It’s been a few months since I tossed out my last batch of stupid movie pitches, and, somehow, no one from Tinseltown has contacted me about any of them. Not even Clone Heist. I know, I’m shocked, too. I guess that’s Hollywood for ya, always looking a gift horse in the mouth, and sometimes spitting on it while shouting “I DIDN’T EVEN ASK FOR A HORSE. I WANTED AN AUDI” like a spoiled teenager.
But I will not be deterred, so here’s another horse, you jerks. I’ve compiled a list of seven more pitches that are free for the taking. This time we’ve got everything from vampires to free-spending dogs to Jason Statham fighting crime from a hot air balloon. Don’t say I never did anything for you.
And away we go…
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Title: Rocked & Loaded
Ideal Star(s): Channing Tatum, Olivia Wilde
Summary: After noticing that a string of cross-country armored truck robberies match up curiously well with the touring schedule for an indie band named Titanium Octopus, the FBI decides to send in an agent to investigate. Enter Special Agent Trent Hammer (Tatum), the bureau’s top man, who specializes in long-term undercover investigations, having just completed a two-year stretch deep inside the dangerous Beezlebub’s Militia motorcycle gang. Agent Hammer assumes the identity of an online music journalist named Nicholas Corduroy (insert montage set to Sleigh Bells of Agent Hammer getting a new hipster-y wardrobe and a crash-course in indie music, which you can tell he hates because he makes a face when they put the headphones on him), and gets the band to agree to let him tag along on their West Coast swing from San Francisco to San Diego as research for a “story” he’s doing about them.
But there’s a problem. Agent Hammer quickly falls for both the rock and roll lifestyle and the band’s righteous, tattooed lead singer, Veronica Helix (Wilde, with jet-black hair and a leather jacket), who turns out to be the mastermind behind the armored truck robberies. And complicating things even more, after the Los Angeles show, Hammer overhears the band’s drummer and bassist discussing the next score: they’re going to hit two trucks in San Diego the day of the last stop on the tour, play the show that night, then cross the border and keep driving until they get to Brazil. Once there, they plan to adopt new identities, live off their ill-gotten gains, and go down in history as legends thanks to the “story” Hammer/Corduroy will write about them.
Agent Hammer is left with a choice: Does he report the plan to his FBI superiors, or does he tip off Veronica, help her carry out her last score, and flee with her to Brazil to start a new life? He looks out the window of the speeding tour van and sees a sign on the highway that says “Welcome to San Diego.” Time to decide.
Think: Point Break meets Almost Famous with a tiny bit of Airheads thrown in.
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Title: The Balloon Cop
Ideal Star(s): Jason Statham
Summary: A huge team of criminals has put aside their differences and planned the perfect job. They’re going to shut down London’s electrical grid and use the chaos to orchestrate a coordinated strike on over a dozen banks and museums — rerouting funds to offshore accounts and making off with countless works of valuable art — before flipping the power back on. The estimated haul is well into the nine figures. Best of all, between madness spilling into the streets and the lack of power, the police won’t be able to track them effectively on the ground, or get a helicopter in the sky to monitor their movements. It’s the perfect plan.
Except for one thing. Little do they know that retired Scotland Yard detective Nick Viper — who chose to turn in his badge and gun two months earlier rather than be stuck on desk duty after he was framed for police brutality when he got a little too close to catching London mob boss Pete “Sweet Pete” Danish — has decided to follow his dream of becoming a hot air balloon captain, and he’s in the air right now, watching it all go down. He follows the various getaways with his binoculars, and notices that … no, it can’t be. They’re all converging at Sweet Pete’s compound.
He thought he was out. He thought he left that life behind. Turns out he was wrong. Turns out the city needs him now more than ever. Looks like he’s gonna have to land that balloon on Sweet Pete’s roof and take care of business.
Think: Jason Statham in a hot air balloon.
UPDATE: Whooooops. As pointed out below, Human Giant beat me to this idea. But that one didn’t have Statham in it, so I still like mine better.
Title: Bacon & Eggstortion
Ideal Star(s): Andy Samberg, Aziz Ansari, Michael Cera, Natalie Portman, Ray Wise
Summary: Ross, Tyler, and Chad are three slacker culinary school students with dreams of hitting it big. Unfortunately all three of them forgot to file their loan paperwork on time and now are struggling to pay their tuition. One day, during their usual after-dinner weed-smoking session, Tyler (Samberg) comes up with an idea: breakfast delivery. As in, the three of them will start a service that takes breakfast orders the night before, along with a preferred time of delivery, and then delivers the fresh-cooked meals to customers’ doorsteps in the morning before they rush off to class.
The business is a huge success. They start making money hand-over-fist during the fall semester. But they also notice something: By showing up at customers’ homes early in the morning with food, they often get a window into that person’s life: if they’re hungover, if they had a guest stay the night, if that guest was not their spouse or significant other, etc. And they do it mostly invisibly, since no one pays much attention to the lowly delivery man.
Tyler drops some of this hot gossip at the Christmas party thrown by the family of his girlfriend, Amy (Portman), as a way to break the ice. Little does he know that Amy’s father is $80k in debt to notorious crime boss Ron Hemlock (Wise), and ran to tell Ron about this untapped well of potentially valuable information. Ron calls Ross, Tyler, and Chad to his office pretending to be an interested investor, only to lower the boom a few minutes into the meeting: they work for him now. He’ll use his various high-society connections — judges on his payroll, politicians with gambling problems — to get them powerful customers, and in exchange, they’ll get him evidence of dirt that can be used for blackmail.
