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The Adventures of Southie Batman, Episode 1

By 08.26.13

Southie-Batman-batcave

The concept of Southie Batman was birthed right here in the FilmDrunk comments section, and it was just too good not to run with. So run with it we did. By myself and the commenter known as Chareth Cutestory.

[interior, opulent bedroom, a soft rap at the door]

ALFRED

Mr. Wayne?

[Lamp smashes against door]

BRUCE

WHAT THE FACK, ALFRED, I’M FACKIN SLEEPIN. DON’T YOU EVAH KNAWCK?

ALFRED

…I did knock, sir. Apologies.

BRUCE

What the fack evah. …Fack me sideways, this hangovah. Anyway, whaddya want?

ALFRED

Breakfast for you, sir. Once you and your… -ahem- guest are presentable, of course.

BRUCE

OH FACK YOU. CHAHLENE IS COOL.

DENISE

My name’s Denise.

BRUCE

Whatevah. You want some flapjacks oah nawt?

ALFRED

Actually, sir, I’ve prepared poached eggs and gravlax.

BRUCE

THE FACK YOU JUST SAY TA ME?

[grabs for now missing lamp, tumbles to floor]

[Bruce Wayne, walking down stairs in Bruins sweater, briefs, and athletic socks, Denise in tow]

[Bruce walks into the Wayne Manor dining hall to see a freckled girl with a black eye and a feather earring already sitting at the table]

BRUCE

OH LAWD JESUS FACK! ALFRED, WHAT THE FACK IS MARY-ALICE DOIN HEAH?

MARY-ALICE WAYNE

NICE TA SEE YOU TOO, CAWKSUCKAH!

ALFRED

It seems your cousin was involved in some sort of “domestic dispute” and came to sleep here last night, Mr. Wayne.

MARY-ALICE

Rawbby caught me stealin’ awxy out of his dressah and give me and knuckle sangwich. It’s only fa ra few days. I still love the cawksuckah, though, lawd help us.

…Who’s this hookah?

BRUCE

YOU WATCH YOAH SMAHT MOUTH AROUND CHAHLENE!

DENISE

My name is Denise.

BRUCE

Whatevah. Alfred, flip on Spawtscentah.

[a voice from upstairs]

VOICE

Hey, where’s my fackin’ flapjacks?

BRUCE

YOU MEAN YOAH FACKIN FLAPJACKS THAT I FACKIN PAY FA, YOU FREELOADIN FACK?

VOICE

…C’mon, I’m hungry. Why you bein’ such a hahd on?

BRUCE

YA BEEN HEAH FOAH MONTHS, DAWNNY! YOU HAVEN’T PAID FA TWO FAHTS SINCE YA GAWT HEAH.

DAWNNY

Nevah woulda come in the first place if I’d a known I’d hafta take this kinda abuse. …Can I have my flapjacks now, mistah big shawt? Pretty please?

BRUCE

YOU WANT YOAH FLAPJACKS, HEAH’S YA FACKIN FLAPJACKS!

[Bruce hurls plate of food towards upstairs bedroom, it smashes on the wall]

DAWNNY

…Yeah, nice one, tough guy. I’m shuwah everyone heah’s real fackin’ impressed. Suh Lawrence a Fackin Liveeyay ovah heah.

[Dawnny quietly picks gravlax off the floor. He pops one into his mouth, shrugs, and walks back inside room.]

BRUCE

I sweyah ta gawd.

[Bruce takes a bite of his breakfast, immediately spits it out]

BRUCE

ALFRED, WHAT THE FACK, THESE FLAPJACKS TASTE LIKE TWAT.

ALFRED

They’re gravlax, sir. Cured fish.

BRUCE

Oh fa fack’s sake, Alfred. Tryna kill me feedin’ me fackin’ dawlphin food.

I’m gonna go buy me an’ Chahlene some Wahlbergahs.

DENISE

My name’s–

BRUCE

DAWNNY! WHEYAH’D YOU PUT MY FACKIN’ CAH KEYS?

ALFRED

Ahem, speaking of the Batmobile, Sir. Commissioner Gordon rang for you. Apparently you crashed through the walls of Arkham Asylum last night.

BRUCE

YOU TRY TO PARALLEL PAHK A FACKIN RAWKIT CAH WHILE LOADED. AWL THOSE FACKIN’ LEVAHS.

ALFRED

[sigh] Well apparently the Riddler and his goons escaped.”

BRUCE

NO. FACK THAT. PATS GAWT A PRESEASON GAME TONIGHT AND I GAWTTA SEE IF TAWM BRADY IS STILL LIMPING AROUND LIKE FACKIN JERRY’S KIDS.

ALFRED

But–

BRUCE

I AM NAWT LOSING TO RAWBIN IN FANTASY AGAIN THIS SEASON. I GAWTTA DRAFT SMAHTAH.

ALFRED

…Sir.

BRUCE

AWRIGHT, FINE. I’LL DO IT. BUNCHA FACKIN BABIES IN THIS TOWN.

[Bruce Wayne pulls candlestick on wall, Denise plummets through trap door]

BRUCE

Wait, which one a these opens my clawset?

ALFRED

None of them, Sir. Your closet is a walk in. You simply…walk into it.

BRUCE

THEY TEACH YOU THAT AT BUTLAH SCHOOL, SMAHT GUY?

[Bruce walks in his closet, comes out a few minutes later in the bat suit]

MARY-ALICE

…What’s with the little hoans?

BRUCE

THEYAH NAWT HOANS, YOU TWAT, THEYAH FACKIN EAHS.

MARY-ALICE

Why do the bat eahs look like hoans?

BRUCE

THEY JUST FACKIN DO, AWRIGHT? It’s paht a my suit. It’s fa rintimidation. I break into the bad guys weyahhouse, jump down from the ceilin wit my pointy fackin eahs, and everyone pisses theyah shawts.

MARY-ALICE

Shouldn’t it at least have Grawnk’s numbah awn the back, instead a the queah shawl?

BRUCE

IT’S A CAPE, MARY-ALICE. IT’S A FACKIN TACTICAL CAPE.

MARY-ALICE

Fa what?

BRUCE

FA WHEN I WANNA …I DUNNO… SWOOP AROUND AND SHIT.

MARY-ALICE

…The fack?

BRUCE

JUST GET OUTTA MY ROOM, I GAWT FACKIN’ CRIMES TA SAWLVE.

[frantically pulling at candle sticks]

[scene]


TAGSBEN AFFLECKFAN FICTIONSOUTHIE BATMANSuperman vs. Batman

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