My nephew from another brother, Morton Salt, is currently producing his one-man stage show about the life of his dentist, so he has once again left me to fill in for this week’s guide to DVD and streaming. And it’s a shame that I didn’t have the time to do it last week, because I could have told everyone all about how awesome The Hangover Pt. III and After Earth were before covering my face with my hands to stifle my laughter.
But hopefully you were wise enough to grab a copy of The Purge on your own last week when it was released on DVD and Blu Ray, because that was the second unintentionally funniest movie I watched this year behind White House Down, which is still one of the greatest movies ever made. That said, your choices are much better this week.
New on DVD and Blu Ray: The Heat, Pacific Rim, Maniac, The Colony, A Hijacking, Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain, ThanksKilling 3, Embrace of the Vampire, Dirty Wars, Plush
Streaming: Room 237, Hammer of the Gods, Escape From Planet Earth
But the question remains – should you watch any of these movies? Yes. Now find out which movies are for you through my incredible scientific breakdown.
Starring: Sandra Bullock, Melissa McCarthy
Uptight FBI Special Agent Sarah Ashburn (Sandra Bullock) and foul-mouthed Boston cop Shannon Mullins (Melissa McCarthy) couldn’t be more incompatible. But when they join forces to bring down a ruthless drug lord, they become the last thing anyone expected: buddies. From Paul Feig, director of “Bridesmaids.”
Should You Watch It? Absolutely. This movie was surprisingly hilarious, considering it starred two women. I mean, women being funny? Without even a single joke about burning dinner? This was a very risky move that paid off. Kudos to the men who wrote, directed and produced it for giving these unknown actresses a shot.
Starring: Jax Teller, Clay Morrow, Stringer Bell, Charlie Kelly
When legions of monstrous creatures, known as Kaiju, started rising from the sea, a war began that would take millions of lives and consume humanity’s resources for years on end. To combat the giant Kaiju, a special type of weapon was devised: massive robots, called Jaegers, which are controlled simultaneously by two pilots whose minds are locked in a neural bridge. But even the Jaegers are proving nearly defenseless in the face of the relentless Kaiju. On the verge of defeat, the forces defending mankind have no choice but to turn to two unlikely heroes-a washed up former pilot (Charlie Hunnam) and an untested trainee (Rinko Kikuchi)-who are teamed to drive a legendary but seemingly obsolete Jaeger from the past. Together, they stand as mankind’s last hope against the mounting apocalypse.
Should You Watch It? I thoroughly enjoyed it. Vince? Not as much. But it’s definitely the perfect movie for a night on the couch with an affordable escort and a bottle of codeine. What? I’m not condoning that, I just know our readers.
Starring: Elijah Wood, Nora Amezeder
Just when the streets seemed safe, a serial killer with a fetish for scalps is back and on the hunt. Frank (Elijah Wood) is the withdrawn owner of a mannequin store, but his life changes when young artist Anna (Nora Arnezeder) appears asking for his help with her new exhibition. As their friendship develops and Frank’s obsession escalates, it becomes clear that she has unleashed a long-repressed compulsion to stalk and kill. A 21st century Jack the Ripper set in present day LA, Franck Khalfoun’s Maniac is a re-boot of the William Lustig cult film considered by many to be the most suspenseful slasher movie ever made – an intimate, visually daring, psychologically complex and profoundly horrific trip into the downward spiraling nightmare of a killer and his victims.
Should You Watch It? When I first read about this film several months ago, I rolled my eyes and made a wanking motion and the judge was like, “Excuse me, sir!” But for some reason it sounds a lot more interesting now. Funny how the mind can change.
Starring: Montana Fishburne’s dad, the kid from Air Bud, Chet from Weird Science
Forced underground by the next ice age, a struggling outpost of survivors fight to preserve humanity against a threat even more savage than nature.
Should You Watch It? Not really. Not unless you have a box of Choco Tacos and you want to deliciously pretend you’re experiencing the next ice age, too.
Starring: Amalie Ihle Alstrup, Johan Philip Asbæk
The cargo ship MV Rozen is heading for harbour when it is hijacked by Somali pirates in the Indian Ocean. Amongst the men on board are the ship’s cook Mikkel (Pilou Asbæk) and the engineer Jan (Roland Møller), who along with the rest of the seamen are taken hostage in a cynical game of life and death. With the demand for a ransom of millions of dollars a psychological drama unfolds between the CEO of the shipping company (Søren Malling) and the Somali pirates.
Should You Watch It? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, seamen.
Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain
Starring: Kevin Hart (DUH)
From Summit Entertainment, KEVIN HART: LET ME EXPLAIN captures the laughter, energy and mayhem from Hart’s 2012 “Let Me Explain” concert tour, which spanned 10 countries and 80 cities, and generated over $32 million in ticket sales.
Should You Watch It? I enjoy Kevin Hart the actor, but not Kevin Hart the comedian. Does that make me a hater? I’m not sure I feel comfortable having this conversation.
