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This Week in Posters: The Rock is Still Super Buff

By / 04.04.13
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First up on This Week in Posters, Brad Pitt in World War Z. I think I heard the new tagline for this somewhere, but it must've been too long to fit on the poster:

It’s not a journey. Every journey ends, but we go on. The world turns, and we turn with it. Plans disappear. Dreams take over. But wherever I go, there you are. My luck, my fate, my fortune. Zombies. Inevitable.

I think that was how it was supposed to go.

So I guess this is the place where I have to come out and admit that I still haven't seen Before Sunrise or Before Sunset. I know, I know, they're great, everyone says so, and I do like Linklater. But honestly, I can barely get through 15 seconds of the trailers without wanting to punch everyone white person I know. Is this three full movies worth of small talk? I don't even like small talk in real life. Also, turns out, I don't care much about Ethan Hawke unless cholos are threatening to blow his brains out in a bathtub.

"Hey, remember that time we f*cked? Let's talk about it for 90 minutes in front of European scenery."

This looks like a mash-up of Woody Allen, Nancy Myers, and Judd Apatow.

I do enjoy a hand-painted poster, though this one doesn't exactly tell me enough about the movie to be intrigued. In fact, if you took away the eye bandages, made it sunny instead of rain, and changed the guy to a girl, you'd have every 20-something chick's Facebook/online dating profile picture.

Per IMPA: "The poster is made up of 6,507 images from Kickstarter backers for the film."

Cool idea. What they didn't count on is that I helped fund this Kickstarter just so that I could sneak a picture of myself masturbating into the poster. I get off on that kind of thing. Good luck finding it!

Here's a weird poster for the CBGB movie you probably didn't know about before today. I'm happy to see that they at least lined up the names with the pictures, but, uh... what's going on with the captions? "Woof my ass!" What does that even mean? The way it's punctuated implies that the dog wants someone to toss his dog salad. Can't dogs just do that themselves?

This poster is like trying to parse inside jokes in your parents' yearbook.

Courtesy of HollywoodReporter, here's Malin Akerman on a CBGB poster as Blondie's Deborah Harry. Don't ask my why it's so small (for one thing, that question is a bit of a sore subject for me). And if you were wondering, yes, it sounds like this is going to be a jukebox musical.

The film examines New York’s punk scene through CBGB, the club which helped launch the careers of Blondie, Talking Heads, Ramones and others. CBGB was owned by Hilly Kristal (played by Alan Rickman in the film), who in the late 1970s wanted to create a venue for country, bluegrass and blues music. When those acts became difficult to book, the club shifted its focus to local groups. CBGB closed in 2008.

Randall Miller directed the film and co-wrote the script with Jody Savin. The film’s cast includes Ashley Greene, Johnny Galecki, Joel David Moore, Stana Katic, Rupert Grint and Taylor Hawkins.

According to the filmmakers, the music-heavy CBGB features 50 songs and 16 on-camera performances. Miller and Savin’s Unclaimed Freight Productions is producing, along with former senior vp of Warner/Chappell Music Brad Rosenberger and Kristal’s daughter, Lisa Kristal Burgman.

Oof, that sounds awful. Yay, let's do a movie about the underground punk scene in seventies New York. Because hey, you know what Hollywood does well? Authenticity.

And here's Rupert Grint hanging on the CBGB set in Savannah, in case you needed some help having nightmares. This movie is giving me a very Rock of Ages vibe. And I'd spent a lot of time trying to forget that movie existed, man. A lot of time. (*chugs scotch straight from bottle, stares off into the distance*)

[source]

Ah, "revenge never dies," the old "noun never verbs" tagline. Doesn't matter if it makes any concrete sense at all, it just has to sound cool. Sadness never laughs. Tires never dream. Badgers never percolate. See, that's the first step to becoming a copywriter, you just take concrete meaning, stick it in a burlap sack and fire it into the sun.

Ooh, a spicy Latin 8-Mile? Count me in. What do you think, is Edward James Olmos the inspiring figure who convinces Filly Brown to follow her dreams, or is he the disapproving, old-school father figure who resents his daughter's burgeoning independence and sexuality? "Ay, queet your rappeen and get a yob, pendeja!"

The Great Gatsby, starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Carey Mulligan, Tobey Maguire, and a coupla nameless dames not important enough to get their names on the poster. Shove off, ya dames! Go beat against the current.

Aw, look how happy they are! Someone must've listened to their friend Billy Zane.

