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Weekend Movie Guide: VROOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

By / 05.24.13

‘WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”


Opening Everywhere: Fast & Furious 6, The Hangover 3, Epic, Before Midnight

FilmDrunk Suggests: This, my Drunkards, is what the Hollywood producers refer to as a true summer movie weekend. You’ve got bigtime action, comedy and animated kids films going toe-to-toe for our hard-earned cash. So which one do you see? THE ONE ABOUT CARS, BROSEPHINE BAKER! *revs engine, stalls out, calls local Hyundai dealer*

“No, it’s MY spatula!”


Fast & Furious 6

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 74% critics, 85% audience (*air guitars, twerks*)

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Ludicrous, but undeniably fun and surprisingly affectionate, this is really all you could ask of a car crash movie, and more.” – Tom Charity, CNN

“That the movie is so indifferently written shouldn’t really be a surprise. The dialogue is just there to mark time between the set pieces, and it’s nice to report that Lin has outdone himself in that department.” – Adam Nayman, Globe and Mail

Armchair Analysis: I’ve watched both the original The Fast and the Furious and 2 Fast 2 Furious in the past week, and how this series ever existed beyond a film that featured not only Vin Diesel and Paul Waker, but also Tyrese and Cole Hauser is mind-blowing. I could have understood some straight-to-DVD films starring the mouth-breather from Tokyo Drift, but this is amazing.

I mean, the franchise has only gotten stronger, like The Godfather in reverse, and now it has added not only the Rock and Gina Carano, but also Jason Statham. I’d love to read Satan’s contract for these movies.

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilarious.


The Hangover 3

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 21% critics, 88% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“This odious, mean-spirited movie appropriates the title and the characters from the previous pictures and sends them on a would-be adventure involving gangsters, gold bars and that pinnacle of hilarity, decapitated giraffes.” – Rene Rodriguez, Miami Herald

“The surprise is that this trilogy concludes with a movie in which action often speaks louder than comedy. It isn’t as consistently, convulsively funny as The Hangover, or apparently intended to be.” – Steve Persall, Tampa Bay Times

Armchair Analysis: I hated The Hangover 2. Like HATED. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATED. And I never really cared for the original, for that matter. But I like or at least respect everyone involved in these films enough to hope that this is a decent finale.

“Oh my… it’s an original idea.”


Epic

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 62% critics, 74% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“A 3D eco-fantasy whose mantra-like insistence that we’re all connected by nature is one of the main things that underscores the abject insincerity of the sentiment as the movie articulates it, ‘Epic’ is very nearly epic in its stifling mediocrity.” – Glenn Kenney, MSN

“Generic entertainment with a brave heroine, cutesy-poo supporting characters, parental figures who are either absent or absent-minded, etcetera, etcetera.” – Steven Rea, Philadelphia Inquirer

Armchair Analysis: I don’t know whether or not this movie was named after the buzzword like, “EPIC FAIL!” but it doesn’t help my first impression of the animated children’s movie. Go ahead and Google the word Epic and then click on images. Even if your kid was kicking and screaming to see this, wouldn’t those search results make you want to send your kid to a boarding school?

“We should call the next one After Farty Fart Fart. FART. FARRRRRRT.”


Before Midnight

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 96% critics, 90% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“If I were only allowed to see one movie this year, I’d want it to be Before Midnight. If I were only allowed two trips to a theater this year, I’d see it twice.” – Mary F. Pols, TIME

“If anything, the films have only gotten better by letting the relationship marinate. “Midnight’s” more disgruntled edge reflects what creeps up on couples as years pass, regrets stack up, kids factor in, real life intervenes.” – Betsy Sharkey, LA Times

Armchair Analysis: This third installment of Richard Linklater’s trilogy is the Fast & Furious 6 for aging hipsters. Now get going with that damn Dazed and Confused sequel, Linklater.


TAGSBEFORE MIDNIGHTepicfast and furious 6THE HANGOVER 3WEEKEND MOVIE GUIDE

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