As we catch up with our new hero in Michael Bay’s Transformers: Age of Extinction, Marky Mark and his tiny T-Rex arms are busy collecting antique trucks to put his daughter through Arizona State so she can become a porn star. One day he shocks the truck like Dr. Frankenstein and discovers that it’s more than meats the eye, a real Optimus Prime. That’s when some evil dudes show up and Optimus blows them away, but Kelsey Grammer says the government doesn’t need Transformers anymore and Stanley Tucci has his back because they’re both queer or something.
Of course, that’s when the robot dinosaurs show up to destroy the Earth with a foggy space thingy. One guy has a butthole for a face that turns into a gun. Optimus Prime yells “GAAAAHH!” and has a big sword (probably to kill the dinosaurs) and Marky Mark is all sweaty because he just wants to family. The porn stars are scared because cars are upside down and somehow there’s an American flag in the background of every shot. I think it’s telling us that we need to increase our military spending or that I should buy a truck, I can’t tell which.
And to the porn stars, for which they tan, one nation, under dinosaurs, with shooty things and truck nuts for all.
I want more like this!
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