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Tag Team: Ranking This Year’s Black List in Terms of Listlessness

By / 12.21.12
Scripts of the 2012 Black List

Tag team, back again! The last time out Vince MANcini and I looked at the Sundanciest titles we could get our grubby little hands on. This time we're weighing the pros and cons of the infamous Black List, a collection of the "most liked" screenplays that still seem to be struggling to find production budgets. Some of these projects are undoubtedly winners, while others could very well be turkeys. But who will sort through this quagmire? Are there even any real writer-men left to discuss this important issue, what in this economy?

There are, and you have found them. I present 20 Black Listed scripts for your consideration, as voted upon by 290 film executives, chosen at random to ensure that the most "buzzy" scripts weren't the only ones getting love. You go cram it, buzz!

Since none of these movies have been made yet, we've chosen banner pictures by doing a shutterstock search for the title and choosing the best picture. For instance, the picture above came from "making a list" and the picture is called "journalist making an expression." Now, let's get it on ...

Draft Day

"Draft horse sleeping in snow."


 

Draft Day - On the day of the NFL Draft, Bills General Manager Sonny Weaver has the opportunity to save football in Buffalo when he trades for the number one pick.

CHANCES IT WILL BE MADE
This is the most popular script on the Black List, with over 65 executives voting for it, so it sure seems like someone will take a chance, though perhaps not with the NFL's blessing.

WHY HASN'T IT BEEN MADE ALREADY?
Well, the NFL is notoriously prickly about their trademarks, they only allow logos and uniforms to be used when the product is guaranteed to be Schmaltz (Hi Jerry Maguire!). Also, wouldn't the Bills have a pretty good shot at getting the #1 pick without having to trade for it? Heeeeyoooooo, football jokes!

WHO WE'D CAST
Paul Giamatti seems like a Buffalo guy, and he'd do a beleaguered GM justice.

ENDANGERED SPECIES THIS SCRIPT WOULD BE
The Dhole, because Jack Kemp played for the Bills and knew Bob Dole while they were in Congress. Also, Dholes are crazy cute, just like this idea. Lastly, D-Hole is what we call Frotcast Ben behind his back.

-Laremy

Scripts of the 2012 Black List

(I chose the happy version of "dying girl." The other one is INSANELY DARK.)

Me & Earl & The Dying Girl - Based on Jesse Andrew's eponymous novel, a quirky high school student who enjoys making films sparks a friendship with a classmate dying of leukemia.

CHANCES IT WILL BE MADE
Pretty good. It's not exactly a tentpole, but you can pump out these weepies for cheap and collect that sweet, sweet sad-mom money. The book basically sounds like if Perks of Being a Wallflower and a Nick Sparks novel started sixty-nining. Possibly conflict: the generic art kid demo of Perks may conflict with the crocheted sweater crowd that like Sparks stuff.

WHY HASN'T IT BEEN MADE ALREADY?
Because Nicholas Sparks didn't write it. I was also sad to find out that Jesse Andrews the writer isn't the same person as Jessie Andrews the porn star.

WHO WE'D CAST
Jonathan Daniel Brown from Project X as the weird kid, Bella Heathcote as the leukemia chick. And at the end of the movie? You guessed it, they f*ck. In an erotic twist, she even dips some of her cancer medication in his jizz.

ENDANGERED SPECIES THIS SCRIPT WOULD BE
The Kakapo. A flightless, nocturnal owl-parrot native to New Zealand, it's basically the high-school outcast of the animal kingdom.

-Vince

Scripts of the 2012 Black List

Flower - A coming of age story about the unlikely bond that forms between a sexually adventurous teenage girl and her obese, mentally unstable step-brother.

CHANCES IT WILL BE MADE
Pretty good, because Hollywood loves on the nose. I mean, the title alone basically walks up and smacks you across the face. I'd also like to bet a million dollars that this was written by a guy who grew up with a stepsister he wanted to bang.

WHY HASN'T IT BEEN MADE ALREADY?
Because Jonah Hill keeps gaining and losing weight.

