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Weekend Movie Guide: Finally, No More ‘Machete Kills’ Clips

By 10.11.13
Lady Gaga can now go back to trying too hard for music fans.

Lady Gaga can now go back to trying too hard for music fans.

Opening Everywhere: Machete Kills, Captain Phillips

Opening Somewhere: All the Boys Love Mandy Lane, Romeo and Juliet, Haunt

FilmDrunk Suggests: Just go see Machete Kills. I know it may not be everyone’s cup o’ tea and it’s way too over the top and nonsensical to even be cute anymore, and most of us would rather give money to Nickelback than Charlie Sheen, but they’ve tried so damn hard to shove this down our throats. Just give in.

Mel Gibson Machete Kills

Machete Kills

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 29% critics, 65% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

When a celebrity chef like Rodriguez is just going through the motions, we can smell that the grindhouse fad is way past its expiration date. It’s time to put a fork in it. – Joe Williams, St. Louis Post-Dispatch

“Machete Kills” is barely a movie. It’s an inside joke wrapped in a fanboy fantasy, pieced together through a haze of ironic detachment. – Adam Graham, Detroit News

Armchair Analysis: This was a movie that I was moderately interested in seeing because the first one was okay. But this ridiculous marketing push with new clips and whatnot every other day? Honestly, it’s sad. It’s like a guy begging for sex.

Captain Phillips

Captain Phillips

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 94% critics, 90% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

This is acting of the highest order in a movie that raises the bar on what a true-life action thriller can do. – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

It’s some of the most powerful acting Hanks has ever done. – Peter Rainer, Christian Science Monitor

Armchair Analysis: I wish I could have been there to see Chet Haze watch this movie with Tom Hanks, because you know he was like, “YO POPS, U DA GREATEST N SHIT BUT I WOULD B LIKE FUCK U PIRATE BITCHEZ AND POP! POP! POP! WIT MY GAT, YO!” And then Tom would quietly explain that it’s a movie and Chet would be like, “Whateva, u triflin hatin beeyotch. U AIN’T OWN ME!”

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 39% critics, 34% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

There’s a slightly nasty twist to some of the violence, with an air of school shooter menace ultimately creeping in as the group’s tormentor is revealed. – Nicolas Rapold, New York Times

Despite moments of black comedy and some memorable images, this ‘debut’ doesn’t offer a lot to love. – Peter Keough, Boston Globe

Armchair Analysis: I heard this was terrible. That’s all I’ve got.

Romeo and Juliet

Romeo and Juliet

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 22% critics, 65% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

The grown-ups outshine the kids in this handsome, romantically anemic rendering of Shakespeare’s perennial. – Todd McCarthy, Hollywood Reporter

Here’s betting the new film version of Romeo and Juliet probably won’t inspire a new generation’s passion for Shakespeare. – Liam Lacey, Globe and Mail

Armchair Analysis: Seriously? We’re still doing this “It’s Shakespeare’s classic reimagined for a new audience!” bullshit routine? I hope that he’s the first one out of the grave when the zombie apocalypse begins, and he goes straight to Hollywood. Wait, no. There’s be nothing for him to eat there.



Armchair Analysis: I’m not even going with the standard review quotes or whatever, mainly because there are none. Always a good sign, right? Well check out the synopsis:

A family that moves into a home with a dark past…

Nope, not even going to finish. Something this unoriginal doesn’t even deserve what I’ve already given it.


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