The other day I was passing time between power squat sets by watching the last season of Workaholics, and I completely forgot that in the episode that Anders’ dad comes to visit, the lovable f*cked up trio has tickets to go see GI Joe: Retaliation. That didn’t make sense, of course, because Paramount pushed the film back from the summer to next year, because the film needed some re-shoots. Oh, and also because people were hella pissed that Channing Tatum dies in the beginning. Not cool, Paramount.
Now that the re-shoots are over – remember, we gave you the exclusive first storyboard – it’s safe to assume that Paramount and director Jon Chu did everything possible to make it look like C-Tates doesn’t actually die, because – and this is just pure speculation – they’ll probably pay him a metric ass ton of cash to star in GI Joe: Duke Sav3s Da Rec C3nta. And that prediction makes sense, because C-Tates has already proven that he’s an A-lister with three films earning north of $100 million each this year, so natural progression would suggest that he’s in line for a $20 million payday.
But I’m twerkin’ way ahead of myself this morning. The point is that GI Joe: Retaliation has a new international trailer, and Paramount absolutely made it look like C-Tates maybe possibly doesn’t die.
This reminds me of when I saw Executive Decision and I was all like, “Hell yeah, Steven Seagal AND Kurt Russell! This is the best!” And then 15 minutes into the movie, I was like, “Hell yeah, just Kurt Russell!” But in defense of this sequel to what was one of the worst movies of the last decade, Paramount is basically replacing Marlon Wayans and C-Tates with The Rock, Bruce Willis, Ray Stevenson and Walter Goggins, in addition to the veiled promise that C-Tates will be back for part 3. I’m not much for second chances, but they have my attention.