because these vampires are f*cking terrifying. My fear of having my blood sucked by undead minions of Satan pales in comparison to that of being stuck at a crustless sandwich party with a bunch of cardigan-wearing conformity monsters with pearls and conservative haircuts who drink Pinot Gris and talk about the weather. Just look at these zombified assholes literally telling Bella how to fake being human in order to fit in:
Wait. Hold on. Have I… have I actually been misreading Twilight all along? Is the vampirism actually just a metaphor for the soul-sucking ennui and oppressive conformity of white upper middle class existence? Vampires that are so neutered that they only drink animal blood, living a sanitized existence with a constant stifling of their base urges and practicing abstinence and procreative-only sex until it literally tears them up inside? Dear God, it all makes sense! It’s like American Psycho with sparkly eunuch vampires! MY GOD, I THINK I FINALLY UNDERSTAND!
I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion. There is an idea of a Peter Facinelli; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my side part, and you can touch my cardigan and feel cashmere against your skin and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable… I simply am not there.
LOOK AT THAT HAIR AND FACE! There is no way that’s not a critique of bored, white, Middle America. You are not your cardigan. You are not your f*ckin’ side part.
And in case you’re on the fence about seeing this, might I remind you that this is a real gif from the movie: