Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD And Streaming: Affleck Shrugged

By: 02.19.13

The Factory

Filmed in 2008, originally scheduled for a theatrical release in 2011, and now finally getting released straight to video in 2013, this flick stars John Cusack as a cop on the hunt for a serial killer that targets hookers, and who, as luck would have it, has mistaken Cusack’s daughter for a prostitute and has subsequently abducted her. Cusack’s character ‘drops all professional restraint’ in his efforts to rescue his daughter.  A daughter, I’d like to reiterate, that he loves so much and did such a good job raising that she managed to be confused for a prostitute.

For Ellen

In this indie drama Paul Dano plays a struggling rock musician in the midst of a custody battle and Napoleon Dynamite is his lawyer. I know there’s no accounting for taste, but I’d really like an explanation from each of the estimated 1600 people who paid actual money to see this movie in the theater.


Val Kilmer plays a corrupt sheriff with a pony tail in this film which also features Diora Baird.  I wouldn’t complain if every single film’s synopsis included that previous sentence.

The Package

The synopsis:

Vengeance Delivered. Guaranteed. Steve Austin and Dolph Lundgren star in the bone-crunching action flick that delivers the goods: Austin is combat veteran Tommy Wick, a nightclub bouncer and stone-cold enforcer for a Seattle mob boss. Lundgren is `The German,’ an international crime lord and hardcore killing machine. But when Wick is asked to courier a mysterious package to The German, he’ll suddenly find himself hunted by relentless teams of hit men, mercenaries, assassins and sadists. Time is running out. The bodies are piling up. And for two very pissed-off men with a history of bad blood, the ultimate retaliation is about to be ripped wide open.

What the hell does that mean, ‘the ultimate retaliation is about to be ripped wide open’?  That doesn’t make any sense.  Are they trying to refer to ‘old wounds’ being ripped wide open?  If so, it still doesn’t make sense because the old wound, according to that phrasing, would be retaliation, and that still doesn’t make any sense. I’d hate to play madlibs with whomever wrote the last sentence of this synopsis, I can tell you that much!

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