By this time next Wednesday, Frotcast Ben, Laremy Legel, Matt Lieb, and I, plus a crew from Tall Tale Productions will be on a plane to Chicago, where we’ll be renting an RV, preparing for our mental and geographical descent into the mouth of madness, Cave in Rock, Illinois, site of this and every year’s Gathering of the Juggalos. It’s with no small amount of trepidation that we go, though we have no illusions about being the first outsiders to experience it; far from it. I’ll admit, I had reservations about risking health and sanity to go to an event that had already been adequately covered by others. But Ben’s enthusiasm for the idea was contagious, and anyway, that’s why I keep friends like Ben around in the first place, to talk me out of my better judgment.
I’ll do my best to be your eyes, ears, and nose on the ground, through which you can experience the sights, sounds, and smells of an event that has been at the forefront of FilmDrunkard fascination for many years. The mental and physical health risks will be ours to bear. It’s somewhat unclear at this point how much wifi access a Juggalo pirate encampment provides, but I’ll do my best to provide real-time updates, and of course, a full report on our return. BE AWARE: We are now on the FBI watch list.
What particular madness would you like us to witness? We’ll almost certainly be taking in the comedy stylings of Jim Norton and Charlie Murphy, both in the midnight slot (as a comedian, I can’t imagine a more intimidating place to try to do stand up), and musical anachronisms Vanilla Ice and Onyx (those are just the artists whose CDs…. okay, cassette tapes… I once owned). Of course there are many others (Slaine from The Town, anyone?), and you can help us decide which are coverage worthy.
But for my money, the best bet for pure entertainment are the sideshows. Here’s just a small sampling of the ones that seemed especially noteworthy:
Do you question if this is real… do you even dare take the chance to find out? Who knows you may even find yourself into some deep hypnotic felching action if you volunteer yourself as a human guinea pig.
The Mad Magician: Bomb House
He will captivate you with marvels of magic that will seemingly rip the fabrics of reality until your left a quivering mass of lunacy. As you watch his spectacle of illusion you will begin to question the world as you know it. Birds will appear to shit on your head, blood will spray in your eyes as he saws people in half, someone will float in the air (and they may also shit on your head), and your very nut sack may vanish into thin air!
Ladies of Oil Wrestling
What could be better than watching provocative, bikini clad oiled women sliding around on an inflatable surface as they pummel the shit out of each other? The super fine girls of SlickChix are back as they continue their search for the sexiest Chix in America tour with women straight from the pages of their national magazine. They will grind, rub, toss, claw, flash, and massage their opponents into submission as they give your optic sockets all that they desire.
Wet T-Shirt Contest
Who doesn’t love a pair of big Faygo soaked titties all glistening and bouncing in the afternoon sun? Come see what you had always hoped and fantasized about in your wildest wet dreams as Juggalettes have ample amounts of cold pop poured upon their ample breasts. The best part of it all is you get to decide who wins as the girls are brought before the crowd with the winner being decided by applause.
2 Tuff Tony’s Fishing Tournament (self-explanatory, though I liked the name)
Faygo Launching Contest
Faygo bottles soaring into the stratosphere and beyond. This is a competition that will truly win the hearts of Juggalos everywhere. See if you can be the one to launch a Faygo bottle the furthest using any technique you wish (finger rocket, field goal kick, ground bounce carbonation explosion etc.)
Oh, man. I don’t want to jinx it with too-high expectations, but I’m really excited for Hypno-Harry. And if any FilmDrunkards are planning to be in attendance, I have two vintage-recipe cans of Lemonade Four Loko to give away, plus some FilmDrunk shirts in men’s medium (insert your own fat joke here). As Burnsy never tires of telling me, I’ll be the one who looks like a non-basketball sized Luke Walton.
I’m terrified. I can’t wait. RIP, Ass Dan.
Here’s the full schedule – anything jump out at you?
I want more like this!
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