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A Barbie Movie Is On The Fast Track Because God Is Dead

By / 04.23.14

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Barbie wisely prepares to make Drunk Ken a sandwich.


Thus far today, we’ve already discussed Hollywood’s plans for a Peeps movie (based on the candy) and a movie based on Disney‘s pedantic, quasi-racist “It’s A Small World” ride (You’re a stereo type aaaafter allll, you’re a steeereo type aaaaaafter aaaaaalll…). In case you weren’t already convinced that the place is a tar pit filled with the sludge of billions of years worth of terrible ideas, now comes word that Sony and Mattel’s collaboration on a Barbie movie is “on the fast track.”

Oh thank God, for a second there I was worried young girls might develop a healthy body image.

Sony Pictures has found what the studio believes will be its next global franchise.

I like to imagine Sony’s CEO rooting through his daughter’s toy chest, finding a Barbie, and shouting “EUREKA!” in a semi-retarded Cookie Monster voice. What a brilliant global franchise “idea!” Give yourselves all a raise!

The studio has closed a partnership with Mattel and Parkes+MacDonald/Image Nation on a live-action comedy built around Barbie. …This is no development deal, it’s all moving very quickly. Studio chief Amy Pascal oversaw this deal herself, along with production president Hannah Minghella, and this movie is getting made. Jenny Bicks is writing the script and the intention is to begin production before year’s end. [Deadline]

I blame The LEGO Movie for making Hollywood think this shit is okay. And Deadline for writing about it as if it’s a development that should be met with anything but two raised middle fingers.

At most jobs, if the boss stands up at a meeting and asks for ideas, and you stood up holding a doll shouting “HOW BOUD DIS ONE?!” You would be rightly fired, possibly committed. In Hollywood, you get a raise, and a puff piece celebrating your genius.

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