The winner of last year’s AVN Award for “Clever Title” was “Beggin for a Peggin,” a romantic tale of ladies taking their male co-stars from behind with strap-ons. (Did you know that’s what “pegging” meant? I did.) I personally thought “I Want You to Make My Mouth Pregnant” was robbed, but when it comes to the clever title award, really, everyone’s a winner. This year’s list of nominees, as you can see above, includes:
Clever Title of the Year
Asphyxia Heels the World, BurningAngel/Vouyer
Brooklyn Egg Cream on the Roxxx, Seymore Butts/Pure Play
Chocolate Covered Crackers, Black Magic Pictures
Chocolate Yam Yams, Black Storm/Monarchy/Vantage
Does This Dick Make My Ass Look Big?, Vouyer Media
Look Mom, My First Black Penis, Mike Hunt/Juicy
My Wife Caught Me Assf*cking Her Mother, Devil’s Film
Nice Shoes, Wanna F*ck?, Electric/Hustler
Occupy My Ass, Bobbi Starr/Evil Angel
She Plays a Mean Rusty Trombone!, Lethal Hardcore/Pulse
Show Me Your Sh*thole, B. Pumper/Freaky Empire
Somebody Shave Me, Zero Tolerance Entertainment
The Spit and the Speculum, Mike Adriano/Evil Angel
Subtle Fragrance of Her Private Parts, Swank/Pure Play
We Vow to Bang Black Beotches, Kelly Madison/Juicy
Now, if I was being a homer, I’d be rooting for “Brooklyn Egg Cream on the Roxxx,” which was actually first announced on FilmDrunk’s very own podcast by Seymore Butts, one of our favorite guests (these are the kinds of announcements you get to break when you name your show after a sex act). But if I’m honest, I think I’m a little more partial to “The Spit and the Speculum” (cos it’s literary, like), or “Show Me Your Sh*thole,” which finds beauty in blunt directness, a la Hemingway. (Not to mention, it stars the guy who once wrote a rap song about making Laurence Fishburne’s daughter queef).
However, neither would be declared a winner that day. Instead, the honor went to…
Does This Dick Make My Ass Look Big?, Vouyer Media.
That movie, according to NSFW adult video sites, is about anal sex and is tagged under “fetish: big butts,” among other things. This was my favorite description, courtesy of TLA Video:
Four glorious hours of anal f*cks! These pros sure do know how to make sex even more exciting. And yes, it does make their ass look big, so f*cking big! Sasha Grey is in this!
Thing is, anyone who’s seen Sasha Grey (pictured above, at the 2010 AVNs) knows that the only things smaller than her ass are her visible eyeballs and ability to give a f*ck. I was assuming, based on the title, that the girls’ asses only looked big in comparison to their co-stars’ penises, making it some kind of small-penis fetish video. But since the male cast includes Brian Pumper, star of “Big Black Sticks in Little White Slits 2,” Erik Everhard, star of “Largest Dicks Ever, Massive Meat Treat,” and Brad Baldwin, star of “Big Sausage Pizza” numbers 4 through 7, that appears not to be the case (all these titles are 100% real, by the way). How could men with such large penises possibly make a small ass look big? Barring some revolutionary new camera trick, I doubt they do. Which is why I must protest this award. It is one thing, sir, to have a clever title, but the discerning moviegoer demands that that title also be accurate. I SAID GOOD DAY!