Opening Everywhere: Movie 43, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Parker. God help us, it’s January. God help us all.
FilmDrunk Suggests: I suggest that you sit down and buckle up, because someone cut the brake lines on the negative train and I’m about to crash this sucker into Cynic City, USA.
Movie 43
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 10% critics, 71% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“A gaping wound on the side of cinema, a January release that’s yearning to be hidden from audiences, the ugly stinking maw of a Hollywood system that thinks you’re an idiot.” – Our great friend Laremy Legel, Film.com
“Well, they didn’t name it after the number of big laughs in it.” – Roger Moore, Movie Nation
Armchair Analysis: It’s hard to describe Movie 43. It’s basically a sketch film, with one of the most ridiculously amazing ensemble casts that you’ll ever see. Movie 43 is like the comedy version of Valentine’s Day, except with twice as many stars. That’s why it took 4 years to make this movie, because Peter Farrelly and the 10 other directors involved had to catch stars like Kate Winslet, Hugh Jackman, Naomi Watts, Richard Gere, Halle Berry, Emma Stone, Dennis Quaid, Seth MacFarlane and so many more in between their projects.
Hell, they even got ESPN’s Michael Wilbon to play a “Human Buttplug”. That is some serious superstar casting.
When I first saw that this movie was being made, my mind drifted off to a much better time in Hollywood, when sketch movies and spoof comedies were actually hilarious. I thought of one of the funniest movies that I’ve ever seen, The Kentucky Fried Movie, and then I wondered, “Is it possible? Did Peter Farrelly manage to recapture the magic that has been depleted by vapid human wastelands like Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg?”
No. Not unless the marketing team chose to include MacFarlane’s incredibly tired Schindler’s List joke and Terrence Howard’s “This isn’t hockey!” speech in the trailer to make us think, “They’re just using the sh*tty jokes so they don’t ruin the good jokes.” I want so badly to be wrong, but this movie looks like it will be terrible.
Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 13% critics, 77% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Even if he’s slumming, Renner gets it best: his dry delivery fully acknowledges the movie’s ridiculousness. If you’re planning on entering this fractured fairy tale, you’ll want to follow his lead.” – Elizabeth Weitzman, NY Daily News
“While the film rarely provokes any strenuous eye-rolling, it also can’t drum up even the slightest interest in the fate of its characters, let alone suspense.” – Andrew barker, Variety
Armchair Analysis: In case you don’t recall, I once championed Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter because I enjoyed the book, and I asked that instead of people just scoffing at the ridiculousness, they should just give it a chance. Then, of course, I named it my Worst Movie of the Year and begged for everyone’s forgiveness.
So I won’t be going with the “Hey some movies are awesome when they’re just stupid and fun” routine this time. Hansel and Gretel looks like someone got really high, watched Van Helsing and shouted, “I just had the best f*cking idea!” Bottom line – I like Jeremy Renner and I’d give a toe for the chance to use one awful pickup line on Gemma Arterton, but they’re going to need to personally convince me that this movie isn’t Abe Lincoln in a pointy hat.
Parker
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 32% critics, 80% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“The movie is a morals-free procession of bang bang bang! and blood blood blood!, and men slamming each other with blunt objects and slicing each other with blades.” – Lisa Schwarzbaum, EW (That actually sounds pretty fantastic.)
“A formula action movie that hits its formula marks as if no one expected more. I do expect more. So do Westlake fans. This Parker spits in our collective eye.” – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone
Armchair Analysis: Jason Statham has played an expert driver in three Transporter films, as well as in The Italian Job and Death Race. Now he plays a guy named Parker. For some reason that gives me the giggles. Anywho, let’s cut the chit chat and get down to brass tacks.
I’m a huge Statham fan. From Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch to The Bank Job and Killer Elite, I have enjoyed just about everything that the Staif has ever done. That is, with a few exceptions, which include In the Name of the King and especially Revolver, which is probably in my Top 3 of the worst movies ever made. But I should also point out that I blame those films on terrible directors (Uwe Boll is the devil and Guy Ritchie was brainwashed by Madonna at the time).
Parker? It has Jennifer Lopez. I don’t want to give money to anything that involves her. Look, I loved Out of Sight, but that was a long time ago. Having her in this film is like Cameron Diaz being cast as the sexy female lead in The Green Hornet. She just ruins the whole thing for me. Maybe if I watch Parker with a hand over one eye it will make it better.