Two weeks ago, a man in Brighton, England put up an ad for a roommate on Gumtree. He’s old, retired, hoping to enjoy the town for the rest of his days while he reflects on his experiences. One of the best? His friendship with Gregory the Walrus.
Never have I had such a fulfilling friendship with anyone, human or otherwise, and upon leaving the island I was heartbroken for months. I now find myself in a large house over looking Queens Park and am keen to get a lodger. This is a position I am prepared to offer for free (eg: no rent payable) on the fulfillment of some conditions.
You bet your sweet ass there are some conditions. You don’t get a flat over-looking Queens Park for free FOR FREE. I’ve never been, but it must be heaven on Earth if it’s worth Koo Koo Kachoo’s conditions.
I have, over the last few months, been constructing a realistic walrus costume, which should fit most people of average proportions, and allow for full and easy movement in character.
Oh, cool, man! Do you like, work for a costume house? Or freelance different theater groups or—?
To take on the position as my lodger you must be prepared to wear the walrus suit for approximately two hours each day.
Wow. Really? Two hours a day and free rent? I guess I see how you’d need to size it, test it, make sure it looks real.
Whilst in the walrus costume you must be a walrus—there must be no speaking in a human voice, and any communication must entail making utterances in the voice of a walrus [...] to me, the voice is the most natural thing I have ever heard. Other duties will involve catching and eating the fish and crabs that I will occasionally throw to you whilst you are being the walrus.
Okay. F*ck. I mean. It could definitely be worse, right? There’s a surprising lack of sexual depravity in this post, though perhaps that’s reserved for his “workshop” (of course 85% of the drawers are full of body parts). Whatever the case may be, our hero posted an update, saying he found his lodger. Sorry to all who auditioned, and godspeed/RIP to the lucky winner.
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