Finally, we have another Transformers film. It’s been three years since those robot-aliens graced our screens, and gosh darn-it I am so glad to have them back. To celebrate Age of Extinction I thought it’d be appropriate to watch all of the franchise’s films leading up to this one. In one sitting, of course. That’s over seven hours of non-stop fun. Unlike these first three films, Age of Extinction stars Mark Wahlberg rather than Shia LaBeouf. Probably because Shia LaBeouf is not famous anymore.
I posted some Facebook statuses asking friends if they happen to own one or all of the films on DVD. No one got back to me. I reached out again. Still nothing. Did no one want to admit to me they have these films? This reminds me of that age old philosophical quandary: if a grown adult watches Transformers in the woods and no one is there to see them, are they still never moving out of mom’s basement? Anyways, I ended up having to buy the trilogy myself. This very well may be the best thirty-dollars I ever spent.
When I invited some friends to my Transformers viewing party every single one of them said they were busy. Even when I switched the date they still said they were busy. It’s like, I’m sorry did you not read my text? We are watching all three Transformers films back to back. What could possibly be more important than this? Fine. It’s all me then. Me, myself, and I. And Michael Bay. We’re doing this, baby.
It’s around 5pm and I just popped in the first DVD. This one is simply titled, Transformers. The film starts with Optimus Prime (leader of the good robot-aliens) talking about how life began with a cube? Is this what Scientology is about? Anyways, life on his planet was peaceful until civil war happened. The cube got lost and ended up landing on earth. Then some army dudes doing army stuff appear. Josh Duhamel (Fergie’s husband) is the leader of the pack. Tyrese is there too. Shia LaBeouf plays Sam Witwicky, a nerdy high schooler who can’t get no loving from the ladies. He has a crush on Megan Fox, who we are supposed to believe is a teenaged girl. Bernie Mac (RIP) sells Sam a car that ends up being a Transformer named Bumblebee.
The soldiers are fighting something suspicious in the Middle East. Sam’s great-grandfather went crazy seeing a giant robot ice man when traveling the Atlantic many years ago, but maybe he wasn’t so crazy after all? About an hour into the film, Sam’s car finally reveals itself as a Transformer and fights a Decepticon (bad robot-alien). Finally, the plot is starting.
Autobots hit earth like asteroids and turn themselves into replicas of all the bad-ass trucks and cars they see on the street. These Autobots are looking for the AllSpark (that cube) before the ruler of the evil Decepticons, Megatron, gets it. Megatron is the ice man. Some map/code thing is encrypted in Sam’s great-grandfather’s glasses, which Sam was trying to sell on eBay.
Turns out the government has been lying to us all along about not knowing aliens exist, and the Hoover Dam was built to block off the energy emitting from that AllSpark. A big battle happens all over Los Angeles for that AllSpark. The rest of the film is non-stop fighting mixed in with a little bit of dialogue. Los Angeles is completely destroyed, but something tells me it will be in great shape during the next film. Megatron is defeated. Everyone is happy. Linkin Park plays as the credits roll.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)
Okay, the first film was not so hard to get through. It was close to two-and-a-half hours, and it looks like this film is nearly the same amount of time. Great. It’s getting close to 8pm, and I’ve started drinking. Whiskey has to help me get through this. This film opens up with Optimus Prime saying that his kind has been on Earth before, Back in the day, in the cave man times. Cut to present day, where the city of Shanghai gets destroyed by Autobots, Fergie’s husband, and Tyrese fighting Decepticons. After that happens for longer than necessary, we cut to Sam getting ready to leave for college. Poor Sam has to leave his Autobot, Bumblebee, behind. Apparently, freshmen at his college are not allowed to have cars, which is so not a thing. Bumblebee is sad. Megan Fox and Shia think they can have a long distance relationship. Yeah, good luck with that. Back to Fergie’s husband who says the words “Alien Autobot Cooperation Act”. Nothing has ever sounded more official than this. Back again to Sam and his life as a college student. How perfect, turns out his roomie is a conspiracy theorist who believes in robot-aliens. Uh-oh! Mom accidentally ate some pot brownies! That is so college.
