Mahky Mahk gawt notawriously ripped fa ris new movie, no doubt aided by the fact that he’s gawt shawt little ahms like a T-Rex – all the bettah to rip you da fack apaht wit, GO SAWX. But then at the Pain & Gain premiere (as pictured in this image, courtesy of TheSuperficial) it seems the Wahlburgers co-financier finally found a way to make his arms look longer.
Wait, there are dwarves in Pain & Gain? I wasn’t exactly surprised, but I had to know more, so I asked intern Zeke, who I sent to see the film. Here is a brief transcript of our conversation:
ZEKE: So what happens: The three dudes want to break into Tony Shaloub’s motel room. They threaten to kill the snobby teen clerk who we see reading a book, so he just gives them the key. The three are followed to the room by the dwarf dude. The Rock f*cks him up, strangles him, totally brutalizes him, and then they leave.
ME: Wait, so the hotel owner is a dwarf?
ZEKE: No, no, the clerk was reading a book and being snobby until the three threatened him. The dwarf thought he could out tough them. But they are body builders so The Rock proved him wrong instantly by picking the dwarf up by his throat and holding him there and strangling him and throwing him around.
ME Yeah, but where did the dwarf come from?
ZEKE: The dwarf has already been established as working at the motel. The dwarf comes out of nowhere in this scene though.
I’m glad I could take you all on this journey with me. Meanwhile, this scene is actually Michael Bay’s world in a nutshell. I sent my intern because after seeing a 30-second trailer for Pain & Gain, I was pretty sure I knew everything there was to know about that movie. See, once upon a time, Michael Bay was a commercial director (that Aaron Burr commercial? That was him), and he’s still a commercial director at heart. The skill of a commercial director is being able to communicate a message in as little time as possible, sometimes with a shot that lasts less than a second. That philosophy still guides Michael Bay, even when he’s making a two-hour movie. Thus, there’s nothing in a Michael Bay film that can’t be easily communicated in a few seconds. Let’s recap:
- The hotel clerk is snobby. Why is he snobby? Because he reads books. And what do snobby book readers do? They act like pussies.
- The dwarf is too big for his britches. Why is he too big for his britches? Because he’s a dwarf. And what do too-big-for-his-britches dwarves do? They pick fights with big dudes and get beat up.
- The Rock is big and tough. How do we know he’s big and tough? Because he’s a pro wrestling bodybuilder playing a bodybuilder. And what do big, tough, bodybuilders do? They scare pussies and beat up punks who challenge them to get what they want because they’re awesome.
This is how you write a Michael Bay movie.