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Remember ‘Expendables’? Well ‘ExpendaBelles’ Is Coming, In Real Life

By / 02.06.14
Woke up quick, at about noon, just felt like I had to be in my island lair soon.

Woke up quick, at about noon, just felt like I had to be in my island lair soon.


I can’t take credit for this story, I read about it here, and Vince mentioned it too, but basically the skinny is that they are doing female-led Expendables crossover from the original Stallone beefy treat, and it will be called The ExpendaBelles. Or you know, a living nightmarescape.

The synopsis, which I will now break down, is as follows:

When America’s Navy SEALs are wiped out trying to penetrate the island lair of a deadly despot …
Wait, all the SEALs? There are like 2,500 of them. And what about Marine Recon? Or SAS? Or Green Berets? Or The Delta Force? Or the new Cubs Mascot? You’ve already lost me, I hate you.

who has captured one of the world’s top nuclear scientists
Ugh, I forgot to rip on the “island lair” part from before. Which island? I’d pick Japan. Pretty nice there. Also, “Belles” wouldn’t be the feminine version of “Expendable” anyway. Expendable is gender-neutral. Anyone can be expendable. This movie should have be called the Shexpendables. That’s just math. No one trademark that before I can afford the URL!

it becomes clear there is no such thing as the right man for the job
Before you jump in to defend any of this, remember, people are being paid actual US dollars to write things like this. You know how you go off to your job and make money? They do that too, only it’s way more money, and they are pooping sandwiches like this out on the reg.

and this is a mission so impossible only women can handle it. The only way in: some of the world’s deadliest female operatives must pose as high-class call-girls
Why would they be call-girls? Couldn’t they just go the Christmas Jones route?

Imma scientist.

Imma scientist.


shipped in by private plane to satisfy a dictator-and instead save the scientist and the day
“Satisfy”. “When dictators get that feeling … they need sexual healing … sexual …” But no, really, how exactly do these savior women establish their cover? Does the dictator google “escorts willing to travel to island lair” and the covert ops teams own the search engine ranking for that?

But we should all get ready for the most amazing part of this movie, and that will be when it’s pitched as a “female empowerment” thing. As in, “Hey, women can be military movie people too!”, when what they really mean is “Hey, women can star in terrible movies too!” We’ve come so far.

Sidenote: Are there female Transformers?


TAGSChristmas JonesDENISE RICHARDSEXPENDABLESEXPENDABLES 2meryl streepTHE EXPENDABELLES

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