So because Sam touched a part of that AllSpark cube, he has retained all the knowledge that cube held. Making it a lot harder for him to just be a normal college kid. Optimus Prime is killed trying to protect Sam because Megatron (who is resurrected) is after Sam’s brain for having all that knowledge from the AllSpark inside it. Okay this movie is way too damn long. I kind of want to burst into tears knowing there is so much of this left.
The Fallen is the name of a bad robot-alien who wanted to destroy earth and steal the sun. Fighting happens. Megan Fox thinks Sam is dead and is very emotional. This is a lot of acting for her. He comes back to life because Autobots in heaven tell him to? Oh yeah also they are all in Egypt. They are in Egypt destroying ancient pyramids. Fighting, and then some more fighting. The Decepticons lose the battle once again. Sam goes back to being a regular college student. Linkin Park plays as the end credits roll.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)
Now it’s midnight, and I am pretty drunk. I feel like going through with watching the third film is the worst life decision I have ever made. I press play. We open with Optimus again talking about how peaceful his planet used to be until that civil war stuff. His voice has grown on me a lot. It’s kind of turning me on at this point. So deep, and robotic. Like an auto-tuned Barry White or something. Upon investigating the man behind the voice, I discover that Optimus is voiced by none other than 72-year-old actor Peter Cullen. Even better. None of this should be turning me on, but I am pretty delusional at this point. Anyways, this film is rewriting history and revealing that the Apollo 11 moon landing was all an effort to see some alien space ship that landed on the moon. Space race my ass!
There’s no Megan Fox in this one, but Sam has a new girlfriend. She’s British and still too hot for him, and still not very interesting. Sam has graduated college, and John Malkovich is his new boss. Patrick Dempsey is the girlfriend’s really hot boss and Sam is jealous because Patrick Dempsey is better than him. Quick little scene where Dempsey compares cars to women. Ha, it’s true. We are like cars because we vroom vroom and beep beep. Did I mention I am feeling kind of crazy right now?
Around 20 minutes pass, and my interest in this film has plummeted so fast. Sam hates his job, while the Autobots go to the moon to find the Ark, a spaceship that holds a thing that can save their home planet or something. There’s also this other Autobot on the moon and Optimus Prime revives him. Damn. Optimus Prime is honestly a hot robot. Like, I’m not into robots but if I was forced to start loving on one it would definitely be Optimus. Leadership is a turn on. His eyes are blue too, but like flashlight blue. His eyes are flashlights.
I don’t know how much more time has gone by. An hour? Four hours? Turns out the robot Autobot Optimus saved, Sentinel, has gone baddd (he used to be good) and teamed up with Megatron to destroy earth. These movies are starting to feel like Scooby Doo episodes. I’m waiting for Megatron to say, “And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you meddling horrible actors!”
A bunch of soldiers are fighting the Deceptions in a big sky battle and it’s looking like it just might be the end of the world. Now wait, how come there are no female Transformers? Do these robot-aliens not breed? How are they made? Like, is it some alien stork shit? How come these questions don’t get answered? Maybe Michael Bay could chill on all the fighting, cars, and displays of racism/homophobia/misogyny, to give an anatomy lesson of some sort. I’m not asking for a straight up robot-alien sex scene, but actually that would be pretty cool.
Basically everything works out fine. The Decepticons lose the f*cking battle because duh. Optimus kills both Sentinel and Megatron so Earth is not threatened with extinction for a few more years. Oh, and Linkin Park plays as the end credits roll.
What to expect from Age of Extinction
Regardless of no Shia Labeouf, there will definitely be Optimus Prime mentioning how peaceful his planet used to be. There will probably be fighting in the Middle East, or Egypt. There will be a lot of fighting period, especially in the last half of the film. The whole last half of the film will be all fighting, with very little dialogue. Basically, it will look like a very long Army recruiting commercial. A hot girl will be there, but she won’t have much personality or anything important to say. However, she will be very hot. Cars will go fast, and turn into robots and beat up other cars that turn into robots. A female robot-alien will not be present, and Autobot sex will not be shown. Linkin Park will play as the end credits roll. Happy viewing?