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Oscar Snubs and Blunders: CALL THE POLICE, MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY!

By / 01.10.13

Oscar voters are out of touch, milquetoast, hopelessly middlebrow, and so old that they couldn’t even figure out how to e-vote, but it’s always been this way, and we still argue about it anyway. Even after Forrest Gump over Pulp Fiction, The English Patient over Fargo, Shakespeare in Love over Saving Private Ryan, etc. The list goes on, and we should know better. In 2013, no one should be surprised that the Academy’s choices are two parts wrong and ten parts boring, but if we’re going to bitch somewhere, it might as well be here. I may be a lot of things, but allergic to money isn’t one of them. And hey, as bad as the Oscars are, they’re still a thousand times better than the Grammys and the Emmys put together. So here they are, the best and worst of this year’s Oscar nominations. KNIVES OUT, SHITHEADS! IT’S TIME TO END SOME FRIENDSHIPS!

(FYI, you can find my reviews and best-of list and Burnsy’s Worst list at these links. The full list of nominations is at the bottom below).

BEST PICTURE:

Best:
Django Unchained
. After getting snubbed at the DGAs and WGAs, it’s nice to see Tarantino’s latest get some love from the Academy, even though the very things that make me love it instead of just like it – that it’s so gleefully vulgar and deliberately lowbrow – are the same reasons it won’t win and didn’t receive more nominations.

Worst:
Beasts of the Southern Wild, Les Misérables
.
I’ve already gone over in great detail why Beasts isn’t a great movie.  Even in terms of movies that appeal hard to pedantic white liberal fantasies, Life of Pi did it better, and in a much nicer way (not to mention, it had a carnivorous island full of meerkats).

Les Mis is just… God, it’s so predictable. You had the choice of nominating less than 10 (you’ll notice there are only nine nominees this year – here’s a refresher course on why), and Les Mis still made the list? I think of it like this: There are times in my life when I’ll be riding my fixed gear down to my local San Fran latte shop listening to This American Life on my iPhone; and other times when I’ll be eating chicken wings with my bros while we watch football and trash talk each other’s fantasy teams down at the sports bar. In both instances, I’ll think to myself, “God, I feel like such a stereotype right now,” and try to change something up. Oscar voters… never seem to have that thought. “A movie full of famous actors with dirty faces singing French songs about poverty and trying to f*ck each other? Oh hell yeah, more of that plz.” Les Mis would be insulting to Academy voters if they weren’t so dumb. Les Mis can derelicte my balls, capitan.

Snubbed:
No Magic Mike? Are you kidding me? But I’m not surprised. It was inevitable that the Academy voters would only see the guy pumping up his blurry dick in the foreground, and not the nuanced, melancholy story about trying to find a place in the modern economy that those blurry dicks were framing. Looper? The Master? Again, not surprised, but the fact that Les Mis got in but not the best original sci-fi in years and Joaquin Phoenix’s most watchable performance isn’t going to go unmentioned here.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:

Best:
Pretty much this entire list. Christoph Waltz is the obvious choice, but also correct.

Worst:
The De Niro choice is a little weak, but it was easily his best performance in years, so I understand.

Snubbed: NO MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY, ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?!?! CALL THE POLICE, CALL THE REGULATORS, CALL YOUR INSURANCE COMPANY, AND ASSEMBLE A POSSE! YOU’VE BEEN ROBBED, MAN, ROBBED! That was the biggest softball of this entire goddamned year and you old stupid shrivs whiffed it hard, not that I’m surprised. I even would’ve accepted McConaughey in Killer Joe as a consolation prize for his superior performance in Magic Mike. Can’t see the forest for the trees, though. Typical. That aside, it’s terrible that you can only choose five in this category. Samuel L. Jackson in Django, James Spader’s mustache in Lincoln, John Goodman in anything… the list goes on.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Best:
Helen Hunt, Amy Adams, Anne Hathaway. Anne Hathaway was only in the movie for about five minutes, but she combined acting and singing in a way I haven’t seen before.

Worst:
Well, bar none worst is Sally Field for Lincoln. Nothing against her as an actress otherwise, but that performance made me cringe every time she was onscreen. This is your typical lifetime-achievement award disguised as praise for a particular role. Just looking at her in that stupid dress brings me down. Anne Hathaway. She was in the movie for five minutes and sang one song.

