A quick rundown of this year’s Halloween movies tells us everything we need to know about the current state of the horror film. Headlining the actual holiday is a re-release of Saw, while the Daniel Radcliffe-led thriller Horns only gets a limited release. Halloween might be full of tricks and treats, but it’s still an unfair, cruel bitch. The movie that we’re probably going to be seeing nonstop ads for will be Universal’s Ouija, which will tell the story of some terrible, young actors who need to take a few bucks out of their paychecks and buy some new board games. Meanwhile, October kicks off with a possessed doll in Annabelle, followed by a gritty Dracula origin story and The Canal, which – brace yourself – is the story of a man who loses his mind after he realizes that his house is haunted by the spirits from a century-old mass murder.
Will any of us get to see Kate Beckinsale, Ben Kingsley and Michael Caine star in Stonehearst Asylum come October 24? Probably not, because it’s just not a guaranteed moneymaker with the ideal Hollywood budget. But don’t worry, because Sony Pictures knows just what the horror/slasher genre needs to reignite our love for being scared – another reboot! This time it’s I Know What You Did Last Summer. The 1997 story of some drunk teens who covered up their vehicular homicide of a seemingly innocent man, only to learn that they accidentally almost conveniently killed a terrible murderer, is getting a makeover from Sony Pictures, because studio daddy needs a new pair of shoes (and to protect his job).
According to Deadline, Sony has tapped hot horror writer du jour Mike Flanagan, who wrote and directed Oculus, which earned $40 million at the global box office earlier this year. Because Sony thinks that it can be made on a low budget while leaning on our stupid love of all things 90s to maximize profits, IKWYDLS is on the fast track for a 2016 release. Hopefully, it won’t have to go up against Universal’s Ouija IV: Whose F*cking Hand is Moving It?, because that would just be cannibalism. At the risk of editorializing, though, I just can’t see how any young, unknown actress being pumped out of Hollywood’s stem cell labs could ever fill Jennifer Love Hewitt’s loose-fitting tank tops by not only starring, but also performing the lead single off the soundtrack.