Rum and Rom-Coms: Sarah Michelle Gellar's Magical Crabs
Hello friends. I know, I know. It has been a while since I've done one of these. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting for so long. I know that Rum & Rom-Coms is all you live for in this world, and me not giving it to you makes life drastically worse every day. Anyways, this DVD I have of Simply Irresistible is weeks overdue. I rented it from the last video rental store in the world, which is conveniently located half a mile away from me. I chose this film because in the comments section of a previous Rum and Rom-Coms someone suggested I watch it. Whoever told me to watch this did not know the title, but did tell me it was a movie starring Sarah Michelle Gellar who has a magical crab that helps her find love. I had to do some thorough investigating by Google searching “Sarah Michelle Gellar crabs”. Wonderful results came up, including the IMDB page of Simply Irresistible. A 5.2 star rating (out of ten). I was sold.
The film was made in 1999, at the cusp of the Willenium. It stars Sarah Michelle Gellar of course, and her leading man is Sean Patrick Flanery. Yes the Sean Patrick Flanery of Boondock Saints fame (and that's about it). Boondock Saints also came out in 1999. Wonder which of these two films he is most proud of.
I have poured myself some rum, and mixed it with Diet Coke. This is the first Rum and Rom-Coms I'm actually drinking rum for. You can thank the guy who I was dating two weeks before this for the rum. I never drink rum unless someone else buys it for me. A lot has happened since the last Rum and Rom-Coms, you guys. I had a semi-boyfriend who ended up becoming my sex slave but then we broke up because that's how life works. Anyways, I had to rent this film because I couldn't find it online.
So, the film is starting. Acoustic music plays. Some people are walking around in a not-so hustle-bustle New York City. Sarah Michelle Gellar is at a farmer's market. Credits are still playing, and someone named Olek is in this movie. Sarah is asking some questions about mushrooms when a mysterious man with a fedora offers Sarah a barrel full of crabs and she says no. He then tells her that her mother wants her to live up to her potential (interesting sales tactic) but Sarah is all like, “my mom is dead, asshole!” She doesn't really say asshole, by the way. He then recites that stupid proverb about a door closing but then a window opens or some shit. She gives in to getting the crabs, because she doesn't want that window to open. Or, wait does she want the window to open? I hate proverbs. Let's just say she buys the crabs because that's the only way this movie can progress. He charges her $59 for the whole barrel. Okay so it's obvious this guy is some sort of guardian angel or something, or maybe the spirit of her dead mom in man-face, so why would he actually charge her for the crabs? Shouldn't it be a freebie? Isn't that what usually happens?
A crab gets away, and she's trying to catch it. She gets down on all fours, and hits the legs of her soon-to-be love interest (Sean Patrick Flanery). He is a rich-looking, stuffy business guy, wearing a suit at the farmer's market like some sort of monster. The crab bites him, because this crab is the 99%. Sarah and this guy get to talking, and she tells him that the crab is soon to be lunch at her restaurant. He asks what the dish is, and she can't come up with anything. She stutters and ends up saying Napoleon. Crab Napoleon, which is apparently a real thing. Now he mentions that he works in the restaurant business too. What a coincidence! He's about to open one nearby.
Back to the magical creepy man who says his name is Gene O'Reilly and then disappears in an instant. Like all men do!!!!
Cut to Sarah Michelle Gellar heading back to the sad, pathetic restaurant she works in. An older woman, who is her aunt or grandmother or something, says to her that they're going to have to close. They're making no money, and the rent is being raised to $5,000 a month. Why, for $5,000 a month you can get your own studio apartment in San Francisco! (This is some top quality Bay Area humor from my good friends who still live there).
Sarah (whose name is actually Amanda in the film) does not want the restaurant to shut down, but the old lady relative says there is no way to save the place...or is there?
Okay, switching over to Tom's life. Tom is Sean Patrick Flanery's character. He is inside a high-class department store, speaking with different camera crews about the restaurant he is opening inside the store. One reporter asks if it was too much to spend $4 million on a 75 seat restaurant. Tom is all like, no way you peasant idiot. Then again, $4 million dollars....that's the price of a two-bedroom in San Francisco! (Really killing it with these Bay Area jokes right now).
Amanda Peet is Tom's girlfriend. He hates her, which makes no sense because it's impossible to hate Amanda Peet but okay. I don't know much about Amanda Peet, but I do know that she is great. I have a strong feeling someone is going to send me a link after reading this about how she wears baby-skin coats or thinks Obama is an alien controlling the country from the moon or some shit. Bring it on, I am down to continue loving her.
