Weekend Movie Guide: Chet Haze’s Dad Stars In ‘Cloud Atlas’

In Theaters Everywhere: Cloud Atlas, Silent Hill: Revelation 3D, Fun Size

FilmDrunk Suggests: I guess Cloud Atlas looks pretty cool, even though I have absolutely no clue what it’s about. I tried reading a synopsis of the book, but I passed out. Sorry, but if my literature doesn’t start with, “Dear Penthouse, I never thought it would happen to me”, then I just can’t read it.

Cloud Atlas

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 59% critics, 79% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“The result is maddening, exasperating, occasionally exhilarating — and mostly boring.” – Peter “Mount” Rainer, Christian Science Monitor

“’Cloud Atlas’ deserves praise if only for not being the baggy, pretentious disaster it could have been in other hands.” – Ann Hornaday, Washington Post

Armchair Analysis: A few weeks ago, Chester Hanks (AKA Chet Haze), son of Tom and father of Northwestern University hip hop, Tweeted that he attended a screening of Cloud Atlas and he loved it. So if you need any other reason to see any movie other than “Chet Haze loved it”, you, my friend, are the pickiest person on Earth.

Silent Hill: Revelation 3D

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 18% critics, 85% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Only true devotees of the game are likely to recognize many of the figures on the screen, or care about a byzantine story stitched together from innumerable horror and fantasy shows.” – Peter Howell, Toronto Star

“Hollywood, this isn’t good enough. Silent Hill deserves better. Audiences deserve better. Video games deserve better. And frankly, the film industry deserves better.” – William Bibbiani, Crave Online

Armchair Analysis: I’ve already pointed out that the first Silent Hill film was released six years ago and it was terrible, so why there’s suddenly a sequel is well beyond my understanding. Well, except for that whole easy money part. But despite that confusion, I’m actually excited to see Revelation, because it looks even worse than the first one. It looks like a Halloween Horror Nights commercial, complete with a Michelle Williams lookalike.

Fun Size

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 28% critics, 65% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“There’s little fun to be had in this foolish Halloween comedy that generates many more eye rolls than laughs.” – Claudia Puig, USA Today

“It feels like a project that was pitched for the CW but watered down for Nickelodeon audiences. In the end, everyone loses.” – Adam Graham, Detroit News

Armchair Analysis: On one hand, Victoria Justice is fun to look at (if she’s of age, not sure), but on the other hand, this looks like the laziest rip off of Superbad. I don’t know, this movie just seems like someone in a studio office said, “Hey, we should whip up a quick Halloween comedy for teens” and then they pulled out an envelope filled with petty cash and gave it to an intern to direct it. Then again, Victoria Justice is fun to look at.

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