WHO WE'D CAST
Well, yeah, Jonah Hill, and probably Megan Fox. As a society, we'll never rise above "King of Queens" will we?

ENDANGERED SPECIES THIS SCRIPT WOULD BE
Mediterranean monk seal, because it's the world's second-rarest pinniped, and no one alive knows what a pinniped is, not even Alice Pinniped, heiress to the pinniped fortune.

-Laremy

Scripts of the 2012 Black List

"Glimmer"


Glimmer - When three friends go missing on a camping trip in a forest rumored to be haunted, the two left behind discover clues that lead them to a safe deposit box containing video tapes ... showing exactly what happened to their friends.

CHANCES IT WILL BE MADE
100%. These cheap-to-make horror movies are the closest a filmmaker can get to selling drugs. You can try to stop making them, itchy dudes start showing up on your door step.

WHY HASN'T IT BEEN MADE ALREADY?
My guess? Because you can't bring it up without someone making a joke about The Glimmer Man, that Steven Seagal-Keenan Ivory Wayans buddy classic. Got some big shoes to fill with that title, not to mention a size 3X sleeveless kimono.

WHO WE'D CAST
Boo Boo Stewart, Logan Lerman, and that fat guy who's not Jonah Hill.

ENDANGERED SPECIES THIS SCRIPT WOULD BE
California Condor, because it specializes in scavenging dead sh*t.

-Vince

Scripts of the 2012 Black List

"Beautiful Caucasian woman scaring man with a fur toy."


Whalemen - The leader of a fourteenth century Scottish whaling village must seek out and do battle with a whale many times larger than he has ever seen in order to ransom back his son from the occupying English.

CHANCES IT WILL BE MADE
Not great, as fourteenth century Scotland has been done to death.

WHY HASN'T BEEN MADE IT ALREADY?
Because Mel Gibson has been in trouble lately.

WHO WE'D CAST
I'd cast John C. O'Reilly as the leader of the village. That would throw them all off.

ENDANGERED SPECIES THIS SCRIPT WOULD BE
Here's where a lesser writer would go all blue whale on you, but not this guy. I say the noble bonobo is more congruous to Whalemen, because like most Hollywood screenwriters, it spends half its life with one finger placed firmly in its rectum.

-Laremy

Scripts of the 2012 Black List

"Radamel El Tigre Falcao."


El Tigre - A family vacation goes horribly awry when the father is mistaken for the most ruthless drug lord in Mexico, El Tigre.

CHANCES IT WILL BE MADE
Is Shawn Levy or Jay Roach busy? 50-50. These action comedies (and the "family vacation" part seems like a dead giveaway that it's a comedy) are easy to write, but they're a big risk to make because they cost big money and bomb horribly at least half of the time.

WHY HASN'T IT BEEN MADE ALREADY?
They were waiting for people to forget about Casa De Mi Padre.

WHO WE'D CAST
Armie Hammer. I just like the idea that the whitest man on Earth would be mistaken for a Mexican drug lord. But I could also see it as a Paul Blart vehicle. PAUL BLART: MISTAKEN DRUG LORD, say. And obviously there'd be that scene where he realizes they've confused him for someone important and he starts really taking advantage. I'm thinking a big feast montage, and there'll be that part where a sexy Latin waitress starts to take a big skewer of meat back to the kitchen, but then Kevin James is like, "oh no, my dear, keep 'em comin," and then the waitress makes a surprised face, like, "Ay dios mio, el tigre, what a beeg appetite ju haf to-day."

ENDANGERED SPECIES THIS SCRIPT WOULD BE
Giant panda, because it did this to itself. If you don't like to have sex, you don't get to remain a viable species. Thems the rules.

-Vince

Scripts of the 2012 Black List

"Stars of Zombie Women of Satan with Warren Speed." Not sure how this came up from "Escobar."


The Ballad of Pablo Escobar - A telling of the last years of Pablo Escobar's life, the war he waged on the Columbian government, and his fight to recapture his son's love and respect.

CHANCES IT WILL BE MADE
A billion percent. It involves drugs, fast living, chase scenes and drugs. Methinks they might cut that "son's love" angle though. We've already watched Blow, thank you very much.