Snubbed:
Uhh… Rebel Wilson? I don’t know, man. This wasn’t a great year for female roles. I still haven’t seen This is 40, but Leslie Mann is always pretty fantastic.

BEST DIRECTOR

Worst:
This entire category. Look, this award is stupid. The only fair way to judge a director is by what makes it to the screen, which would make this no different than Best Picture. How do you say someone is a great director who didn’t make a great movie, or vice versa? Were you on the set every day? Best Director is an award transparently based on prestige and hearsay. The only worthwhile thing about it is what it says about the Academy’s view of directors who got Best Picture nominations but no Best Director nominations. “Begrudging,” is the word that comes to mind.

BEST ACTOR

Best:
Daniel Day-Lewis. Boring choice, also true. Joaquin Phoenix. I don’t think The Master works without his weird craggy face and quasimodo body. I also don’t know who else who could’ve made that character so simultaneously weird, alien, lovable, and hilarious. There are a lot of things I don’t know. No one denies this.

Worst:
Denzel Washington. Flight was a bad movie in which Denzel gave a Denzel performance. We already know he’s an amazing actor, you don’t have to reward him for mediocre work. Hugh Jackman. Again, solid actor, but his nostril singing got progressively more grating as the movie went on, whereas Russell Crowe’s beer-gut delivery became strangely hypnotic. Those two were like two different-sized cats f*cking.

Snubbed:
Do I even have to say it? C-Tates, son. Tampa’s finest brought it this year. But honestly, these nominees are all pretty deserving, save Denzel. Karl Urban was also pretty great in Dredd, though everyone knows it had zero chance of winning anything. Still, not just any actor can make a character work when you never get to see his eyes.

BEST ACTRESS

Best:
Jennifer Lawrence. I love her. Watching Brad Cooper reject her was infuriating. Quvenzhané Wallis. I hated the movie, but you might as well reward the only reason people liked it. She is crazy adorable. Please have a normal life and don’t become a child actress, Quvenzhané. Think Anna Paquin, not Lindsay Lohan.

Worst:
Naomi Watts and Emmanuelle Riva, only because I refuse to see a movie about old people slowly dying, and I’ve never even heard of The Impossible. Is that the Tom Cruise one? Didn’t that come out last year? Jessica Chastain. I know, I know. But honestly, I left Zero Dark Thirty knowing zero about her character’s personality, other than that she was smart. Is that her fault? I think she has to take some of the blame.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Best:
Django Unchained.

Worst:
Flight. Possibly the worst pick of the entire Oscars, at least even-money with Sally Field. I’m honestly dumbfounded by this one. I understand why people love Beasts of the Southern Wild, even though I hate it, it flatters their sensibilities and gives old tropes a sheen of the exotic. But Flight? My screening audience was laughing at the dramatic posturing at the end. It makes alcoholism look awesome for 90 minutes, and then tries to make up for it with a cheesy speech. “Hmm, how can we illustrate this character learning a lesson? Ooh, I know, we’ll have him give a big speech about how he’s learned a lesson!” That is the opposite of good writing.

Snubbed:
Looper. I shouldn’t even have to explain why.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

Snubbed: The Master. Come on, cinematography made that movie. The rack-focus tracking shot of Joaquin walking along the waterfront was the most memorable shot I saw all year. That entire movie looked incredible.

BEST DOCUMENTARY

Snubbed: Look, I know The Ambassador was way too edgy to get nominated (precisely why it was so good), but no Queen of Versailles? I’ve heard great things about Searching for Sugar Man and How to Survive a Plague (The Imposter and Jiro Dreams of Sushi, also pretty good), but Best Documentary is the most consistently wrong of all Oscar categories. Remember when they hosed Exit Through the Gift Shop and didn’t even nominate Anvil? Yep, same voters, different day.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG

It’s hilarious to me that Les Misérables is basically an album of cover songs that includes one original in a blatantly transparent bid to be eligible for awards. And what does the Academy do? They reward it with awards! Shouldn’t art get penalized for that kind of presumptuousness? I don’t know, maybe it’s a great song, but I don’t even remember it. I sure as hell remember Ladies of Tampa though.

BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN

Really, no Moonrise Kingdom? Production design is what Wes Anderson does. Production design is the only reason we know Wes Anderson’s name. The Academy must really hate plaid. Which might be why the Academy and I can never be friends.