Starring: Daniel Usaj, Joe Hartzler
In ThanksKilling 3, the fowl-mouthed villain Turkie is back and hacking his way to find the last copy of ThanksKilling 2 which has landed in the hands of a group of disturbingly crude puppets. The death toll rises as Turkie carves through the likes of Flowis the rapping grandma, Rhonda the bisexual space worm, Yomi the puppet in search of her mind, and their equally ridiculous friends who all travel through fantastical settings such as the FeatherWorld and Turkey Hell. With the guidance of Uncle Donny (Dan Usaj), the wig-wearing inventor of the PluckMaster 3000, Jefferson (Joe Hartzler), Head of Security at ThanksgivingLand, and a WiseTurkey, the gatekeeper to the FeatherWorld, our collection of raunchy characters hope to fend off the murderous rampage of Turkie, all while trying to help Yomi find her mind.
Should You Watch It? That is one of the most f*cked up movie synopses I have ever read.
Embrace of the Vampire
Starring: Sharon Hinnendael, Kaniehtiio Horn
EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE (2013) stars Sharon Hinnendael as Charlotte, a timid and sheltered teen who has just left an all-girls Catholic school for a new life at a co-ed university. But an ancient evil has followed her here, tormenting her with disturbing nightmares and tempting her with forbidden desires. It is a hunger that can only be satiated by sensual pleasures of the flesh…and a thirst for blood. It’s a battle for her soul… and one she’s losing. But Charlotte is a fighter. The chaos and torment threatens to unleash her own inner beast, and anyone even close to her may find themselves embracing their own horrific fate.
Should You Watch It? YOU HAD ME AT THAT ENTIRE FIRST SENTENCE! What I don’t know, though, is if this is a remake of the Alyssa Milano film of the same name. That probably doesn’t matter because boobies.
Starring: Jeremy Scahill
Investigative journalist Jeremy Scahill is pulled into an unexpected journey as he chases down the hidden truth behind America’s expanding covert wars.
Should You Watch It? Only if you want to be exposed to the truth. But I don’t think you can handle, you know, factual information.
Starring: Emily Browning, Cam Gigandet
After losing her band mate and brother to a drug overdose, rising rock star Hayley finds herself in a downward spiral. The new album from her band Plush is received as a critical and commercial disaster. She finds new hope and friendship in Enzo, the replacement guitarist who inspires her to reach new creative heights. But soon their collaboration crosses the line and Hayley, who is married with two children, retreats from Enzo’s advances. As Hayley slowly discovers Enzo’s dark and troubled history, she realizes she may have let a madman into her home and that her mistake may cost the lives of people closest to her.
Should You Watch It? And give Cam Gigandet any more money or fame? HELLLLLLL NO.
Starring: Bill Blakemore, Geoffrey Cocks
Many movies lend themselves to dramatic interpretations, but none as rich and far ranging as Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining. In LA filmmaker Rodney Ascher’s ROOM 237, we hear from people who have developed far-reaching theories and believe they have decoded the hidden symbols and messages buried in the late director’s film. Carefully examining The Shining inside out, and forwards and backwards, ROOM 237 is equal parts captivating, provocative and pure pleasure. It gives voice to the fans and scholars who espouse these theories, reworking the film to match their ideas and intercutting it with layers of dreamlike imagery to illustrate their streams of consciousness. Sometimes outrageous, always engaging, the words of the interviewees are given full force by Ascher’s compelling vision.
Should You Watch It? Yep. [Vince's Note: This is one of the dullest, most asinine movies I've ever tried to watch only to fall sound asleep ten minutes later.]
Hammer of the Gods
Starring: Charlie Bewley, Elliot Cowan
Set in Viking Britain in 871 AD, Hammer of the Gods is a visceral, intense tale set in a world whose only language is violence. A young Viking warrior, Steinar (Charlie Bewley), is sent by his father the king on a quest to find his estranged brother, who was banished from the kingdom many years before. Steinar’s epic journey across terrifyingly hostile territory gradually sees him emerge as the man his father wants him to be – the ruthless and unforgiving successor to his throne.
Should You Watch It? Only if the ruthless Viking has a jive-talking parakeet named Clevon. That’s sort of a dealbreaker for me.
Escape from Planet Earth
Starring: Brendan Fraser, Rob Corddry
The 3D animated family comedy catapults moviegoers to planet Baab where admired astronaut Scorch Supernova (Brendan Fraser) is a national hero to the blue alien population. A master of daring rescues, Scorch pulls off astonishing feats with the quiet aid of his nerdy, by-the-rules brother, Gary (Rob Corddry), head of mission control at BASA. When BASA’s no-nonsense chief Lena (Jessica Alba) informs the brothers of an SOS from a notoriously dangerous planet, Scorch rejects Gary’s warnings and bounds off for yet another exciting mission. But when Scorch finds himself caught in a fiendish trap set by the evil Shanker (William Shatner) it’s up to scrawny, risk-adverse Gary to do the real rescuing. As the interplanetary stakes rise to new heights, Gary is left to save his brother, his planet, his beloved wife Kira (Sarah Jessica Parker) and their adventure hungry son Kip.
Should You Watch It? Who would ever want to escape from Earth? This sounds like propaganda. I’m not sure who’s behind it, but if the Internet has taught me anything, it’s that everything is propaganda. Including this. EAT TACO BELL.