The guys soon realize they’re in over their heads, as Hemlock begins sending them to the homes of senators and foreign dignitaries. They tell him they’re done, and they’re not turning over the intel. That night they get a call at home: AMY’S BEEN KIDNAPPED. HEMLOCK! They know they can’t go to the police because of their own involvement in the crimes, so they decide to do the only thing they can do: go after her themsleves. But first, they need to make a batch of laxative-filled pancakes to take care of the Hemlock’s guards…
Think: Pineapple Express but with pancakes.
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Title: 100 Shades of Grey
Ideal Star(s): Irrelevant
Summary: It’s like 50 Shades of Grey, but with more shades of grey. So it’s better.
Think: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
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Title: Operation Candy Cane
Ideal Star(s): Harrison Ford (voice), Angela Lansbury (voice), The Rock (voice), Liam Neeson (voice), Vin Diesel (voice), Will Arnett (voice)
Summary: Santa Claus finds out that his slick-talking business manager Chet Stacks (Arnett) is actually a Madoff-style con man who made off with most of his savings. Worst of all, the business manager didn’t file Santa’s taxes for the past seven years, and without any money to settle up with Uncle Sam (turns out Santa is a U.S. citizen for tax purposes), Santa (Ford) is going to lose the North Pole unless he can come up with enough to win it back at an auction that is set for December 23. He falls into a deep depression and he and Mrs. Claus (Lansbury) end up moving back in with his elderly parents at their retirement community in Boca Raton. (Lots of shots of Santa lounging around on a floral print couch while his mom makes cookies, or careening around the grounds in a golf cart while sipping straight from a bottle of Peppermint Schnappes, etc.) All looks lost.
But there is one group who isn’t taking this lying down: his elves. Specifically, his three top elves (voiced by The Rock, Neeson, and Diesel), who decide to track Chet down and get Santa’s money back, by any means necessary. They eventually find him living in an opulent fortress on a private island in the Caribbean that he bought and gained total control of — police, government, military, — thanks to his flim-flam fortune. They’ll need help if they’re gonna pull this off in time to get the North Pole back and save Christmas. It’s already December 20. Less than 72 hours left.
So, they call in everyone from the other elves to make them the weapons and tools they’ll need for a full-on assault, to the reindeer to cover them from the air and to fly them over the fortress’s walls so they can parachute in. They’ve got almost everything covered. The only problem is that there’s just one way into Stacks’s vault with the password — down a long narrow ventilation chute — and there’s only one man who can pull that off. A man with experience. A man who can zip up and down confined spaces like this by simply tapping his nose. They need Santa.
(CUT TO: The elves find Santa passed out drunk under his mother’s orange tree in the front yard. It is noon. The elves look at each other nervously. Santa belches. Loud.)
Better put on a pot of coffee.
Think: A more festive Bad Boys II.
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Title: Junkyard Dogs
Ideal Star(s): Matthew McConauhey (voice), Salma Hayek (voice), Seth Rogen (voice), Henry Rollins (voice), Henry Winkler (voice)
Summary: Career criminal Mickey Cannon (Rollins) just made off with $5 million in cash after robbing a riverboat casino. Unfortunately for him, the police are hot on his tail, chasing him through the streets of St. Louis. He realizes he’ll never escape, so he decides to zip into a local junkyard to hide the money before turning himself in.
The next morning, the junkyard’s three guard dogs (McConaughey, Hayek, Rogen) stumble across the money. IT’S THEIR LUCKY DAY. The dogs start living it up with the stolen loot, which confuses the heck out of the junkyard’s owner, a sad sack schlub named Gus (Winkler) whose money troubles seem to have mysteriously vanished as well.
But there’s a problem: Mickey’s out on bail, and he’s looking for his money. He knows those dogs are up to something. And the cops are starting to ask some questions, too. What will the junkyard dogs do?
Think: Blank Check with dogs.
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Title: Justice Prevails
Ideal Star(s): Rachel McAdams, Nicolas Cage
Summary: Penelope Justice (McAdams) is a new prosecutor in the Savannah District Attorney’s office. She graduated near the top of her class at Georgia Law School and just passed the bar a few weeks ago. She is ambitious, and hungry, and has her eyes set on much bigger things down the line. Mayor, governor, judge… heck, President Penelope Justice has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? But everyone needs to start someone, so when her boss hands her a pretty simple DUI as her first case, she doesn’t complain. Turns out some guy named Victor Dracolli (Nicolas Cage, in all his long-haired, open-collared glory) had one too many scotches before hopping in his Cadillac.
When she starts to look into Victor, however, she notices something strange: he doesn’t appear to have a record. Like, any record. Of him even existing. She calls Victor to try to get to the bottom of things, but he tells her he’s very busy during the day, and asks her to swing by at night. He’s having a party. He thinks she’ll like it.
The party is … odd. Tons of young, sexy people — none of whom she’s ever seen before, despite growing up in Savannah — dressed in black, writhing around to techno music. When she finally meets Victor, he’s very interested in her, and not very interested in the case. He seems so knowledgeable, so worldly, and yet, he continues to dodge questions about his past, only saying “It will become clear soon enough.” (But saying it, like, very Nicolas Cage-ily.) Days pass. Weeks. Victor keeps calling her. There’s something strange about him.
What is Victor’s deal? Why will he only meet at night? How does he know so much about history, and why does he always talk about it like he was there? And why, when Penelope asked him if he was married, did he look deep into her eyes and say “I’ve been waiting for the one with whom I’m destined to spend eternity”? That was weird. And that name, Dracolli, it sounds so familiar…
Penelope has a lot to think about.
Think:: The Devil’s Advocate meets Blade.
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