I can’t believe Homefront is a real movie, because it plays like some FilmDrunk fan-fiction fever dream. Jason Statham plays the Arnold Schwarzenegger-in-Commando character, complete with the opening scene of the retired badass riding horses with his daughter. But who’s going to bring him out of retirement? A fat Australian in a chainmail shirt? Nope, not this time. This time around, the nemesis is none other than James Dicknose Franco, going full Deliverance as Will Ferrell’s character in The Other Guys. Okay, not really, but his character’s name is “Gator.” Gator don’t play no shit! Also he’s married to the girl from Blue Crush, so basically, this is going to be great.
Oi, conts. It’s da Stafe ‘eah. Oy ‘as come to dis smaw town fa moy reteoiyahment, ain oy. Oy ‘as realoized dat loife ain aw about knobbin fit birds an’ droivin flash sazz wagons an doin fousands of push ups evry mornin to keep my chest wew chisewed. Comes a toime in evry puntah’s loife when ‘e as gotta settew down an staht takin’ da daughtah ‘e soired wiv a now-deceased Ukranian prosty out ‘orseback roidin’. An’ a bloke can’ exactly roide bloody ‘orses in foggy focken London town, now can Oy, Tommy. Dat’s whoy me an da whippah snappah ‘as moved aw da way out into dis backwatah swamp full uv toofless sociopavs, innit. Wut could possibly go wrong? Oy’s even been practicin moy new accent, ‘asn’ Oy.
Oi, ‘ello there, Pilgrim. Oy’m just a regulerr Aymerican celebratin’ this foine Sunday avvie, aren’t I. What say you come overr to moy trailerr and help me bar-be-queue this hee-err possum? Yee haw, Oy reckon we’ll have ourrrselves a rootin-tootin pistol-shootin good time, eh, Mate?
Pretty good, roight? Oo knew dat Da Stafe wiz such a bloody actah. Oy discovah new talents evry focken day, donnoy, Tommy.
