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Comments of the Week: H8ers Edition

By / 06.23.14
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Welcome back, everyone. When we last met, the comments were sparse, straggling like stragglers after the computer machine had feasted on their village. We’ve regrouped, and we charge into the belly of the beast to burst its bowels and spill our seed all over this fertile cyber soil. Excelsior, ‘n what-not. Shit like that.

You guys rocked the Michael Bay post. Lotta haters; I don’t get it. There were so many mean comments:

kazoshay: You gotta dress for the job you WANT. And Michael Bay wants to be a billboard.

Stallonewolf: His boxer briefs also say “Crane Shot” on the crotch.

PaulyDangerously: Only right for a man whose movies are basically NO FEAR shirts.

PaulyDangerously: “IF YOU CAN’T BAY WITH THE BAY DOGS, BAY ON THE BAY!”

"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" Halloween Party At The Mondrian Hotel

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Bro it’s like how can you even act like his movies aren’t dope as shit? Moving on. You should all read Alison’s review of Obvious Child, if you haven’t yet. In it, we conclude that it’s ultimately all about empathy when it comes to the mother’s de—

Shop 101: This child having being life ruining for a woman is so much generational twaddle. Squat it out, get on with your shit and ruin the child’s life.

Right Mom? RIGHT MOM?!?

Wow. That’s a nearly perfect internet comment: aggressively cynical turned hysterically vulnerable in a matter of seconds.

You guys see the trailer for The Good Lie? It’s more overwrought than a Christian music video, so I’d highly recommend it. Four Africans give savage performances as [?], [??], and [???], who must live with a heartfelt #independent version of someone who would make a perfect wife and mom (as evidenced by her solid hips, maternal instincts, and ability to call out sissy boys for being shy), played by Reese Ritherspoon, an Aries. You may remember Witherspoon from such classics as Do You Know My Name, Sir?! (2013) and I’m Now Being Arrested and Handcuffed?? from the same year. OhMyBalls swept in with the steal:

OhMyBalls: Reese should have screamed “Do you know who I am!?!” to get the immigration supervisor’s attention.

F1rst, indeed (although who knows what with all the comment-eating). Plus there was f*ckthumbs’ comment, which sadly made me laugh:

f*ckthumbs: How do you help three traumatized Sudanese guys best? Witherspoon!  :-/

I’ll admit that most of my laughter came from seeing Žižek in your avatar. #Douchechill. And don’t worry, there were more crappy trailers. Like this one, for But Name, He’s Your Father!! starring Robert(Downey, Jr.)+(Duvall). The take-away being:

Zombie Jesus X: I think the big surprise here is that D’Onofrio seems to have more lines than just “Hodor”.

Booyah! Because he’s fat! By now I’ve had a couple name tags (don’t h8), so let’s explore some more threads, yeah? Just seconds after Casey Kasem—f*ckin’ ponderous—like, zoinks! died, Warner Bros planned to reboot Scooby-Doo. Look, dudes, you peaked at Scooby-Doo! and the Reluctant Werewolf, and that junk was 1988. Call it quits. Nothing will beat the Reluctant Werewolf. Unless…

Rawhead Wrecks: It would be “grittier” if Scooby was a cat, because…kitty litter is gritty…get it?

*shows himself out*

Hell yes. Scooby-Doo as a cat sounds much more like Scandinavian avant-garde. The cat, elected the town sheriff despite his best intentions, is tasked with investigating the local kidnappings. Instead, he just gets a contact high from his owner, Ray, and they have nightmares. Maybe Lars Von Trier could do it if he isn’t too busy making superhero sausage flicks. Trier’s early masterpiece is titled Trip to Squash Land… A Super Sausage Film, but I think we did better:

Nic Cages T-Rex Skull: Hot Dogville

Perfect. But the comment of the week? This week’s comment of the week was a collective effort, a wave of fakeness and gayness that nearly destroyed poor Laremy’s resolve. But he held, by God, he held:

Laremy: Guys, I want to address a few of the specific criticisms in here, because I think they are valid.

1) I do not know what a cuntstorm is … other than that I want to be a part of it.
2) Conversely, I do lick dicks. The world is full of these sorts of contradictions.
3) I’m somewhat smarmy, and I do look a little like Powder. Totally fair. But, you know, skin cancer. So even steven is what I say.
4) I didn’t research very hard. Because I’ve lived it. Ball don’t lie.
5) I didn’t besmirch the man, I besmirched the art. Art has to be besmirched because better art comes from besmirchment.
6) I, in general, don’t talk to girls, because I am afraid of them. This is because I am less of a man than anyone who disagrees with me. No, ha, only kidding bro. I pay for hookers.
7) If this article was the first thing I ever clicked on for this site I would have been really freaked out. I mean, I wrote it. Probably woulda never come back too. Co-sign.
8) Am working on ways to leave the planet. But that presupposes either an afterlife or the tech needed for the average internet writer to acquire transpo off Earth. Not super hopeful on a near-term solution to this one.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Sorry I made some of you so mad with my writing. Happy others of you maybe enjoyed it. Either way, I realize time is a commodity and if you didn’t like the work you’ll know not to waste more of your precious currency with articles that have my byline.

Just like I wish I could with Clint.

Plus he gave me tips about Seattle, so. Congratulations, Laremy. In honor of the degree to which you have kept it real, I’ll send you a picture of Amy Winehouse bustin’ out of a motherf*ckin’ volcano.

And of course thanks to all of his haters. There are too many to list but here’s some quick shout-outs to bentenn, SeaStorm, Verbal Kunt, The Incredible Tulk, and MetRaider65. You all made this happen. Keep on keepin’ on, brothers.

To the rest: remember to keep your wits about you, and nominate your favorite comments in the comments section of this very thread. Next week’s winner will be flown out to Los Angeles for a very special VIP dinner with yours truly, where you can help me decide what shirt to wear in my driver’s license picture.


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