WHY HASN'T IT BEEN MADE ALREADY?
Maybe the script needs some polishing? Where's Joss Whedon?

WHO WE'D CAST
They always cast the same guy as a drug kingpin, and that man is Miguel Sandoval. Don't fight it.

ENDANGERED SPECIES THIS SCRIPT WOULD BE
The baiji (Yangtze river dolphin), because like the dolphin, this one would come on in waves. Yeah! Don't hate the word play, hate the shame.

-Laremy

Scripts of the 2012 Black List

"Crazy surgeon waiting for new patient." I dunno, dude.


The Fault in Our Stars - Based on the eponymous novel by John Green, a teenage girl with cancer falls for a boy in her support group and the two form a bond as they deal with their illnesses.

CHANCES IT WILL BE MADE
50-50. Sounds like another low-budget weepie. Considering it sounds exactly like the leukemia flick I read three entries ago, I have to wonder if the market is already saturated. Childhood cancer, so hot right now.

WHY HASN'T IT BEEN MADE ALREADY?
Because the book barely came out in 2012. Apparently the author is a famous Vlogger. Which is apparently a thing.  But remember what Laremy said about Hollywood loving on-the-nose titles? This one gave me the saccharine pukes before I even read the synopsis. That's good branding right there.

WHO WE'D CAST
Boo Boo Stewart and Boo Boo Stewart. Boo Boo Stewart falls in love with a character played by himself in drag. That could be the hook! Boo Boo's breakout role as a serious thespian.

ENDANGERED SPECIES THIS SCRIPT WOULD BE
The island fox. Just a sad little fox, all alone on an island, won't you help it?

-Vince

Scripts of the 2012 Black List

"Max George, Jay McGuiness, Nathan Sykes of The Wanted."


George - When an acerbic alcoholic finds himself penniless and alone he has no choice but to crash his family's holiday. Years of alienating them makes for a stiff challenge, but eventually he subtly helps them heal.

CHANCES IT WILL BE MADE
Well, there's nothing better than acerbic alcoholic who subtly helps people heal, so I'll say it's likely. Also, must every script be about working through one's own issues?

WHY HASN'T IT BEEN MADE ALREADY?
They are waiting for people to forget about Scent of a Woman.

WHO WE'D CAST
Al Pacino and Chris O'Donnell. Wink.

ENDANGERED SPECIES THIS SCRIPT WOULD BE
A Bactrian camel, because they are exceptionally adept at withstanding wide variations in temperature - just as the "lovable alcoholic" angle defies any attempt to set it on fire or drown it.

-Laremy

Scripts of the 2012 Black List

From New York to Florida - An undisciplined boy is sent to Florida for the summer with his grandparents, and the drive south changes him forever.

CHANCES IT WILL BE MADE
Seriously, this one sentence description is all we know about it. So I'm going to say not very good, unless the boy's going down there to start a step troop or join a street-racing gang. Which he very well could be.

WHY HASN'T IT BEEN MADE ALREADY?
Studios are still smarting from From Justin to Kelly.

WHO WE'D CAST
Channing Tatum all the way. I'd love it if the C-Tates from The Vow started driving from New York and by the time he arrived in Florida he'd become the C-Tates from Step Up 2 The Streets. Florida changes you, son.

ENDANGERED SPECIES THIS SCRIPT WOULD BE
The Takhi, or Przewalski's Horse. It had to be reintroduced to its own habitat, and it's never been tamed, just like C-Tates in this movie.

-Vince

Scripts of the 2012 Black List

 

Most self-explanatory so far.


Clive - After an accident causes a successful CEO to lose both legs, he is forced to re-evaluate his life and identity.

CHANCES IT WILL BE MADE
Solid. The whole "CEO with a Heart of Gold" angle has ... legs.

WHY HASN'T IT BEEN MADE ALREADY?
Remember that Adam Sandler skit that went "I got no legs!"? Or Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump? Those were both home runs, so I have no idea why this isn't being rushed into production.

