So here is an open letter from Kanye West asking Hollywood to make him the new Batman. Okay, so when I say it’s from Kanye West I actually mean it’s from me–Alison Stevenson–playing the character of Kanye West. I am merely doing Kanye’s job for him, since I am sure this is a letter he was planning on writing sometime soon anyways. You’re welcome!
Hello Hollywood! It’s me, Kanye West. You might know me as the greatest rapper in the history of all time. If you don’t know me as the greatest rapper in the history of all time, then you’re a dumb idiot and should think hard about your life choices. As the greatest rapper in the history of all time, who better than the greatest rapper in the history of all time to recommend you Hollywood’s next big star? This guy is funny, talented, gifted, awesome, brilliant, amazing, and fun to be around. His name is Kanye West, and he is more than just the greatest rapper in the history of all time. He is also the greatest actor in the history of all time. He just hasn’t really done it yet, unless you count his relationship with Kim Kardashian as an acting gig! See, told ya I was funny. I mean he. Us. Yeezus (in stores now).
I’ll cut to the chase Hollywood, I know you’re busy and all. Not as busy as me obviously. On top of being the greatest rapper in the history of all time, I am also the busiest rapper in the history of all time. I heard it through my third assistant, Grapevine, that you have a new Superman versus Batman movie coming out and do not yet know who will play Batman. Rumors are speculating that it might be Ryan Gosling? That guy got eyes too close to his nose. F*ck Ryan Gosling. Hollywood, how could you be so stupid? How come you haven’t messaged me on Twitter, or emailed, or called one of my assistants, for me to have this role? Who better to play a filthy rich super hero than me? I myself am a filthy rich super hero. I saved rap music. I am now ready to save movies. Make me your Batman, and I promise you this movie will make one trillion dollars.
Hollywood doesn’t like black people. Who was the last black superhero in your movies? Hancock? Will Smith is the worst rapper in the history of all time. Why are we never the big heroes like Iron Man, or Superman? You’re telling me you’d rather have some old white dude who was in Ally McBeal star as Iron Man over a young, fit, brilliant, ultra-talented black dude like Kanye West? That’s dumb as shit. Need I remind you that Ryan Gosling got eyes too close to his nose? Motherf*cker starred in a movie about notebooks.
Look, it’s easy. I’m going to let you cast me as Batman. Obviously, I don’t need to audition so let’s get this shit going. We can use my newest album Yeezus, which is in stores now, as the soundtrack for the film. In fact, we can use Yeezus as the soundtrack to every film ever made. My music is versatile like that. I remember two nights ago I was watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants cuddling up with my one true love, myself, and I started rapping “New Slave” over that scene where Lena finds out Kostas got married after she dumped him. Shit was powerful.
Overall, rapping and acting are a lot alike. When I rap, I talk fast. Actors talk, but not so fast. So really, acting is just bad rapping. Guess that’s why Will Smith is sooooo good at it. I’ll do the nearly impossible task of making myself suck at rapping, which in turn, will make me a good actor.
Now I am accepting this role as Batman under a few conditions:
1.) Every time Superman tries to talk, Batman interrupts the shit out of him. He’s always going to be like “Ya, hold on Superman, I’m going to let you finish,” but he never does cause he’s Kanye West.
2.) Batman’s new name is Kanye West.
That’s it from me, Hollywood. If you don’t take this extremely generous offer, I will have to take my business elsewhere. Bollywood, probably. That’s Hollywood with a ‘B’, for baller!
[pictures via Getty]
I want more like this!
Follow us on Facebook and get the latest before everyone else.