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Comments of the Week: Monica Edition

By / 06.30.14
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This week was a good one to be a commenter, at least as good as good can get when it comes to being an internet commenter. Other places, you shout your name into the void, and at best you’re validated by likes, haters, or spam imitators. Here? The void speaks back. I am the void, here to congratulate the commenters who commentered the best.

We gon’ start off with my favorite comments from some of my articles, since if the void does anything, it’s indulge. After reading my groundbreaking discoveries about the production of The Lion King, kazoshay asked:

kazoshay: Is it true that the movie was actually just a money laundering scheme to cover for a child sex trafficking operation, or did I just make that up?

and the perfect response

Otto Man: I believe you’re thinking of the Catholic Church.

Heyoooo! Bazinga! To quote some dude from a Chicago open mic last year, “it’s kinda f*cked up that priest molestation jokes are considered hack.” Plus, peace to my h8rrrrrs:

Gen. Fatassery: Daniel Tosh & Dane Cook could co-headline and do nothing but rape and observational jokes for 3 hours and it would still be more funnier than this f*cking train wreck of an article.

Then there was the Snow White porno, which felt more like a parody of a porno than a parody of a movie.

HairyForeskin: I’d love to see a long form porn with just one actress going through multiple scenes. That way you could have an overarching erotic story, instead of an anthology of random scenes. You would have different outfits and sets for each scene in order to mix things up.

Plus, I want to watch a story about a turbo slut who cums so much that dying from dehydration is a real threat.

This is a good joke, kinda like that Louis CK bit about drowning in cum. Moving on, are you guys excited for Raging Bull 2 AKA The Bronx Bull, or wHAT??? Oh, no?

Screen Shot 2014-06-29 at 6.10.14 PMIncredible Tulk: I’m guessing Raging Bullshit didn’t test well.

Schnitzel bob: That’s a powerful looking performance from Paul Sorvino. He must have gone to the Marlon Brando School of Jowel-Based Italian Stereotypes.

The Jersey Devil: Paul Sorvino, William Forsythe, Tom Sizemore, this movie has more heavy breathing than Curves.

Not sure what you guys don’t like about this red-faced pinky ring of a cast, but sign me up for all the derivative horseshit the Hollywood Factory can produce!

—There’s going to be a 5th/2nd/4th Rambo movie!

Captain Shimmer: Back up the fun bus. What is this movie going to be called.

First Blood
Rambo: First Blood Part 2
Rambo 3
Rambo

We should have a pool for this. I cast my vote for Ramborghini.

Yes but only if there are literally no scenes with Stallone outside of his Lambo. Full disclosure: every issue of Comments of the Week has been sponsored by Lamborghini. Ignoring segues, you guys hear about Gary Oldman and the maze of hedges he lives in?

Chareth Cutestory: Walls? Shrubs? Dude, if you want to disappear, just be Adrian Grenier.

Santander: *9 am on a Saturday morning*

*Oldman, clad in a grey bathrobe, is using a rake to fish Grenier’s used condoms out of his hedges*

And that wasn’t the only time you made me lol, Chareth. When John Cleese said something about James Bond being boring because #China:

Chareth Cutestory: If they really want to attract the Chinese, they should change Bond’s first name to “U.S. Treasury.”

*crickets*

/looks offstage at a shrugging Bruce Vilanch

Take notes, everybody else. More. Bruce. Vilance. References. Enough foreplay, it’s time for the comment of the week. This week’s winner comes from the DoesTheDogDie article, where Vince introduced us to the site that ranks movies based on their shameful emotional manipulation. I was happy to see everyone crying about what on-screen canine death brought out the most tears (I Am Legend for me), but one of you made me the happiest girl at the ball:

jangles: Isn’t this site kind of outdated? You can’t film raw dogs in LA anymore.

Bravo, jangles. You win as much for my love for “raw dog” as you do for your ability to think of creampies and dogs at the same time. As promised last week, I’ll fly you out to LA. However, dinner is cancelled and I’m gonna need you to help me move. To the rest: remember to keep your wits about you, and to nominate your favorite comments in the comments section of this very thread. Next week’s winner will get exclusive access to my private blog about cardboard.

PS – This comment from the Gary Oldman ADL mess must be mentioned:

Stallonewolf: The Anti-Defecation League finds this shit unacceptable.

Void, out.


TAGSCAPTAIN SHIMMERCHARETH CUTESTORYCOMMENTS OF THE WEEKGEN. FATASSERYHAIRYFORESKININCREDIBLE TULKJANGLESKAZOSHAYOTTO MANSANTANDERSCHNITZEL BOBSTALLONEWOLFTHE JERSEY DEVIL

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