Every time that I try to write about Man of Steel or Avengers sequel rumors, I get some know-it-alls in the comments correcting my basic knowledge of comics as if I’m supposed to have read every single story from the 80s, 90, 00s and 10s under the sun that fuels Superman. So I decided that I wanted to be proactive moving forward and get ahead of the game when it comes to predicting the possible plot details of Batman vs. Superman or Superman vs. Batman or whatever, aside from “Batman shows up to Metropolis and he’s all, Hey Superman, stop breaking sh*t.”
Thanks to the folks at my absolute favorite Tumblr site, the very simply named “Comic Book Covers,” I was able to dig back through hundreds of old Marvel and DC issues for every character known to man and unearth some classic issues that I believe could really lend some excitement and creativity to the Man of Steel sequel, as Batman and Superman are finally set to meet each other in a motion picture for the first time.
I’ve even added my own suggested titles and plots just in case Zack Snyder and writer David Goyer need some help in really beefing up their second effort.
The Plot: With Batman and Superman finally working together to stop the world’s villains, Batgirl and Supergirl set out to prove that they can battle the bad guys just as well as men. So they distract Supe and Bat with a variety of meaningless chores in order to bust their balls and break their spirits, while they stop Lex Luthor and Darkseid from ruining this weekend’s Tory Burch sale.
The Plot: With the world’s two greatest superheroes knocking out villains left and right, they decide to turn their efforts for good into a contest of ego. All goes well until Batman actually cuts off a chunk of the world. To make matters worse, it’s not the part that includes Florida.
The Plot: Lex Luthor and the Joker team up to take on Superman, Batman and Robin, and with the help of Luthor’s giant pocketwatch (voiced by Vin Diesel) they atomize Superman and whip Batman and Robin to death with a giant coil. And that’s it. They’re all dead and the Joker and Luthor win. Whatever, life sucks sometimes.
The Plot: Superman’s babe dumps him and he gets super bummed about it, so he stops showing up to his CrossFit classes and totally stops keeping track of his carb intake. He gains, like, 200-pounds and his tights barely fit him anymore. Thankfully, Batman shows up and he’s like, “BRO! You need to cut out meat for at least six months.”
The Plot: Superman turns into a dog!
The Plot: Batman and Robin travel to Metropolis to meet Superman for the first time, but a mixup at the dry cleaners leaves them with only their Halloween costumes from last year. Boy, are their faces red when they get to town, only to realize… they’re just in time for a costume party!
The Plot: Before Batman actually travels to Metropolis, Robin travels back in time to meet Superboy and destroy his clock that, unbeknownst to the Man of Steel, will kill him in the future. How will it kill him? I don’t know, it’s a big f*cking clock, so it probably falls on him while he’s moving.
The Plot: The robotic villain Metamorpho arrives in Metropolis and extracts the best halves from both Batman and Superman so he can control the Earth forever. But then a guy with a gun just shoots the Batman half and Metamorpho dies because Batman’s a human. The idiot should have just taken all of Superman. God, what a dipshit.
The Plot: Instead of fighting all the bad guys and destroying Metropolis in the process, Batman and Superman challenge the Joker and Lex Luthor to a game of baseball. Nine heroes vs. nine villains and the winning team controls the Earth. The heroes win when it’s revealed that Darkseid lied about his age and tested positive for HGH.
The Plot: Clark Kent and Lois Lane get a place in Brooklyn together and they start their own urban farm, because they’re disgusted by the way that humans and especially Monsanto are poisoning our foods. Batman shows up as a Freegan and things take an unexpected turn when Lex Luthor drops off a fixie made of Kryptonite.
The Plot: Someone dumps a ton of acid and ecstasy into Metropolis’ water supply and everyone gets really high and starts seeing little people villains that play pranks on everyone. When everyone comes to, Batman is found naked in a swimming pool with only Robin’s severed hand in his possession. Everyone agrees to just not talk about it.
The Plot: Superman names himself the King of Earth, but then LeBron James shows up and challenges him to a dunk contest, and Skip Bayless is like, “SUPERMAN IS BETTER THAN LE-CHOKE!” and Stephen A. Smith is all, “LEBRON JAMES HAS MORE MVP AWARDS THAN SUPERMAN BY AGE 27!” and everyone in Metropolis begs Doomsday for a quick death.
The Plot: Julius Caesar’s ghost actually shows up in Metropolis, but not to haunt anyone. He’s opening a new casino and the world’s newest superhero is the hottest slot room in North America. And don’t forget to win your money back at the all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet!
The Plot: Superman needs Batman’s help to stop the Prankster, because he’s a total dick and keeps hitting the Man of Steel in the face with pies. “That sh*t’s hard to get out of my eyes,” he’ll complain.
The Plot: Batman discovers that Superman has a twin brother that he’s been keeping chained in a basement all along, so everyone wants to know why he’s done this, until he eventually reveals that it’s not actually his twin brother but a sex slave that looks a lot like him, because Superman’s a total pervert, you guys.
The Plot: I don’t really know how or why this would work, but Cheetara could be played by Kate Upton and it would just take care of a lot of things for me, okay?
The Plot: Superman suddenly realizes that he has the power to shoot rainbows from his hands, so he flies around turning all of the world’s most awful places and things into Lady Gaga concerts. And Adam Lambert plays Batman and Mario Cantone plays Robin, and it’s just awesome because everyone is well-dressed.
The Plot: Realizing that they’re the world’s greatest superheroes, Superman and Batman quickly do away with all of their foes, so they just sort of decide that they’re going to be dicks to everyone. Why? Why not, f*ck you, loser.
The Plot: This one’s kind of like Metamorpho, except it’s Composite Superman and he’s not a robot. He’s just this really annoying villain who tries way too hard to fit in, and Superman and Batman can only stop him by teaching him how to just be himself. In the end, he finally asks out that really cute chick at the J. Crew store. You know, the brunette with the tits.
The Plot: BROS! Black Adam is crazy totes pissed that Shazam took Pi Phi Katie to the formal last week and Superman knew about it, but neither of them asked his permission because she just dumped him like a week ago and SUPER BROS BEFORE HOES! Anyway, Black Adam’s like, “My dad’s a lawyer and I’m gonna have this whole house shut down because you’re all a bunch of pussies and I’ll kick your asses!” and Blowjob Stacy shows up all, “Superman, I’m pregnant or whatever” and he uses his x-ray vision and is like, “You’re lying, ho” and she’s like, “F*CK YOU, I’M GONNA TELL EVERYONE YOU HAVE A TINY DICK!” But they end up together because she’s still pretty hot.
The Plot: This horse keeps bumping into Superman and he’s finally like, “This horse sucks” and he blows it up with his heat vision. Meanwhile, the Metropolis homeless shelter eats well.
The Plot: Superman is mad because people are wasting water, so he takes over the entire city’s water supply. Some people think they’re smart and buy bottled water, but they forget that he’s ridiculously fast and he flies around smacking the bottles out of everyone’s hands. Finally, Batman shows up and is like, “Don’t you see the irony?” and Superman is like, “Oh snap, good point” and he gives everyone their water back.
The Plot: Superman gets a visit from Batman, who is played by Snoop Lion, and they just smoke a bunch of different types of weed and play video games for two hours.
The Plot: In a very touching story of personal growth and overcoming adversity, Superman battles perhaps his greatest foe of all – a poor self-image. He soon develops eating disorders and it takes the help of his good friend Batman to make him realize that we’re all beautiful in our own way.
The Plot: Seriously, he just plays marbles all the time, and Batman arrives in Metropolis and immediately leaves because, “I’m not hanging out with this f*cking tool.”