Burnsy already broke the news yesterday accompanied by this glorious Photoshop, but in case you didn’t trust an early exclusive from a site called “gossipcop,” rest easy as it has been confirmed, Channing Tatum has been named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. Burnsy and I feel pretty confident in taking credit for all of C-Tates’ success thus far, and we couldn’t be happier for him.
But of course, the internet couldn’t simply accept this news without starting
“I really think it’s time that we as a nation confront @PeopleMag about their Sexiest Man Alive voting. Recount! #teamryan” wrote @haleyleigh.
“Channing Tatum looks a lot like this one guy I regretted making out with. Gosling looks like the human personification of Ecstasy. #teamryan” wrote @summeranne.
“One could make the argument that Ryan Gosling would even be the sexiest man dead, too. #teamryan,” wrote @samir.
“PEOPLE should just start a monthly Ryan Gosling mag to make up for the travesty of not picking him for Sexiest Man again. #teamryan” wrote @msmarysa.
“Seriously, does People magazine have something against Gosling? No offense Tatum, I think you’re tops, just not as tops as #teamryan” @Gillian_English [AlbanyUnion]
Stop it, just stop. This is stupid. Look, I’m the President of Huggalo Nation, but comparing Baby Goose and C-Tates is like comparing the white swan to the… uh… the swan that dresses like a black swan. Sometimes you want a sweet boy who’ll bake you a lasagna and sing double dutch rhymes with your niece, and other times you want a guy to drop the beat and wave his C-piece in your face. True story: When SirMixaLot sang “even whiteboys got ta shout,” he was talking about Channing Tatum. Let’s let him enjoy the moment, shall we?
“My first thought was, ‘Y’all are messing with me,'” says Tatum, who married actress Jenna Dewan-Tatum in 2009. “I told Jenna after we’d been in the bathtub washing our dogs because they’d gotten skunked.”
Says the actor: “She was like, ‘What?'”
“Yeah, she calls me [the Sexiest Man Alive] now,” he adds. And who can blame her?
Her Alabama-bred heartthrob of a husband is also a sculptor who quotes Edgar Allan Poe [!!!], loves to give her massages and can’t wait to start their family. “I’m ready; I think she’s ready,” Tatum, 32, says. “The first number that pops into my head is three, but I just want one to be healthy and then we’ll see where we go after that.”
“It’s really easy for us guys to say, ‘I want like 15 kids,'” he continues. “Jenna will be like, ‘Well you better get another wife!'” [People]
C-Tates being a good friend of Burnsy’s, I had Burnsy track him down to get an exclusive quote:
“But yo Jenna D-1, I can find me another boo. I ain’t want 2, but if U ain’t gimme no choice, I B like peace in da Mideast, right? And I’mma have my babies, word. I’mma name da first son Son and another B Lil C-Tates and ain’t no daughter gon happen cuz she B all like, Yo daddy lemme get some cash 4 Hennessy and condoms, right? U gots 2 put a stop 2 dat noise. In concussion, I like 2 fank my peeps at Peeps and all da fly boos wit dem titteez.”