Bros! Me and Spinach and Sandles and Black Steve were just over at campus stealing trash cans to fill with Grandma’s for tonight’s charity ghetto-themed MLK BBQ for the battered women’s shelter, when, just as I was mad-dogging those Teak fags for stealing our pumpkins, I got a text from Asian Steve about a new Hangover III trailer! The wolfpack is back, bros! So tight! So we all jumped in Spinach’s mom’s Range Rover and hightailed it over to the Peet’s Coffee where Lacey Fingerbang works to watch it on Sandles’ Macbook. Spinach was being a total bitch about us wearing shoes in his car, but we told him suck it, your dad’s a CFO, he can get it reupholstered any time he wants, just like when Date Rape Dave bled all over the back after bid night, RIP. And bro, the new trailer is TIGHT AS HELL. Alan’s off his meds, so the bros have to do an intervention, just like the time Pete the Meat tried to talk Pip out of doing those whippets but he was so butthoused on Oxy’s he fell out a window. But then, halfway there, John Goodman and a bunch of dudes in pig masks show up to kidnap all of them! He says he’s looking for “Leslie Chow,” which is like hilarious, because how’s a Chinese bro even gonna pronounce “Leslie?” And then he’s like “I need some righteous bros to catch this nub-dicked hater and the only ones who can do it are the Wolfpack because they party super hard.”
Rad, right? Like, he knows them all by name now because they’re world famous partiers for getting butthoused and wrecking shit all the time, just like when that Persian tri-delt’s lawyers called us “the wrecking crew” after Boner Brendan threw her couch onto that cop car.
Yo, but so they need to, like, get Doug back, right? Because continuity of the trilogy and bullsh*t like that. But Chow keeps getting away because he’s TOTAL DICK, bro, like that adjunct prof we had who wouldn’t accept massive blue balls as a medical emerge (RIP, Blowjob Stacey). So they meet up with that Melissa Brendan McCarthy chick and I think something’s gonna happen between her and Alan, because they’re yelling at that house mom pretty harsh. Plus, you know that chick gives great head. Whatever, your little bro knows what I’m f*cking talking about!
Anyway, you gonna buy these Klonopins or not? Because otherwise I have to put them back in my mom’s medicine cabinet.
[Thanks to my broiest bro Burnsy for collaborating on this. Opens May 24th]