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12.17 The Cooler

Comments of the Week is back, with PRIZES

By / 12.16.12

What used to be Comments of the Week is now “Comments of However Long It Takes Me to Have a Free Sunday Night.” Update your planners accordingly. But seriously, I apologize for not being as regular with this feature as I’d like, and to make up for it, I’ve got a DVD to give away to the winner this week, PLUS, another to sweeten the deal for next week. Both DVDs look badass, and I say that as a person who can’t stop staring at the poster lady’s bewbs. For those of you snobs who need more to make a decision than a sexy cartoon boob lady, I’ve got trailers and box art after the jump. Both films (Ashanti and Wild Geese) are currently available for purchase at Severin-Film.com.

Okay, first up, before we get to the winner, it’s our Weekly Weirdo Wrap-Up. In the course of running this site, I’ve noticed that three topics bring out the kooks above all others: Steven Seagal, Tom Cruise, and Hugh Jackman. Not that anyone who’d defend any of these celebrities in a comments section is a weirdo, it’s just the particular brand of defender these ones spawn. Trust me, you’ll see.

From Steven Seagal is doing a movie with Anderson Silva:

Rhonda63640: I’m waiting for the day I see any of you guys come out from behind your computer and stand face to face with Seagal and Silva and talk this shit to their face. Meanwhile, just keep hiding behind your fake names, and be the little chicken shits you are. I’m laughing at you, not with you.

At first I thought her weird screen name might be spam, but at this point, Rhonda 63640 is practically family.

Some classic race-appropriate casting here.

From Steven Seagal wants to fight Randy Couture, but only where no one can see:

Nikita Glushkov: What I find hilarious in this whole situation is that some of these interwed clowns actually believe that Couture would have a chance against Seagal. Granted, these are mostly UFC fanboys, but still, the point must be made. Steven Seagal is a 7th degree black belt in Aikido who was the first westerner good enough at a Japanese discipline that he was allowed to open his own dojo in Japan. He served as a personal body guard to the emperor of Japan and is trained to kill as a matter of course. His skills don’t depend on his weight or his current physical condition – if he wants to, who could dismantle Randy Couture in a few seconds.

What *I* find hilarious is that the bigger a bullsh*tter a public figure is, the more fanatical the fans he or she spawns. It’s a fascinating phenomenon.

Speaking of fans fanatically loyal to martial arts stars… From Jean Claude Van Damme made a tribute video to helping GSP stretch his groins:

Luis: For those and including the ARTICLE writer who comment on how the stretching and tribute video is gay.

You are all idiots and I’m sorry to say so. Stretching as is shown on the video is performed by all types of Martial Arts, MMA and even Athletes.

For me it is a fun and well put together video tribute to both of these guys, both Athletes in their respective careers.

No, Luis, I’m sorry, you’re 100% right, nothing gay about this, nothing gay at all. Definitely nothing gay about making a video about it with epic music and inspirational quotes and putting it on the internet.

From Hugh Jackman returning for the next X-Men:

Stratos: 
jangles (and those like him): have you tried to f*ck H. Jackman and he replied: no thanks, I prefer have sex with your father? I think the answer is NOPE, right? Do you personally know this actor as a relative of yours? No, of course. People who loves gossip doesn’t have a life and talking just for ‘fun’ about sexuality of someone you don’t know personally is, regardless, something stupid and insulting, as well as defamatory. Gossip is prerogative of sissies, not men. Anyway, those who have a satisfying sex life doesn’t need to snoop what other people do in bed, because judge people by their sexuality is a clear sign of lack of personal sexual life. This delusional bullsh*t (“making millions of dollars that he’ll use to make homeless children get oiled up and fight for his amusement”) reveals the low level of your brain as well as being a paradox, because everyone except you knows that this actor is actively engaged in many humanitarian projects in collaboration with entities such as the UN, UNICEF, The Global Poverty Project and World Vision. All organizations that protect children in the world. Your argument is invalid, unless you’re an active practitioner of sex tourism with children, so you were talking about yourself.

