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No, It’s Not OK To See Dumb Movies Like ‘Transformers’

By / 07.08.14
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When asked about what he expects from his show on a daily basis, David Letterman once said, and this is paraphrasing, “not every show can be perfect, things never go exactly as planned, but every show can be mediocre, and that’s our goal.” Which seems like a reasonable goal for them and a reasonable expectation from us for a professional TV show with plenty of money and resources at their disposal.

And yet for some reason we don’t even hold movies to that low standard, of “please just don’t suck”, so now movies like Transformers 1 – However Long This Takes have become little more than an elaborate, 3-hour way for Hollywood to tell you to go f*ck yourself.

Age of Extinction has already made almost $600 million dollars, even though no one seems to like it, which has emboldened director Michael Bay to the point that he now feels absolutely no obligation to make the next ones any better. He told MTV

“(People who criticize these movies) love to hate, and I don’t care; let them hate. They’re still going to see the movie! I think it’s good to get a little tension. Very good.”

Does he even realize how f*cking retarded you have to be to make a boring movie about shape shifting robots from space who come to earth to fight?

Just because someone watches something doesn’t make it ok. It’s just as likely that they’re watching something because it’s bad in some way, and I’ve got the browser bookmarks to prove that. I could spend 10 minutes watching this old lady get hit in the head with a soccer ball because she didn’t keep her head on a swivel and it’s funny. And then another 10 watching this sheep teach a bull how to play bonk because it’s adorable. And then like 20 minutes watching girls kiss, and about a week watching whoever this is pull up her Game of Thrones shirt (NSFW) and stick out her tongue.

Point being, I’m not exactly some some hoity-toity elitist going to movies in spats and a top hat, I don’t expect every movie to be a profound journey, but is it really too much to ask that they put a little effort into the script? Otherwise, what’s next, no editor? Movies will just be 19 hours long in whatever order they shot it in. All this franchise needs to do is hire a good writer. And then make him the director.

The thing people usually say to defend awful movies is some version of, “I just want to turn my brain off and watch something cool.” And those people need to stop being such malleable p*ssies because Hollywood just stole 15 dollars from them and they’re just sittin’ there takin’ it. KNOCK IT OFF! You’re ruining movies for everyone else. Why even go to a new movie if you’re not gonna pay attention. Keep it up and for Transformers 5 they’ll just re-name and re-release some other vaguely similar movie someone already made like Pacific Rim or Godzilla, or simply play the first one backwards because you won’t know the difference anyway. If all you want is to see some cool flashing lights than have one of your dumb friends whack you in the head with a pan or something.

(you can follow me on twitter if you want. or dont, whatever, it’s your life)

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