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Southie Batman: Episode 2

By 09.17.13

Southie-Batman-batcave

NOTE: This episode picks up where Episode 1 left off.

Racing from the Bat Cave, the Batmobile’s path is blocked by traffic at the end of Wayne Manor’s driveway.

BATMAN

The fack?

Blares custom “Sweet Caroline” car horn: BAH BAH BAHHHHHHHHH

Donny appears on the monitor in the Batmobile dash

DONNY

Hey, Bruce, while ya rout theah, could you check ta see if the mail was delivahed? I’m waiting awn this month’s Hustlah. I heah that one brawd from American Pickahs is the centahfold. That skank who found that vintage awm-wah?

BATMAN

I DON’T HAVE TIME FA THIS, DAWNNY. And how many times I gawta tell you? It’s “Batman” when I’m in the mask. The city a Gawtham can nevah know my secret identity, ya loose-lipped fack. The bannah of the Dahk Knight is biggah than any one man, like the Pats.

DONNY

Fine, fine, quit ya growlin’. Ya secret’s safe with me. Give me a little fackin’ credit. Did I tell anyone about the time I cawght you gettin’ a handjawb from Lazy Eyes Laura Riley behind the 7-11 dumpstah?

Bruce’s cousin Mary-Alice cackles in the background.

MARY-ALICE

Haaa, Laura Riley, you debawcherous fack!

DONNY

Hahahaha

MARY-ALICEHahahaha

BATMAN

YOAH ONE TA TALK, PILL PUSHAH! CAWL ME WHEN YOU SLEEP AT YA ROWN HOUSE!

DONNY

Go back downstayuhs, Mary-Alice! …Sawrry, Bruce. I mean Batman. So, d’you get my Hustlah?

BATMAN

It’s nawt my tawp concern right now, Dawnny! I’m stuck in this fackin’ Sawks-Yanks traffic while the Ridlah runs amok.

DONNY

…You didn’t heah?

BATMAN

Heah what?

DONNY

Supahman awready took cayuh of that quizzical fack.

BATMAN

You gawtta be shittin’ me! I only made it down my fackin’ driveway.

[hangs up on Donny]

BATMAN

Hey computah, cawl Clahk Kent.

[The Batmobile's on-board computer responds, in a female voice, with a light British accent]

ON-BOARD COMPUTER

I’m sorry, I could not understand you.

BATMAN

Cawl. Clahk. Kent. You. Fackin. Fack.

[dialing]

CLARK KENT

Daily Planet, this is Clark Ke-

BATMAN

YOU STEPPIN AWN MY TERRITAWRY, YOU CAPED QUEAH? The Ridlah was mine!

CLARK KENT

[Sigh] Bruce, can this wait? I’m on a deadline and I have a date with Lois.

BATMAN

That twat? Bawlin’ her must be like th-

CLARK KENT

Throwing a batarang down the bat cave, yes I know.

BATMAN

Whatevah. Wheah’s the Ridlah now?

CLARK KENT

Back in Arkham. Where he belongs. Assuming you don’t bust him out again.

BATMAN

THE ONLY THING I’M GONNA BUST IS A NUT AWL OVAH THE SMAWL OF LOIS’S LOWAH BACK.

CLARK KENT

[click]

BATMAN

Hello? Fack it. Computah, let’s go home. Which one of these levahs is reverse?

ON-BOARD COMPUTER

I’m sorry, I could not understand you.

BATMAN

This fackin’ thing. I sweah ta gawd I’m gonna drive this limey caah straight up Lucius Fawx’s freckled cawnhole one day. Fack it, I’ll do it myself.

[Pulls lever and launches missile far into the horizon, where it collides with a freshly reconstructed Arkham Asylum]

BATMAN

Gawd. Dammit.

[Scene]

ADDITIONAL NOTE: I figured we’d get to Episode 2 of Southie Batman eventually, and I was content to release it in small chunks, but before I knew it, the commenter known only as Chareth Cutestory had basically finished the whole thing and emailed it me. I say that to explain that the vast majority of this was his work.

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TOPICS#BATMAN VS SUPERMAN
TAGSCHARETH CUTESTORYSOUTHIE BATMAN

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