As the Captain of the Morning Links, I read a lot of headlines. Upworthy headlines, snarky headlines, poorly written headlines—they all blend together. The internet is a Headline Farm, and clicks are saltwater. Headline Smasher generates fake headlines from real ones, and the results are absurd, gibberish, sometimes hilarious, and surprisingly poetic. It’s easier to recognize the stupid tropes in online media when you see them amped up to 11 at Headline Smasher. “Everything You Need to Be Stopped” sounds totally plausible when the real world is spewing out garbage like 29 Life-Changing Quesadillas You Need to Know About (for real). Who clicks on that?? And how close are they to clicking on some of these gems:
How I Learned to Stop Her Crying
Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart
The Most Powerful Gay Man in Silicon Valley Can’t Stop #Skywriting
Goodbye, GameCube Controller. It’s been Raining Rocks in Sicily
Um. How Close Are We to Being Photoshopped Into Cover Models
WATCH: How to Eat in Real Life
What’s the Weirdest Places You Can Teach an Old Dog New Tricks
If you could get paid to make these up I would finally have career goals. Your move, Ranker.
FOLLOW Vince on Twitter. FAN US on Facebook. SUBSCRIBE to the Frotcast. NOMINATE for Comments of the Week.
Man at grappling contest is farted on, causing him to both submit and vomit |FilmDrunk|
15 Jon Hamm birthday GIFs that make straight men question their sexuality |UPROXX|
Best fails of the week |UPROXX Video|
‘True Detective’ Season 1 finale discussion |Warming Glow|
Mr. Met joined Twitter today and the results were underwhelming |With Leather|
‘Snowpiercer’ has a release U.S. date, hold all my calls |Gamma Squad|
Peter King pear-shaped |Kissing Suzy Kolber|
Frank Ocean tells Chipotle what you’ve always wanted to tell Corporate America |Smoking Section|
15 things you should do now that ‘True Detective’ is over |Holy Taco|
The Wolf of Sesame Street (NSFW) |death&taxes|
Colorado collects $2 million in recreational marijuana taxes in first month |BuzzFeed|
The Justin Bieber deposition tape is a modern masterpiece |Pajiba|
Why did Sandy Hook happen? Because Nancy Lanza was an idiot survivalist? |The Superficial|
A cereal commercial just spoiled ‘Amazing Spider-Man 2’ for you |IDLYITW|
Horrible prank video ever features an idiot robbing people at an ATM… until justice is served |BroBible|
10 things you didn’t know about beer |Guyism|
Black bear climbs across a rope for food. learns the hard way that he’s a bear |The Chive|
26 famous people (allegedly) killed by the Illuminati |Ranker|