WHO WE'D CAST
Andy Serkis, but I'd do the CEO in complete CGI. 3D, natch.

ENDANGERED SPECIES THIS SCRIPT WOULD BE
The leatherback turtle. It can easily be differentiated from other modern sea turtles by its lack of bony shell, and there will definitely be a scene in the movie where the CEO is differentiated from other country club CEOs by his lack of legs.

-Laremy

Scripts of the 2012 Black List

"Funny eggs with smiley faces."


Conversion - A preacher's wife, grieving from the loss of her teenage son and struggling to hold her family together, forms an unlikely friendship with a young street hustler who helps her understand her lost son and survive alcoholic depression.

CHANCES IT WILL BE MADE
50-50. Hell, man, you never know with these awardsy pictures. Seems easy enough to make, but there's a fine line between "awards darling" and "50 Cent's cancer movie" that you can't always find before you start shooting.

WHY HASN'T IT BEEN MADE ALREADY?
Because Tyler Perry didn't write it.

WHO WE'D CAST
I'm thinking comeback vehicle for Sandra Bullock and breakout role for Anthony Mackie.

ENDANGERED SPECIES THIS SCRIPT WOULD BE
The saiga. Because what the hell is that thing? It looks like the product of a very unlikely relationship. Just like this movie.

-Vince

Scripts of the 2012 Black List

Yes, someone tagged this kid in cargo pants with "devil."


Devils At Play - In the Soviet Union in 1937, a worker for the People's Commissariat for Internal Affairs finds a list of traitors, which he thinks is going to be his way out.

CHANCES IT WILL BE MADE
Erm, the domestic box office doesn't really love Russian stories based in the '30s. So a slim 25 percent.

WHY HASN'T IT BEEN MADE ALREADY?
I can see the pitch meetings now: "It's like Schindler's List meets The Informant? But the opposite!"

WHO WE'D CAST
I think Richard Jenkins. That guy can do anything.

ENDANGERED SPECIES THIS SCRIPT WOULD BE
Gotta go with the Siberian tiger, not because it's Russian, but due to the fact that both the animal and the screenplay leave urine deposits and scratch marks to market their "product".

-Laremy

Scripts of the 2012 Black List

"Young businessman trapped in a glass jar and using a laptop."


Shut In - A woman who tries to raise her catatonic son on her own suddenly discovers a shocking secret about him.

CHANCES IT WILL BE MADE
Good. This sounds like a Sundance movie if ever there was one.

WHY HASN'T IT BEEN MADE ALREADY?
The kid from Homeland makes the "catatonic son" angle seem played out for a while. ("Dad, Mike made huevos rancheros!").

WHO WE'D CAST
Jodie Foster and Manny from Modern Family.

ENDANGERED SPECIES THIS SCRIPT WOULD BE
Alabama cavefish. You wanna talk shut in? This fish lives in cave puddles eating bat guano.

-Vince

Scripts of the 2012 Black List

"Lady laying on sofa."


The Keeping Room - Three southern women defend their home from the Union army while their husbands are off fighting in the Civil War.

CHANCES IT WILL BE MADE
I'll go as high as 60 percent. Lincoln has really made the Civil War "sexy" again.

WHY HASN'T IT BEEN MADE ALREADY?
The script is only five pages. It wasn't much of battle, was it, three southern women vs. the entire Union army?

WHO WE'D CAST
Lena Headey, but as Cersei Lannister. That would be a compelling watch, one thumb up coming from me.

ENDANGERED SPECIES THIS SCRIPT WOULD BE
A red panda, as it's often confused with other animals, just as southern accents are often confused as being wildly entertaining by Hollywood big-shots.

-Laremy

Scripts of the 2012 Black List

The Judge - A successful attorney returns to his hometown for his mother's funeral only to discover that his Alzheimer's-stricken father is suspected of murder and must represent him in court. The ordeal becomes an emotional journey that makes him a better man.

CHANCES IT WILL BE MADE
Let's say 25%. Hollywood hasn't been so hot on court dramas for a while now.

WHY HASN'T IT BEEN MADE ALREADY?
John Grisham didn't write it, some dude no one's heard of did.

