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This Week in Posters & Stills: The Spring Breakers Bikini Team

By / 02.07.13
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This is one of five new character posters for Spring Breakers released this week, this one for Vanessa Hudgens' character, Candy. I may be reading into this too much, but this seems a little sexually suggestive to me. Am I crazy? Then again, as Freud once said, "Sometimes a nubile, half-naked teen shooting a finger pistol into her eager mouth is just a a nubile, half-naked teen shooting a finger pistol into her eager mouth."

Fancy! Here we have the first official still from Soderbergh's Liberace movie, Behind the Candelabra, which was deemed too gay for theaters. Which seems strange considering the theaters I have in my neighborhood here in San Francisco, but what do I know?? I'm not even a lawyer, I'm just a dude who likes pulling his pants down at the theater.

I think Tom Cruise has a pair of those same shoes Matt Damon is wearing.

[RopeofSilicon]

In Germany, Bullet to the Head is known as Shoot Out, apparently. I know they're trying to use his arm veins to distract me from his face, but it's not working. He looks like they put a wig and groucho nose on a cinder block.

Emperor: Tommy Lee Jones and Matthew Fox in a story about General MacArthur in Japan. I like the poster design fine, but from everything I've heard when I've complained about the names and faces not matching up on posters, it's very specifically negotiated which actor's name is going to go first on the poster. Which leads me to my next question: how the hell does Matthew Fox get his name above Tommy Lee Jones?

Nicely Photoshopped heads, there, mom and dad, very realistic.

"If a family doesn't stick together, sometimes you have to use a little tape."

True, but conversely, if you can't get them apart, sometimes you have to get the hose. Or is that dogs? I can never remember.

"All roads lead to this." Yes, all the previous Fast and Furious movies have been leading up to this one, the sixth installment, which will be the all-important lynchpin holding the seventh, eighth, and ninth movies together. You really don't want to miss this one. Without it, this franchise would just be a series of forgettable brodowns sandwiched between increasingly preposterous car chase scenes. Can you imagine?

It looks like he's hanging from a cliff made of sand! But seriously, isn't this 10 times more interesting than the usual diagonal crap?

Here's a Cobra recruiting poster from GI Joe 2: The C-Tatesening, or whatever it's called. Yes, please, come join our gang of faceless, ethnically ambiguous henchmen. Great benefits, full dental.

"GI Joe: Conspiration!" I don't know what that means in French, but I do know that for many years, "conspiration" was the only emotion Channing Tatum the actor could capably convey.

But 21 Jump Street and Magic Mike changed all that and now we're best bros.

Here's Nic Cage looking like he wants to chow your cockroach in Joe, from David Gordon Green:

In the dirty unruly world of small-town Texas, ex-convict Joe Ransom (Cage) has tried to put his dark past behind him and to live a simple life. He works for a lumber company by day, drinks by night. But when 15-year-old Gary (Sheridan) - a kid trying to support his family - comes to town, desperate for work, Joe has found a way to atone for his sins - to finally be someone’s hero. As Joe tries to protect Gary, the pair will take the twisting road to redemption in the hope for a better life in this tough, hard-hitting but incredibly moving story.

I have a hard time getting past "Joe Ransom." What's the kid's name, Gary Kidnapped? Your beard roots are showing.

[ThompsononHollywood]

I will see this if and only if they promise that this will really be the last movie about exorcism. Only in the world of horror movies could someone not recognize the irony of calling a movie "the Last Exorcism part II." But it's Eli Roth, so the irony is probably intended. Maybe? Tell you what, you go find out and report back.

Nice dreadlocks, I hope that's not a white chick under there. All white people with dreadlocks should be in prison.

How is this not a Nicholas Sparks movie? "She turned down a frisbee scholarship to MIT to move back to Myrtle Beach and take care of her colorblind aunt. He was a handsome war vet, just looking for a warm bed to sleep in and a Spanish moss nursery to caretake. Would she leave her abusive husband to help this handsome stranger spend his inheritance?"

If you have more than three Nicholas Sparks posters, you can start a dentist's office. True story.

Elijah Wood is much better at playing a creepy little weirdo than he is at playing a relatable protagonist, but this poster just makes me miss The Meaning of Robots. I wonder if any of those mannequins have f*ckable butts.

Oh you wacky Australians. I think they jumbled the names and faces as much as possible just to piss me off.

I can't get past the fact that the critic quote comes from a guy named "Cleaver Patterson." He and his wife, Hatchet Wound McGillicutty, together run the finest horror movie appreciation society on the net, not to mention a fine BDSM-themed bed and breakfast.

These days, the inclusion of McConaughey alone is enough to sell me. The fact that he has his shirt on still, that's what we call suspense. McConaughey wearing a shirt in the first act is like Chekhov's Gun.

Looks familiar, doesn't it?

Now with more flags. MURKA!

It looks like they over-airbrushed Aaron Eckhart's face and then had to go back in and re-add his chin cleft.

Oh hey, it's that dude from Girls, and it looks like he's friends with a movie blogger.

Now what are the odds that this same dude would be in two posters in a row this week? Gotta be astronomical.

The dumb diagonal, the visible crucifix right next to the transparent attempt to sell the sex of a wholesome Disney Channel star... I'm telling you, Harmony Korine and Franco are dicknosing us so hard with this.

And her name is "Faith."

"C'mon, y'all, why ya actin' 'spicious?"

Probably the line of the year. I can't look at Franco and not hear it in my head now.

O HAI, Ashley Benson. (*bites fist*) I like it when they tuck a finger into their waistband like that and bite their lips in a come-hither fashion. Those are definite IOIs. I'm gonna throw some DHVs her way and neg her a bit before I kino-escalate, but I'm pretty sure this one's in the bag.

Is she wearing anything under those shorts? Will she unbutton them? Such intriguing mystery.

"Cotty?" What in the hell kind of name is Cotty?

Ooh, the lady is behind. Kinky.

So the words are diagonal, but not the picture. I guess that works. Either way, we are truly living in a golden age of gay activist documentaries.

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