Here’s the full list of nominees:

Best Picture:

“Beasts of the Southern Wild”

“Silver Linings Playbook”

“Zero Dark Thirty”

“Lincoln”

“Les Miserables”

“Life of Pi”

“Amour”

“Django Unchained”

“Argo”

Best Supporting Actor:

Christoph Waltz, “Django Unchained”

Philip Seymour Hoffman, “The Master”

Robert De Niro, “Silver Linings Playbook”

Alan Arkin, “Argo”

Tommy Lee Jones, “Lincoln”

 

Best Supporting Actress:

Sally Field, “Lincoln”

Anne Hathaway, “Les Miserables”

Jacki Weaver, “Silver Linings Playbook”

Helen Hunt, “The Sessions”

Amy Adams, “The Master”

Best Director:

David O. Russell, “Silver Linings Playbook”

Ang Lee, “Life of Pi”

Steven Spielberg, “Lincoln”

Michael Haneke, “Amour”

Benh Zeitlin, “Beasts of the Southern Wild”

Best Actor:

Daniel Day Lewis, “Lincoln”

Denzel Washington, “Flight”

Hugh Jackman, “Les Miserables”

Bradley Cooper, “Silver Linings Playbook”

Joaquin Phoenix, “The Master”

Best Actress:

Naomi Watts, “The Impossible”

Jessica Chastain, “Zero Dark Thirty”

Jennifer Lawrence, “Silver Linings Playbook”

Emmanuelle Riva, “Amour”

Quvenzhané Wallis, “Beasts of the Southern Wild”

Best Original Screenplay:

“Zero Dark Thirty”

“Django Unchained”

“Moonrise Kingdom”

“Amour”

“Flight”

Best Adapted Screenplay:

“Lincoln”

“Silver Linings Playbook”

“Argo”

“Life of Pi”

“Beasts of the Southern Wild”

Best Animated Feature:

“Frankenweenie”

“The Pirates! Band of Misfits”

“Wreck-It Ralph”

“Paranorman”

“Brave”

Best Foreign Feature:

“Amour”

“A Royal Affair”

“Kon-Tiki”

“No”

“War Witch”

Best Visual Effects:

“Life of Pi”

“The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”

“The Avengers”

“Prometheus”

“Snow White and the Huntsman”

Best Cinematography:

“Skyfall”

“Anna Karenina”

“Django Unchained”

“Life of Pi”

“Lincoln”

Best Costume Design:

“Anna Karenina”

“Les Miserables”

“Lincoln”

“Mirror Mirror”

“Snow White and the Huntsman”

Best Documentary Feature:

“Searching for Sugar Man”

“How to Survive a Plague”

“The Gatekeepers”

“5 Broken Cameras”

“The Invisible War”

Best Documentary Short:

“Open Heart”

“Inocente”

“Redemption”

“Kings Point”

“Mondays at Racine”

“Snow White and the Huntsman”

Best Film Editing:

“Lincoln”

“Silver Linings Playbook”

“Life of Pi”

“Argo”

“Zero Dark Thirty”

Best Makeup and Hairstyling:

“Hitchcock”

“The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”

“Les Miserables”

Best Music (Original Score):

“Anna Karenina”

“Argo”

“Life of Pi”

“Lincoln”

“Skyfall”

Best Music (Original Song):

“Before My Time” from “Chasing Ice”

“Everybody Needs A Best Friend” from “Ted”

“Pi’s Lullaby” from “Life of Pi”

“Skyfall” from “Skyfall”

“Suddenly” from “Les Misérables”

Best Production Design:

“Anna Karenina”

“The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”

“Les Misérables”

“Life of Pi”

“Lincoln”

Best Short Film, Animated:

“Adam and Dog”

“Fresh Guacamole”

“Head over Heels”

“Maggie Simpson in ‘The Longest Daycare’”

“Paperman”

Best Short Film, Live Action:

“Asad”

“Buzkashi Boys”

“Curfew”

“Death of a Shadow (Dood van een Schaduw)”

“Henry”

Best Sound Editing:

“Argo”

“Django Unchained”

“Life of Pi”

“Skyfall”

“Zero Dark Thirty”

Best Sound Mixing:

“Argo”

“Les Misérables”

“Life of Pi”

“Lincoln”

“Skyfall”


TAGSDJANGO UNCHAINEDFEATURESFLIGHTLincolnLISTSmagic mikeMATTHEW MCCONAUGHEYMATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY FOR THE OSCARSOSCARSOSCARS 2013SALLY FIELDthe master

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