While we hoped that the demise of the terrible idea that was a Stretch Armstrong movie (starring Taylor Lautner or not) was the beginning of the end of the toy franchise films, common sense dictates that as long as Transformers and Battleship films exist, people will waste millions on screenplays and set design for Slinkys and Hungry Hungry Hippos. Add to that the fact that Fast & Furious movies are still earning hundreds of millions and Need for Speed will capitalize on post-Breaking Bad Aaron Paul demand, and it shouldn’t shock anyone that a Hot Wheels movie is still in the works.
Now, the Hollywood Reporter is, um, reporting, that Legendary Pictures has found its director for the Hot Wheels film in Simon Crane, who was the second-unit director on World War Z and is making his directorial debut with the spy thriller Echelon. As for the story? Hold on to your Underoos.
The story centers on a washed-up Illinois State Trooper who, after a dangerous military device falls into the hands of a criminal, fights the man his father once put behind bars.
Ah, I can see it now…
Hardened Cliché of a Criminal: “You’ll never catch me, you washed up state trooper!”
Washed Up State Trooper: “I’m getting too old for this sh…”
A voice from the police radio interrupts.
Grizzled FBI Agent Running This Investigation Now: “Listen up, state trooper. You’re too washed up for this, so we’re going to nuke the entire state.”
The washed up state trooper eyes something in the distance.
Washed Up State Trooper: “Damn it, FBI agent, there are innocent lives at stake. Besides, he’s heading right for the loop de loop, and you know I’m the only one who can drive his classic Trans Am through that.”
Washed Up State Trooper’s Hot Model Ex-Wife’s Precocious Kid: “You can do it, dad!”
Washed Up State Trooper: “All right, villain who probably killed my dad, let’s see what you’ve got.”
The two cars race to the loop de loop, but the villain’s car only makes it halfway up and then falls to the ground, because the loop de loop wasn’t assembled properly.
The end.