A farmer in upstate New York thought something fishy was going on with his beef recently, and when he set up a hidden camera to get to the bottom of it, he discovered that two men had been breaking into his barn at night and filming themselves having sex with his cows. Yeesh, these FamersOnly.com commercials are getting really edgy these days.
The farmer says he grew suspicious when his cows stopped producing as much milk and “seemed anxious.” So he set up a hidden camera to see what was going on in the barn when he wasn’t there.
As lurid as the details of this cow porn operation are, I kind of want to know more about this magical dairy farmer who’s full of empathy for his cows. I wonder if he walks around his barn (a barn? really? doesn’t a legit dairy operation have something more sophisticated than “a barn?”) putting his palm on the cows’ necks, trying to understand their feelings. I imagine him wearing that weird hat that Whoopi Goldberg wore when she played Guinan on TNG. “Tell me who hurt you, Betsy.”
Authorities say the cameras showed two men breaking into the barn in the middle of the night with a video camera. 35-year old Michael Jones [right] is accused of running the camera while 31-year old Reid Fontaine [left] performed sex acts with the cows.
The farmer then called the police and turned the surveillance tape over to them. The two would-be pornographers were arrested for misdemeanor sexual misconduct and released. [KRON4]
And this “farmer” just happened to catch them using yet another camera angle? I’m calling bogus on this whole thing. I think what happened was, these guys had the farmer’s permission to come bang his cows, and they were all in on it together. But at some point, Farmer Frank decided he was into humiliation porn instead of bestiality, so he dimed his buddies out to the police to see their mugshots plastered all over the internet accompanied by countless articles calling them cow f*ckers. Hell, I bet he’s in his “barn” right now, watching local news go crazy over this story and tweaking his own nipples while the cows lick salt off his pierced penis. As the old saying goes, it takes more than two to cow porn.
Also, credit where credit’s due, “Reid Fontaine” is a really good cow porn name.