Fat Christian Bale & the new American Hustle posters make my pants tight

By 10.03.13

american hustle poster amy adams

It’s already well-established that the trailer for David O. Russel’s American Hustle melted my face off and kicked my balls in, but now we have five new American Hustle posters for each character, including one starring my new favorite actor, Fat Christian Bale, at which to aim our boners. He’s skinny, he’s fat, he’s buff, he’s growly – that dude is so method, you guys.

There’s just a lot to love here. Christian Bale’s gut and combover, Bradley Cooper’s curler curls (NOT a perm, as we’ve established), Amy Adams’ rockin’ cleavage, Jeremy Renner’s Phil Simms hair and pinky ring, and Jennifer Lawrence’s…. everything. I hate to curse it with high expectations, but if this movie doesn’t change life as we know it I will be throwing the most embarrassing of hissy fits.

american hustle poster bradley cooper

Quick! How many chest hairs? I counted 873.

american hustle poster christian bale

Only a mega-pretty boy actor could grow a gut that big without the shape of his face changing at all.

He plays “Irving Rosenfeld.” Haha, yeah right.

american hustle poster jennifer lawrence

That sound you hear? It’s me biting my knuckle.

american hustle poster jeremy renner

I can practically smell the polyester and stale cigarettes.

American Hustle opens Christmas Day. Happy birthday, Jesus, hope you like Vince’s boner.

[posters via Moviefone and HuffingtonPost]

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