Alcoholics Gratuitous: I’m not an agent or a PR rep. I’m the mirror that reflects your envy and forces you to deal with it. The truth hurts…

He may not be the mirror that reflects our envy that we want, but he’s the mirror that reflects our envy we need. He’s probably going to get the congressional medal of freedom for this series of defenses of Hugh Jackman against jokes in comment sections. There’s no accolade too high.

And finally, perhaps the best kind of kookiness, the miscellaneous kind. From The Quotable Butterscotch Schnapps Lady:

Americaphile Freedom: WE ARE ALREADY WITNESSING THE METEROLOGICAL CONSEQUENCES OF THE PAST FOUR YEARS AND LAST TUESDAY’S TRAVESTY!
[americaphile.wordpress.com]
NOW, FLORIDA MAY VERY WELL BE THE NEXT TO PAY THE PIPER!
[americaphile.wordpress.com]
ONE HAS TO BE GRATEFUL THAT THERE ARE ONLY FOUR MORE YEARS OF TYRANNY TO ENDURE! BY THEN, WE WILL HAVE RESTORED A GOP/PRO-AMERICAN TO THE WHITE HOUSE…. OR WE WILL BE RAPTURED OUT OF THIS SH*T!
[americaphile.wordpress.com]

So… this person is both concerned about climate change AND about restoring a Republican non-tyrant to the White House. That’s not a Venn Diagram you see overlap every day. It’s a rich tapestry, folks.

Okay, on to the winner. I can’t quite articulate why I thought this was the funniest, it just makes me laugh. From my review of Life of Pi:

Lester Hayes Mayes:

“We Bought a Zoo.”

“Oh yeah, well we BOAT a zoo.”

That’s just too good. Lester, send me your address and collect your DVD.

A close second was this brilliant parody of DISH Network spam in LA Passes Condom-in-Porn Law:

The9: Wow! I didn’t realize this was such an issue. Hopefully, the law won’t go in to affect for a little while. I brought this article to the attention of my officemates at DISH and they were unaware of this controversary as well. Fortunately, DISH ON DEMAND has a large selection of classic HD pornographic movies that you can watch anytime. With the New DISH HOPPER system and HD PRIMETIME ANYTIME you can watch up to 6 HD TV shows for up to 6 days after they have aired. So you will never miss any episode of “Shaved Blonde, Big Naturals” or the Spice TV hit “Cum On Me, maybe.” Fortunately with Dish On Demand’s huge selection, you can filter out condom porn and enjoy all the hardcore action the old-fashioned way, just like Grandma and Dish Network intended. ;-)

From The RZA to direct a Genghis Khan epic:

Larry: When I rank Khans, it goes 1) Wrath of 2) Air 3) Genghis 4) Scott

From Twilight Breaking Dawn Clip: Acting Human.

The Evil Twin: 
I think there’s a mistake with embedded video. Where’s the clip from the vampire movie? That’s a clip of a bunch of actors teaching Kirsten Stewart how to act human.

From Lizzy Caplan bought Alison Brie a dildo:

Feklhr: In case anyone was wondering, that f*cking vibrator is like the magical orgasm machine. That thing is 100% guaranteed, and I am sure it works that well for women, too.

From Memphis woman marries cardboard cutout of Edward Cullen:

Larry: Big deal. A director f*cked the cardboard cutout who plays Bella.

And finally, from My grandpa keeps a cheat-sheet for me in his wallet:

ChinoMoreno: I found a similar note in my Grandfather’s wallet. It read: Stephanie. Days Inn. Solid 6. Swallows.

That’s good stuff. Great job all around, everyone. A+ time killing. And for next week, our giveaway will be Wild Geese. As always, cut and paste your favorite comments in the comments section below to nominate them for next week’s Comments of the Week.


TAGSASHANTICOMMENTS OF THE WEEKLESTER MAYES HAYESSEVERINWILD GEESE

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