After she leaves, Tom explains to his assistant (Patricia Clarkson) that it's time to dump her because they've already been on three dates. MEN. He explains further by showing a relationship graph he keeps handy that measures happiness over time. He has a weird three date rule to prevent himself from being close to women, then busts out a relationship graph? There's something that feels very serial killer about this. Honestly, that would be a wonderful direction for this movie to go in. According to him, by the fourth date it becomes a relationship. Lol, what? Now he's talking about his obsession with paper airplanes. Definite serial killer.
Back to Amanda (Sarah Michelle Gellar), who is a really shitty chef. This makes no sense to me. You'd think someone obsessed with saving her restaurant would at least know how to make something? She has to tell the three regulars, an old married couple (the husband has high cholesterol) and one other old guy, that the restaurant is closing. They're all upset and trying to console her, but Amanda is all like, shut up you don't even like this shit food. They're pretty much just nodding in agreement. Jesus Christ, this is like some really pathetic bizarro episode of Cheers (can't write one of these without referencing Cheers at least once).
Amanda breaks down, and steps outside. Really awful jazz plays as she cries outside her restaurant. Oh look at that, Gene is back as the taxi driver driving the one and only Tom and his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend Amanda Peet to lunch. Of course, this Gene character has a trick up his sleeve! He drops the two off right in front of Amanda's restaurant. The one she is currently crouched on the sidewalk and crying in front of. Good move dude. Tom and Amanda complain that this is not where they wanted to go, but Gene just drives off. Gene is pretty much a dick. If you have magical powers how about just make it so that these two fall in love instantly rather than do this semi-douchey stuff? Tom approaches a crying Amanda who has gone back to being chipper because he's there. The two decide to eat at her crap food joint, instead of the original restaurant they planned to go to. Amanda lets them in, then goes to the kitchen and freaks out because she doesn't know how to cook. She has a sous-chef--Lawrence Gillard--who is apparently D'Angelo from The Wire, but I never saw that show so I’m not very excited about it. Oh wait, damn he was also in The Waterboy. Excitement back on!
She wants him to stay at the restaurant so she is determined to make the crab dish she said she could make. She begins complaining about Amanda Peet for looking perfect and beautiful, as if she is really ugly and gross.
Really cool martini making contraption. Most interesting part of this movie so far. Is this real? Can I buy it? Also, turns out one of these crabs is the magical crab. The same one that bit Tom's foot now escaped from all the other crabs and is chillin' on a shelf, being magical. He turned Sarah Michelle Gellar into a good chef, and she made a crab Napoleon, perfectly. Okay, I'm confused. You'd think someone who loves food so much would learn how to cook it, and not need a magical crab to finally make it happen for her.
I am taking a shot of rum for good measure. This is not going down smooth. My former sex-slave did not buy me top quality rum. The main reason for things not working out between us.
Tom and Amanda Peet are eating the food they ordered, Tom is having an orgasm over how good the crab is while Amanda Peet takes one bite of her food and starts going crazy. She tells Tom that she hates him and is better than him while throwing plates around and screaming. Tom is barely giving a f*ck because the crab is THAT GOOD. When she leaves, Tom offers to replace the broken plates. Not such a bad guy after all. Also, hearing the words “crab Napolean” made me want to get the Neopolitan ice cream in my freezer, which I eat without feeling guilt because it is slow churned. Somehow churning ice cream slowly takes away half the fat, and is therefore healthy for you.
Tom is crazy about this crab. He is trying to talk about the plans in his restaurant but can't stop saying things like “crab” and “dill”. His boss, Jonathan, has no idea that Tom's assistant has a crush on him and says to her, “You're like a man. You think with your nuts.” See fellas, women get friend zoned too!
Amanda makes a bunch of great looking eclair cookie type things. Awful soft rock plays.
Now Amanda is getting ready to go to the department store Tom works at. She has her sous chef help her pick out an outfit and he starts talking about men only being interested in sex.
Now he is busting out some facts about how the average man thinks about sex 238 times a day, and that when a man touches his belt it means that he is thinking about his fat boner getting inside a pretty lady with a juicy lovehole. What's the move for when women think about sex? Personally, I just take my pants off and shout “Mama wants it!”. I have been kicked out of eighteen 7-Elevens in the state of California.
Cut to the department store where Tom and one of his minions admire how perfect their watch display is. Amanda ruins the display case because she is such a, say it with me, KLUTZ!!!!! How is this total klutz ever going to date a rich, fancy guy like Tom? It's like they're from two different worlds. She trips sometimes! He never trips! This can't possibly work out.
After some small talk they head to the fourth floor together to look at some plates. Is it just me or should the phrase, “look at some plates” totally be a euphemism for having sex in a department store. “Hey honey, want to go to Macy's and look at some plates?”
