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Man sues Apple because his computer showed him porn and gave him unrealistic sexpectations

By 07.15.13

Porn-Phone-Guy

A Tennessee man is suing Apple, and the crux of his lawsuit is that they sold him a computer without the porn filter turned on. Which is frivolous, but not the funny part. The funny part is that the plaintiff, Chris Sevier, blames Apple because all the hoohas and ‘giners he saw on his ‘puter (through no fault of his own, of course) gave him an unrealistic idea of what sex with his wife would be like. That poor woman. Hasn’t she suffered enough on account of her husband being an idiot?

There’s a lot in the suit – uncovered by Above the Law and highlighted by CNet – and it is bonkers. The guy claims Apple lost him his wife, his son, and his job, all because he couldn’t control himself once he COMPLETELY ACCIDENTALLY saw some porn for the first time ever. Here are some of my favorite parts:

Just for Apple’s and the Court’s convenience, my electronic group made a music video/vocal edit of Zedd’s “Shave It Up” combined with the talk on “the demise of guys,” that summarizes the issues in the lawsuit as it relates to rewiring, voyeurism products liability, and systemic problems that are the direct result of our collective arrogance to not do something about an problem [sic] area.

And here he helpfully provides a link to his electronic group’s music video. This is the first paragraph of the suit, by the way. I’m no lawyer, but I can’t imagine summing up your argument with a lip dub is standard practice.

Apple has always been an entity that is concerned with the welfare of our Nation’s children, while furthering pro-American values. There is no reason for Apple, a private company to overly support pornography online, explicit sexual content which has led to the proliferation of arousal addiction, sex trafficking, prostitution, and countless numbers of destroyed lives.

To be fair, porn has undoubtedly led to even higher numbers of created lives (because of all the f*cking, you see).  Also, I’m pretty sure “arousal addiction” is a redundant phrase.

The Plaintiff respectfully demands that Apple sell all of its devices on “safe mode,” with software preset to filter out pornographic content.

“Safe mode,” as if a naked Faye Reagan is going to kick down your door and boost your car stereo. Haha, what? I meant to say who’s Faye Reagan?

Plaintiff request that Apple and this Honorable Court to open its eyes to the realities of the human heart. We need Apple and this Court to protect us from ourselves from developing intrusive sexual additions [sic] afforded like never before thanks to cyberspace and devices that allow us to connect to it.

“But ladies and gentlemen of the jury, let us ask ourselves, is it truly the heart that is desirous of pornography, or is it the boner?”

Everyone knows that males are stimulated by sight. Our children, grandchildren, families, and friends need Apple to protect our eyes from unintentionally observing things that could end up being damaging.

Unlike plants, who are stimulated by light. (*More You Know music plays*)

By the way, some of the subheadings of the lawsuit include “PATRIOTISM”, “THE RISE OF LATE NIGHT SEX ENHANCEMENT DRUGS,” and my favorite, “APPLE IS HIJACKING GREAT SEX BY FAILING TO SELL ITS PRODUCTS IN SAFE MODE.”

One tragic component of pornography for everyone is that it obviously encourages lust, which hijacks great sex, making the thrill of engaging in deviant behavior the primary objective of intercourse…

Pedophiles and the consumers of prostitutes, nearly all of which are males, did not start out that way. Nearly all of those men started down that path after looking at porn.

“Consumers of prostitutes” – wait, people are eating prostitutes now? This problem is worse than I thought! Also, you talk about the men who got into prostitutes after looking at porn, what about the ones who became doctors and astronauts? That had to happen at least as many times. I mean why else would it be called “playing doctor?”

The evidence of porn’s terrible impact is all around us. (The fact that we are allowing gay people to serve in our military which is going to produce terrible consequence is the result of a collective culture mindset warped by the lie that porn is harmless…)

Wait, does God hate porn or does he love dead gay soldiers? I forget how the rest of this goes…

The Plaintiff bout the Mac Book pro from an Apple store in Tennessee. The Plaintiff is an EDM, electronic artist, in a musical group called Ghost WARS. He purchased the Mac Book create music [sic].

In using safari, the Plaintiff accidentally misspelled “facebook.com” which lead him [sic] to “f*ckbook.com” and a host of websites that caused him to see pornographic images that appealed to his biological sensibilities as a male and lead [sic] to an unwanted addiction with adverse consequences.

Wait, it doesn’t sound like Apple’s to blame. This problem leads back to SATAN. The devil’s been controlling your fingers, boy! Fire your lawyer and hire an exorcist!

The Plaintiff began to prefer the cyber beauties over his wife, which caused his marriage to fail. His wife abducted his son and disappeared, which was a subsequent consequence of Apple’s decision to sell its computers not on “safe mode.”

It’s like the butterfly effect, only instead of a gust from a butterfly’s wings that changes the future, it was a hot blast of Brazilian fart fetish porn. (I can’t wait for the Google traffic typing that sentence will bring).

When the Plaintiff bought his Apple Mac Book, no one at the apple store warned him that looking at pornographic images and videos could cause addictions to include arousal addiction or that the devise [sic] could be the gateway to accessing content that could cause a rewiring of his brain, which lead [sic] to the demise of his family, unemployment, and unwanted changes in life style.

Wait, “life style?” Did porn turn him gay too?! Jeez, don’t bury the lede, guy.

Anyway, the suit keeps going like that, covering many of the same points over and over again. Personally, I think this guy just saw Kirk Cameron’s Fireproof one too many times. I call it the case of “my computer was asking for it, dressed that way.” But if he’d been paying attention to Cameron’s real message, he’d know that a real man wouldn’t settle this by filing a sissy lawsuit against one of our country’s proud and put-upon corporations who were only pursuing their God-given right to . He’d teach that bastard computer a lesson using nothing but a baseball bat and a fruity sweater. Go Jesus. Go America. RIP, Ass Dan.

Here’s the full text (via CNet). Ha, “C-net.”

Chris Sevier Apple Complaint


TOPICS#APPLE
TAGSCHRIS SEVIERFRIVOLOUS LAWSUITSHILARIOUS LAWSUITSLAWSUITSPORNO

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