This Week in Posters was postponed last week, but now it’s here! I suppose it’s kind of a “last week in posters” now, but better late than never, right? Don’t answer that.
First up, Michael Bay’s Pain and Gain. Okay, this is a pretty fantastic poster. Not that I imagine it’s very difficult to communicate a Michael Bay plot in a single image, but this one pretty much nails it. A couple a dudes, just gettin’ pumped and shredded in front of old glory. It brings a tear to my eye. Still, asking Mark Wahlberg to play a bodybuilder and then casting a guy opposite him who’s six foot five is borderline cruel. Regardless, I’m excited to see The Rock and Marky Mark get the same borderline-porny Michael Bay treatment as the Transformers girls. I’m envisioning a nice peekaboo shot up Wahlberg’s weightlifting shorts like the Megan Fox car scene while he’s doing so wicked tricep extensions. “Hey, Dawnny! You seen my chawklit flavahed mass gainah?” (*swooping crane shot of washboard abs*)
Okay, remember that thing I said about knowing exactly what kind of movie that last poster was advertising? That’s… not always a good thing, turns out. Jason Mewes still rules though.
“The most original horror film of the year! So original, we put this quote right on a Buffy-looking chick’s vagina!” -Bob’s Poster Design Emporium
Here’s the Italian poster for Bullet to the Head, starring Stallone as “Jimmy Bobo,” apparently. It opens February 1st here in the US of A, and the poster sort of looks like the print for an Affliction t-shirt. That’s… probably fitting. I like to think they drew it with a Montegrappa pen.
Wait, Werner Herzog made a documentary about Siberia? Here, just take my money now. I’ll make the check out to “future boners.” I’m buying no matter what, but I still think they could’ve sold this a little better on the poster. What’s wrong with using this picture?
Werner Herzog is the star of all of Werner Herzog’s documentaries, there’s no need to pretend otherwise.
“Haff you evah heepnotized a cheekn?
Oh great, as if I wasn’t already confused enough about why they felt the need to specify that the haunting I’d be witnessing was in Connecticut. Now it’s a second haunting in Connecticut, but this time the ghosts are from Georgia? So… will they stay at a nice B and B? A timeshare built on an ancient Indian burial ground? Please, tell me more about ghost tourism.
Is Bill Murray playing FDR or a chipmunk? And why is she standing behind him like that? It looks like she’s putting something in his butt. That’s a mean joke to play, the man has polio. He may not notice it for weeks.
This movie tells of the true victims of the tsunami, the white people.
<!–Get it? The design is, like, racing stripes and stuff. Just like Jack Reacher's car. Also, I'm glad they show a scene of Tom Cruise running in the sidebar, for a second there I was worried that I might not get to see Tom Cruise running.//–>
I’m sort of intrigued but I don’t know why. Is this about… a guy… who knife fights someone… inside a giant statue?
A modern day fairy tale in which the long-standing peace between men and giants is threatened, as a young farmer leads an expedition into the giants’ kingdom in hopes of rescuing a kidnapped princess. [IMDB]
Oh, is his name Jack Reacher? I hadn’t heard. Look, I’m pretty sure we’re all clear on the name by now. I’m already tired of the damned name and the movie hasn’t even come out yet. Hollywood seems to think that as long as they have a cookie-cutter hero with a name you can remember, that we’ll just line up to throw money at them. OH MY GOSH, BRENDAN FRASER IS SPECIAL AGENT BROCCOLI CARBUNCLE?! PLEASE, TAKE MY TEN DOLLARS!
Molly has a family, you guys. I bet they’re quirky and unique.
See, if you’re going to do a diagonal – which seems to be the dominant poster trend – at least make it make sense. Here, it adds scale. Usually, they just take a picture of someone and tilt it sideways. That’s stupid.
If you can’t read Asian, this one’s for Oz The Great and Powerful. Thank God for Photoshop, it saves us the trouble of making James Franco actually pose for pictures in a top hat. You want a top hat on him? Just stick a top hat on him in Photoshop! Heck, stick anything on him – newsie, propeller beanie, hell, we’ve got carte blanche. I wonder if there are any legal limitations to this. Like, if you have James Franco in your movie, could you just Photoshop a big foam cowboy hat that says “Sphincter Boy” on his head, or does he retain some say in the matter? It’s a slippery slope, my friends. A slippery slope indeed.
I’m willing to admit Pacific Rim looks a little silly, but on the other hand, DUDE, GIANT ROBOTS FIGHT GODZILLA!
See? Didn’t I tell you it was about giant robots fighting Godzilla? I’m so there. Also, I sincerely hope there’s one really immature guy in the Robot Jox core who insists on making his 100-story robot do a wanking motion. I know that’s the first thing I’d do.
Well at least they didn’t airbrush Jennifer Lopez too much.
I can’t read Italian, but I’m assuming that says “White People Smiling At Things.”
I’ve heard good things about Robot and Frank, but I still haven’t gotten around to seeing it. All the advertisements for it seem to be asking, “Hey, there. How’d you like to have a good cry?”
What’s the worst way to get better? Anal? C’mon, stop playing coy.
I admit, I’m usually the first to criticize a poster using floating heads or cheesy actor pictures instead of choosing a clear concept like this, but come on, if Hollywood has taught us anything this year, it’s that if you’ve got C-Tates, you SELL THE C-TATES. Channing Tatum is box office TNT, son.
This was called The Tall Man and it hit VOD in August. Remember that? Yeah, me neither. If your movie is going to look like a Lifetime original, it better have copious amounts of cleavage. See: The Client List.
Here’s another still from The Great Gatsby (trailer), which at the very least will be… shiny. I can’t believe they made a movie about WASPs and neither Brad Cooper nor Armie Hammer is in it. They should sue.
Get it? “Dead Sexy,” because it’s a love story, about zombies. He’s dead. And sexy.
There’s going to be a whole movie of this? It feels like a half-baked meme.
Do you get it? I totally get it. Because I know things about zombies, and what they like to eat. High five for all of us.
Yep, should’ve quit while you were ahead.
And now she’s a little dead inside too! Get it? Grrr, mash-ups! Post-modernism!
Frank Miller isn’t directing Wolverine 2, but what this poster presupposes is, what if he was?
Umm… no thanks. Respectfully.
I like this. It’s sad that a horror movie that isn’t about a haunted house, possession, or a creepy kid can be so exciting, even when it looks like it’s about a killer clown. The bar is that low.
[posters via IMPA]