Opening Everywhere: Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Opening Somewhere: Boyhood, Rage, A Long Way Down
FilmDrunk Suggests: Vince did not necessarily enjoy Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, if his opinions weigh heavily on whether or not you pay money to see movies. But beyond Gary Oldman and his monkey woes, there’s not much else new for you this weekend, unless you want to curl up on the couch and check out some On Demand. For example, three theaters near me are showing Snowpiercer this weekend, but I hate each of those theaters, so I’m just going to watch on iTunes. God bless.
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 91% critics, 93% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
For all its high-end special effects and its Shakespearean ambitions, Dawn fumbles its emotional moments and forces its action. – Lisa Kennedy, Denver Post
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes gets to be exciting and to say something about the world instead of merely blowing it up. The apes are among the more intellectually complex characters you’re likely to spend time with this summer. – Wesley Morris, Grantland
Armchair Analysis: Everyone seems to love this movie – again, with the exception of Vince who seems to be poo-pooing a lot of movies this year – but I don’t know, you guys. I’ve always had a problem with the Planet of the Apes movies and their themes. Like, how the hell are monkeys going to overpower the human race? I mean, monkeys are pretty strong, but if a chimp tries to take my house, I’m gonna hold a banana in one hand and slap it’s money teeth down its monkey throat with the other hand. F*ck you, monkeys, that’s my name on the mortgage.
Boyhood
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 100% critics, 88% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
The film gives every appearance of happening exactly the way life does, And exactly the way life does, it makes you care. – Bob Mondello, NPR
There isn’t anything else quite like “Boyhood” in the history of cinema, although that wouldn’t matter one-fifth as much if it weren’t a moving and memorable viewing experience in the end. – Andrew O’Hehir, Salon
Armchair Analysis: This movie was apparently filmed over 12 years, as we get to actually watch Ellar Coltrane grow up on camera while playing the role of Mason. That sounds like a really bizarre and artsy idea, which isn’t usually my bag, but there are people out there who love Richard Linklater, so they must be stroking like crazy over this. Still, I don’t plan to be there to watch my own kid grow up, so this kid can take a hike, too.
Rage
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 15% audience, 27% critics
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
Cage may not always be easy on the eyes, but at his best, you can’t turn away from him, because you never really know what he’ll do next. But here, the actor plays it drab and dour. – Bilge Ebiri, Vulture
It’s hard to say this is the worst film Nicolas Cage has ever made – there are just too many contenders to choose from. But it’s near the bottom. – Tom Long, Detroit News
Armchair Analysis: And the Nic Cage Paycheck Express roles into town with a Taken knockoff that has Cage and his old gang going after whoever kidnapped his daughter. Also, Danny Glover’s there because he’s never too old to take some extra coin, too.
A Long Way Down
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 18% critics, 33% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
There’s not much meat here – just a slightly smart setup without any followthrough. – Stephen Whitty, Newark Star-Ledger
[An] inane, preposterous and stupefying film … – Stephen Holden, New York Times
Armchair Analysis: It sounds like a strangely sweet idea – four people (including Pierce Brosnan, Aaron Paul and Imogen Poots) want to commit suicide, but when they show up to the same spot at the same time to do the deed, they decide to hold off and end up becoming friends – but everyone apparently hates it. That seems to happen a lot, so I won’t lose sleep. I’d just like to see Paul and Poots* make some better decisions and movies, because they’re both wonderful, and I would like for Paul to stop making Xbox commercials, because his “YO!” routine got pretty old.
*Poots, HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!