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0% ALERT: Grown Ups 2 is still pitching a perfect Bucky Larson

By / 07.11.13
Grown-Ups-2

An artist’s conception of what it might look like if Adam Sandler cared what critics thought.


With only 10 critics reporting, Grown Ups 2 is still pitching a perfect Bucky Larson on RottenTomatoes with zero positive reviews. It’s strange, you’d think critics would love a movie with a deer peeing on Adam Sandler’s face in the trailer.

“willfully uninspired.” -Village Voice

“Among the slackest, laziest, least movie-like movies released by a major studio in the last decade, ‘Grown Ups 2′ is perhaps the closest Hollywood has yet come to making “Ow! My Balls!” seem like a plausible future project.” -Variety

“Yes, it’s time for another visit to the Adam Sandler Death-of-Cinema Fun Factory, the big-screen version of a terrible sitcom where laugh tracks are replaced by the co-stars chuckling at their own awful material.” -TheWrap

“It’s like watching your parents do pratfalls or, even worse, make out.” -New England Movies Weekly

“A phoned-in ode to lazy comedy and staggering stupidity.” -Times-Picayune

“sandler, noun. A person so indifferent toward your moviegoing experience that he seems to go out of his selfish way to decrease your enjoyment.” -RedEye

“The most horrifying depiction of inhuman behavior since That’s My Boy.” -CraveOnline

“Almost aggressively more of the same. If you hated the last one, you’ll be in misery all over again. If you took to the predecessor, you’ll find this one a fitting continuation.” -DustinPutnam

“GROWN UPS 2 is a hate crime against comedy, perpetrated by lazy, fraudulent cynics. I’m done seeing Sandler movies. There’s no point. Probably the most damning thing I can say about GROWN UPS 2 is that it’s actually worse than GROWN UPS.” -EricDSnider

“Another lowbrow make-work project for Sandler’s jock cronies, SNL has-been hangers-on and Dan Patrick.” -Roger Moore, McClatchy-Tribune.

HEYO, suck on that, Dan Patrick. The out-of-left-field Dan Patrick diss was my favorite part of that whole blockquote, like a waiter who inadvertently lumbered by during a roast and got called a lardass by Lisa Lampanelli.

In any case, I have a feeling this movie isn’t going to end up pitching a perfect zero when all is said and done. Someone always comes to the defense of an Adam Sandler movie, as long as Adam Sandler is the star. But who will write the first positive review, who?? Luckily, I think I know just the man for the job. Gentleman, READY THE BEACON! AIM IT TOWARDS THE NIGHT SKY ABOVE THE NEW YORK FILM CRITICS CIRCLE LAIR!

armond-white-beacon

HELP US, ARMOND WHITE! ADAM SANDLER NEEDS YOU!


TAGSBUCKY LARSONDcriticsEVERYONE'S A CRITICGROWN UPS 2HAPPY MADISONTHE ARMOND WHITE BEACONZERO PERCENT ON ROTTENTOMATOES

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