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Weekend Movie Guide: ‘Noah’ Is The Perfect Party Boat Movie For Spring Break

By / 03.28.14
"Punchin' round the worrrrrrrrld!"

"Punchin' round the worrrrrrrrld!"


Opening Everywhere: Noah, Sabotage, Bad Words

Opening Somewhere: Cesar Chavez, The Raid 2

FilmDrunk Suggests: I already wrote about Bad Words last week, so I won’t bother with that here, but I’ll remind you all that Vince’s review was favorable. As for Noah, you can read his review here, too. You want my review of Taco Bell’s breakfast? That’s here. I’m all reviewed out. I can’t wait to see Sabotage tomorrow, and The Raid 2 right after it so my brain melts from awesomeness.

Hey bro, you can't just call dibs.

Hey bro, you can't just call dibs.


Noah

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 76% critics, 68% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

Aronofsky and his co-writer Ari Handel struggle to create authentic drama and so fall back on action-movie clichés. – Adam Nayman, Globe and Mail

W.H. Auden cautioned against those who “read the Bible for its prose,” but after “Noah,” perhaps the better warning is to look out for those people who read the Bible for its potentially profitable widescreen IMAX action scenes. – James Rocchi, Film.com

Armchair Analysis: Parody idea: BROah is the story of two bros who build an ark and they need to bring every kind of babe with them to repopulate the world. Except who gets to bang them all? WOOOOOOAH! Starring Simon Rex and Christian Slater.

"KILL EVERYONE IN SIGHT!"

"KILL EVERYONE IN SIGHT!"


Sabotage

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 19% critics, 54% audience (holy sh*t, that’s terrible)

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

It does have a weird, boldly ugly edge that makes for unexpectedly compelling viewing. – Elizabeth Weitzman, NY Daily News

This is the type of movie best enjoyed as a late-night indulgence on cable. Really late at night, when your eyes are still partially open, but your brain has called it quits. – David Hiltbrand, Philadelphia Inquirer

Armchair Analysis: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha, people complaining about a blatant mindless action movie, hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Keep on critiquing, critics.

"Hi. My name is Cesar Chavez."

"Hi. My name is Cesar Chavez."


Cesar Chavez

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 38% critics, 65% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

Michael Peña brings a centered, beckoning beauty to the title character that manages to speak to Chávez nonviolent approach without becoming hagiographic. – Lisa Kennedy, Denver Post

Biopics about civil rights icons are usually staid affairs. Cesar Chavez, directed by Diego Luna, is no exception. – Peter Rainer, Christian Science Monitor

Armchair Analysis: I know nothing about this movie. This dude did something good, I think.

Something awesome is happening in this shot.

Something awesome is happening in this shot.


The Raid 2

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 78% critics, 93% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

As you might guess, this is not a film for everyone’s taste. But for fans of the martial arts genre, Evans has created a scintillating, if sometimes imperfect, new chapter. – Betsy Sharkey, Los Angeles Times

The Raid 2 lets its warriors rip for two and a half thrilling hours. With the precision of dance and the punch of a KO champion, [director Gavin] Evans keeps the action coming like nobody’s business. – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

Armchair Analysis: YES PLEASE.


TAGSBAD WORDSNOAHSABOTAGETHE RAID 2WEEKEND MOVIE GUIDE

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