Anyways, Tom and Amanda are literally looking at plates and it's very boring.
Although, Tom seems slightly turned on by Sarah Michelle Gellar's plate picking ability. He says, “very bold plate selection”. Oh come on, just screw already!
Now she's bringing up the fact that he doesn't wear belts, and he wants to know why she asked him in the first place. She is forced to tell him that men think about sex all the time. Tom does some math in his head and comes to the conclusion that this statistic is completely accurate and that men really do think about sex 238 times a day. Men, are you angry about this? Don't you hate the way you are being stereotyped as sex-crazed fiends in this movie? Where are the men's rights activists when you need them? Trick question, you never need them.
Now Amanda says that one good sexual thought takes at least twenty minutes. Not even actual sex takes that long! Haha. I'm funny. Wait, now she tells Tom that she likes paper airplanes too. This might be love after all. Or, they're both serial killers. She also gives Tom some of those eclairs she made. He is eating it in the elevator and freaking out over how goddamn good it is. He then starts talking about how much he loves shoes. “I love how we sell them in two's”. What the Hell is this crab doing to the food?
Tom, in his momentary state of magic and/or drug-induced bliss, takes her to the restaurant he's building, and she is starting to act crazy too (she also had some of the eclair). They're both in a trance of some sort, and start dancing while Tom's boss is trying to interrupt them.
Okay I am only 40 minutes into this thing and want to die. I need way more rum. I have taken another shot, and poured myself another drink. This thing is going to take forever if I keep writing every single dumb thing that is happening.
The restaurant is suddenly successful.
Tom and Amanda (Sarah Michelle Gellar) have sex, while the smoke from a vanilla dessert she is making surrounds them?
The couple then have another special date. It goes real great until they kiss, and the magic crab makes them float all the way to the ceiling. Tom freaks the f*ck out like a big baby, and accuses Amanda of being some sort of witch. Why can't you just commit like a real man, Tom?
The stubborn French chef of Tom's restaurant quits, and his boss hires Amanda to replace him. Tom is still freaking out, and is again accusing Amanda of evil witchcraft.
Amanda brings the crab to this restaurant on the night of the opening. She does not at all explain how she came to acknowledge that the crab was even alive in her restaurant, or why she chose to keep it as a pet as opposed to cook it like any normal chef would. She doesn't even know it's magical.
On the other hand, I completely understand how someone can quickly get emotionally attached to crabs. I bought two hermit crabs at a mall kiosk a few months ago, and one of them already died. Warning, Amanda: apparently an adult having pet crabs of any kind is seen as a cry for help by your so-called friends as opposed to a fun, cute thing women sometimes do because they need another living creature in their bedroom other than themselves, and their apartment doesn't allow cats or dogs.
Amanda is taking charge at this restaurant, and changes up the whole menu.
Okay this is great. Amanda's food is having a “magical” effect on all the customers. The first dish is making them cry uncontrollably. One man is reciting poetry. Turns out all of Amanda's emotions are going into the food. So when she cooks sad, they eat sad. When she cooks happy, they eat happy. Except the second dish has put them in a trance? Dessert is an apple on a plate with smoke coming out of it. It's making everyone very horny. Does that mean Amanda was horny while staring at apples? If so, I totally get it.
Tom is having flashbacks of his brief relationship with Amanda (two dates) and realizes he has made a horrible mistake. Witch or not, he wants to be with her. It's all very romantic. He sees her going home in a cab, and throws a paper airplane towards her. This airplane of course manages to get inside the cab and lands perfectly on her lap. This is how true love works. It's all magical paper airplanes and smoke apples.
Amanda has come back to the restaurant, wearing a fancy pink dress. Her hair is suddenly done up all fancy, and Tom appropriately apologizes to his black magic woman. They kiss, and are madly in love for real. The crab makes them float in the air again, but this time Tom is totally cool with it.
That's it. That's the whole movie. Amanda never even fully figures out why she all of a sudden became a good chef. That Gene O'Reilly guy is never even explained. The crab is presumably going to live with her and Tom forever? What a great movie. Really top notch story-telling. Honestly though, I wouldn't mind if every romantic comedy form now on had a magical crab of some sort.
Well, I'm drunk, but not as drunk as I usually get watching these dumb movies. This is all thanks to the loaf of bread I had for dinner. How many drinks did I even have? Three? I also had three shots. Basically, on the drunk scale, I give Simply Irresistible a 5. This means you only have to be semi-blasted to watch it in full. Now I have to put more salt water in my hermit crab's water dish. I hate my life.