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Weekend Movie Guide: Matt Damon’s A Tough Robot Guy In ‘Elysium’

By 08.09.13
"Kind of looks like a penis, bro."

“Kind of looks like a penis, bro.”


Opening Everywhere: Elysium, Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters, We’re the Millers, Planes

FilmDrunk Suggests: Before Vince left for the Gathering of the Juggalos – where he has already contracted syphilis – he told me that he was very upset that he couldn’t finish his review for Planes, but he said that it is “the single greatest movie that he’s ever seen” and “Dane Cook is the most important actor of this or any generation. I love his comedy and aspire to be like him, from his clothing to his hilarious observations on the differences between men and women.”

Please, you call those abs?

Please, you call those abs?


Elysium

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 66% critics, 77% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“If Elysium is an example of how recession-era Hollywood intends to dramatize the rift between the haves and the have-nots, let’s hope the studios don’t also bring back Smell-O-Rama.” – Peter Rainer, Christian Science Monitor

“A cautionary tale about the dangers of squandering resources that wastes its own talent.” – Adam Nayman, Globe and Mail

Armchair Analysis: I’m excited to see this one, but not because it looks good or seems like it might have an important political message. It’s because I’m currently working on the screenplay for National Lampoon’s Spring Break in Uranus, and I’m curious to see how they handle girls with no bras in zero gravity in Elysium. I mean, that has to be addressed, right?

The son of Poseidon should dress like it.

The son of Poseidon should dress like it.


Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 34% critics, 77% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Precious little about this is particularly memorable, but it’s the odd touch of local color that makes these routine acts of derring-do a bit easier to bear.” – My good friend William Goss, Film.com

“You might think it would be endlessly awesome being the offspring of an Olympian god, but it seems like kind of a drag, really, for young Percy Jackson.” – Bruce Ingram, Chicago Sun-Times

Armchair Analysis: I don’t get how these movies are bad. How is it possible that nobody can ever make good movies involving Greek mythology? The stories are endless and full of entertainment value, but between this and the Clash of the Titans remake, is just whiff after whiff. Hell, Clash and Wrath of the Titans had Gemma Arterton and Rosamund Pike, respectively, and they were both duds. Hell, the only good portrayal of Zeus in a movie was No Holds Barred.

Jennifer Aniston Stripper

We’re the Millers

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 41% critics, 78% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“A movie written by a committee, too long, but the cast carries it a long way, these mild virtues don’t quite add up to a recommendation, but if you said you wanted to see it I wouldn’t block the door.” – Mick La Salle, San Francisco Chronicle

“The filmmakers lack the courage of their convictions, falling back on moments of egregiously false sentimentality whenever the material threatens to turn dark.” – Ben Sachs, Chicago Reader

Armchair Analysis: Sometimes there are actors who just bother the hell out of me and they ruin the prospect of an entire movie before I even have the chance to decide if I want to see it, and in this case it’s the “son” in We’re the Millers. Every time I see a commercial for this movie, which is like every five minutes, and I hear him say, “I can’t feel my bingo” it’s like someone just flicked my ear.

Planes

Planes

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 25% critics, 68% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Strictly by the numbers, from the believe-in-yourself moral to the purely predictable ending.” – Stephen Whitty, Newark Star-Ledger

“It’s engaging enough, driving home the familiar message of following one’s dreams and the less hackneyed theme of facing one’s fears. But it feels far too familiar.” – Neil Genzlinger, New York Times

Armchair Analysis: Hey parents, why not give your kids a nice book to read this weekend?


TAGSELYSIUMPERCY JACKSON: SEA OF MONSTERSPLANESWE'RE THE MILLERSWEEKEND MOVIE GUIDE

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