Between this and the Coen Brothers' new movie, this is really turning out to be a big year for folk music. I'll just stop there because I know jack spit about Jeff Buckley. Also, I realize "Penn Badgely" isn't an anagram for "Tim Buckley," but I like to pretend that it is.

They already had me at "Mickey Rourke with a machine gun and a carnation on his lapel," but come to find out, it also has Kellen Lutz.

Kellan Lutz (Twilight, Immortals) and Academy Award Nominee and Golden Globe Winner Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler, Immortals, Iron Man 2) star in Java Heat: an exotic cross-cultural action thriller about a reckless American who teams up with a Muslim cop to stop a terrorist mastermind.

At a time when relations between the West and Islam are dangerously tense, Java Heat opens amidst the aftermath of a terrorist attack in Indonesia, the world’s largest Muslim nation. Java Heat centers on Jake (Lutz), a reckless American tough guy who becomes embroiled in the turmoil ensuing the attacks, which killed the country’s much beloved Sultana.

Jake is bent on vengeance but quickly finds the world a more complicated place than he can solve with violence alone.  Lost among labyrinths of religious, political and cultural havoc, Jake must ally with cerebral Muslim detective Hashim (rising Indonesian star Ario Bayu), who handles Jake more like a suspect than a partner. The uneasy friendship leads to a treacherous man-hunt for the attack’s real instigator, a new breed of klepto-terrorist (Rourke), who is even more twisted and terrifying than the Jihadist terrorists he hides behind.

I'll be honest, that sounds pretty well thought out for a Kellen Lutz movie.

EEE! Yes, I support this.

Did you notice that Aaron Johnson is now Aaron Taylor-Johnson? That's because he took his 23-years-senior cougar wife's last name. She must have a magical vagina. I respect her game.

This Kings of Summer poster is pretty cool, even if it does remind me a little of a Levis commercial.

This is for Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, the latest young-adult novel adaptation in the tradition of Twilight and The Hunger Games. I know I've said this before, but Lily Collins looks like she smells really good. I also like that she seems to be pulling her pants down.

Speak truth with your pillowy lips, handsome one, the feminine counsel is waiting.

Simple, effective. I don't know if he needs to be stabbing her in the butt like that though, that's kind of weird.

I didn't get to catch this at SXSW, but I did hear Matthew McConaughey describe his character as  "a guy who's stepped in shit so many times that he starts to think it's good luck." No idea what that means, but I like the sound of it when McConaughey says it.

That's the most buttons McConaughey has had buttoned in years.

Last week on This Week in Posters, we had the Pacific Rim posters for the Chinese and Russian Robot Jox Jaegers. This week it's the American. The Chinese robot had a spinny claw and the Russian one had a giant fist. I can't tell what the American one's "special move" is, but the "34" on his shoulder reminds me of Cleatus the football robot.

Good lord The Rock is looking huge these days. Meanwhile, the trick of perspective in this shot is that Marky Mark and his short little T-Rex arms are actually walking 10 feet in front of the other two.

I posted the trailer for this yesterday. You can pretty much count me out of any movie where the poster features a guy in a creepy mask.

Cool poster, and they're definitely selling the sh*t out of this movie. Although they might be overselling it. A certain level of hyperbolic poster quotes is intriguing, but at some point people kind of start folding their arms across their chest going "well this better be good..."

This is the movie that Armond White used the word "nerd" seven times in his review of, by the way. We'll be discussing it on next week's Frotcast, if you would like to participate.

Why, this girl doesn't seem to be running at all, though she does have nice legs. As IMPA astutely points out, the tagline isn't very original either:

See Old Days (2013), Broken Bridges (2006), A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints (2006), and Standing Still (2006) to name a few similar ones. [IMPA]

Poor Michael Cera, not only does he die in the trailer, he doesn't get to be on the poster at all. Bummer, man. I also enjoy that Danny McBride is still rocking his curls while Rogen and Jonah Hill are trying to hid theirs. Though I appreciate the strides they've taken to make curly-haired men part of the national conversation again. The nineties were rough for us.

This might be the most generic movie poster of the year. Sorry I didn't get a chance to post the trailer the other day.

"Did you know Bobby Beans was DEA?" is my new favorite Wahlberg line.

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TOPICS#THIS WEEK IN POSTERS
TAGS2 GunsBOBBY BEANSCBGBGREETINGS FROM TIM BUCKLEYKick Ass 2MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONESPAIN AND GAINPOSTERSthe purgeWORLD WAR Z
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