WHO WE'D CAST
Denis Leary and Orville Redenbacher. Oh wait, Orville Redenbacher is dead. Josh Lucas and Gene Hackman.

ENDANGERED SPECIES THIS SCRIPT WOULD BE
Asian elephant. An elephant never forgets, which makes it all the more sad when an elephant gets Alzheimer's.

-Vince

Scripts of the 2012 Black List

"One little boy in white kimono."


The Disciple Program - A man begins an investigation into his wife's mysterious death, only to find out that it goes much deeper than he imagined.

CHANCES IT WILL BE MADE
It will definitely be made, as it's generic enough that all the producers can claim credit for "saving" it during the re-writing process.

WHY HASN'T IT BEEN MADE ALREADY?
I'm not sure. It's pretty mysterious, isn't it? Meanwhile, I won't tell you about the time I found something that went "much deeper than I imagined" but I will tell you it involved prison coitus.

WHO WE'D CAST
The man should definitely be Harrison Ford. The mystery should be Daniel Day-Lewis.

ENDANGERED SPECIES THIS SCRIPT WOULD BE
The Ethiopian wolf! That one just explains itself, doesn't it?

-Laremy

Scripts of the 2012 Black List

Cherries - Three fathers learn of their teenage-daughters' pact to lose their virginity on prom night and band together to stop them.

CHANCES IT WILL BE MADE
Less than 10 percent unless they change that name. Yikes. I dunno, man, comparing female anatomy (especially internal female anatomy) to fruit creeps me out. Easy there, Dahmer.

WHY HASN'T IT BEEN MADE ALREADY?
Something that sounds like it might reinforce patriarchal notions of sexuality kind of freaks people out.

WHO WE'D CAST
Ashley Benson, Bella Heathcote, and Rebel Wilson for the daughters, Jason Sudeikis, Jack Black, and Vince Vaughn as the dads. Just shootin' from the hip here.

ENDANGERED SPECIES THIS SCRIPT WOULD BE
Axolotl. Neutonic salamanders just scream sex.

-Vince

Scripts of the 2012 Black List

"Toni Braxton performing at a concert in Virginia." Here I thought this place was in France.


Sweet Virginia - A former rodeo star unknowingly starts a rapport with a young man who is responsible for all of the violence that has suddenly gripped his small town.

CHANCES IT WILL BE MADE
This sounds like something you could easily cast Miley Cyrus in, so 100 percent.

WHY HASN'T IT BEEN MADE ALREADY?
They still need to get the rights to the Train song and sign Zaz Efron to play the young man.

WHO WE'D CAST
Clint Eastwood and C-Tates.

ENDANGERED SPECIES THIS SCRIPT WOULD BE
The Hispid hare, also called the Assam rabbit, because both names are awesome, and each would be preferable to the current title of Sweet Virginia.

-Laremy

Scripts of the 2012 Black List

A Country of Strangers - Based on true events. Inspector Geoff Harper conducts a forty year search for the Beaumont Children, three siblings taken from an Australian beach in January of 1966.

CHANCES IT WILL BE MADE
Based on a true story? Tireless investigator? Let's say 75%. Daddy got a good feelin' bout this one.

WHY HASN'T IT BEEN MADE ALREADY?
As the Simpson's explained so many years ago, Aussie fever in America of the early nineties faded later in the decade.

WHO WE'D CAST
Sam Neill as the investigator, BooBoo Stewart for all the kids. They're triplets.

ENDANGERED SPECIES THIS SCRIPT WOULD BE
Giant otter. I don't know why, but those things are boss and this list would feel empty without them.

-Vince

TAGSBALLAD OF PABLO ESCOBARBlack ListBLACK LIST 2012BOO BOO STEWARTCHERRIESCLIVECONVERSIONCOUNTRY OF STRANGERSDEVILS AT PLAYDISCIPLE PROGRAMFAULT IN OUR STARSFROM NEW YORK TO FLORIDAGEORGE!KEEPING ROOMTAG TEAM POSTSTHE JUDGETHE SHUT IN

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