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Nikki Finke Bragging About Her XXXtreme New Site Logo Is The Best Thing You’ll Read Today

By 06.12.14
An Artist's Rendition

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This might be a little inside baseball and I honestly hate writing about her because I suspect that’s exactly what she wants, but if you don’t know, Nikki Finke is this mythical Hollywood beast who famously never allows herself to be photographed, the former self-appointed queen of insidery Hollywood industry blogging, whose claim to fame is her old website, Deadline Hollywood Daily. It got bought up by Penske Media, but she quickly fell out with ownership because her main skill was always the ability to start feuds (with Sharon Waxman of The Wrap, with Bret Easton Ellis, etc. etc.). She broke a lot of stories, but for all her talk of giving people the “straight dope” or whatever, I don’t really think the kind of honesty readers are looking for is a psychotic dragon lady screeching about everyone who has ever wronged her.

Anyway, after a long, drawn out feud with Penske and a bunch of inside baseball crap no one really cares about, Nikki is back with Nikki Finke.com. Like I said, I hate giving her free publicity, but credit where credit is due, her just-published mission statement is priceless. Especially the opening paragraph, where she brags about her logo:

Let me just admit it: I’m old. I’m beat up. I’ve been used for target practice by every moron with a byline. But this morning I’m excited and scared and most importantly back to writing more than 140-character Tweets. Because I’m posting on my own website after sitting out my non-compete for 7 soul-crushing months. And that’s why I designed my new logo to look the way it does – gritty and bullet-riddled with a fiery palm tree shooting sparks into the night sky more dramatically than any fancy klieg light.


F*CK A KLIEG LIGHT, SON, MAMA GOT A SPARK PALM!!

I’m glad she explained that, because I never would’ve known what it was otherwise. It looks like courier over a clip art supernova. Nonetheless, I’ve re-read that sentence six times and it still makes me laugh out loud every time. “Hmm, I like that new logo is all gritty and bullet riddled, but do you think could also add flames and a bloody tampon? This needs to look really hardcore.”

Let those wimpy Hollywood websites do glossy or garish or rewrite press releases or post stenography instead of sturm und drang. I’m all about this town’s gritty reality exposed through the harsh glare of my reporting.

I love to imagine her chomping a cigar as she writes this, silently congratulating herself on how badass she is while dreaming she’s some Ray Chandler hero. “M’yeaaah, see, this greaseball town ain’t gonna know what hit ‘em when ol’ Nikki’s back at the clambake, aaah ch-cha cha….” (*angrily sips appletini*)

Some of those bylines I never hired and wouldn’t. (Anita Busch or Peter Bart? She’s batshit crazy and he’s an unethical fart.) A lot of those stories I consider a waste of time covering. I never wanted a bland and boring news feed.

Hold the phone, a woman who has beefs with people she used to work with? MY GOD, THIS IS A REVOLUTION!

Oh, don’t worry: I’ll have much more to say over the next few days about Little Lord Fauntleroy and Mike Phlegming. Because I don’t f*ck on the first date.

That’s a real shame, because you’d probably get real horny watching her unhinge her jaw to swallow a whole plate of cedar-smoked salmon. Talk about blue balls!

I want to be your cruel and quirky alternative to Deadlame and Valiety and The Hollywood Unreported and TheCrap. To zig when others zag. To tell you the hard truths about Hollywood which its publicity machine works overtime to ensure you never read.

“Do you want hear some of my other childish name puns? Because I have more. The New York Slimes. The Shitcago Tribeunuchs. The Baltiwhore Scum. The Jew Hork Gayly Spews. Oh, don’t worry, I’ll have plenty more for NikkiFinke.com subscribers, but I don’t f*ck on the first date.”

Above all, the website needs and wants your input. Just like I can’t be silenced or intimidated here, your comments won’t get sanitized. (Even the inevitable four-letter words about my genitals.) I’ll monitor your comments but never alter them. But it does make my job easier if you don’t assassinate people’s character, impersonate the famous or powerful, go on off-topic tangents, repeat what’s already been said better, or state your facts inaccurately. Check your spelling and grammar before posting especially from smartphones or no reader will take your opinion seriously. Lastly, stick to the professional and stay away from the personal and, above all, don’t bore me.

“Because on this website where I write my uncensored thoughts on the fart people and phlegm goblins I’m trying to ruin, the last thing I need is you dragging down the discourse. NIKKI OUT.” (*contentedly sits back on cat urine-soaked couch*)

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