The Definitive Ranking Of David Fincher Films (For Real This Time)

Editor’s Note: Yesterday, I ran a joke ranking of David Fincher films making fun of peoples’ constant need to rank things. Nonetheless, it’s a desire I understand, and Laremy wrote a more earnest ranking, so I’m going to publish that too. What can I say, we contain multitudes.

It’s time for the Internet’s most popular running listicle, the one where Laremy treats movies as if he’d like to date them! This time our subject is David Fincher, hero to the common man.

DAVID FINCHER FILMS BY BANGABILITY

IN A PINCH
Alien 3
It’s not that Alien 3 is a bad film, by any stretch, it’s just that it is Fincher’s worst. No one (NO ONE) could have known that this fellow Fincher would go on to direct legit movies. Hell, even Fincher himself wasn’t sure, he was so disenchanted (possible porn parody for Enchanted?) by the process of making this film that afterwards he went running into the arms of Sting (real name: Gordon) to make a music video for him. Folks, there’s depression, there’s languishing in one’s own misery, and then there’s making a Sting video. The Police? I could see it. But not Sting, dear God, not that.

Panic Room
Kristen Stewart! Jodie Foster! Forest Whitaker! And soooooo much panic! I’ve always kind of wanted a panic room. I have these elaborate fantasies of an underwater lair or perhaps one of those bookshelves that slides out to reveal my own Chipotle franchise, stocked and ready for my panic eating. As for the movie, which I guess is theoretically the point, it’s much more melodramatic and overplayed than later DF movies would come off. Again, it’s not awful, and this would rank as many directors best film, but we’re not talking about “most”, we’re talking about David “the” Fincher “King”. Hell of a weird nickname they’ve given him, but it only underscores the point that the man can direct his way around a bedroom.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
And so begins the area where everyone can start throwing fisticuffs. I can hear it now, “This dude friggin’ aged backward!” I know he did, and I liked little baby Brad Pitt too. Who didn’t? Kid was adorable, and thinking of little baby Pitt being adopted and then robbed from the cradle by Miss Jolie stirred my heart to ten times normal size. But that’s not the point. This was a highly artful, and also highly boring, film. It doesn’t have the rough edges of Panic Room or Alien Tres, but it’s also pretty gosh darned toity (as they used to say in the hood). Well done, but also relatively not worth doing, like Vince’s LinkedIn Profile.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
The last of our “in a pinch titles”, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Why remake this one after the Swedes crushed it so hard? When Sweden does something right, you let it well enough alone, lest they rouse their furious and righteous anger. Meatballs, bikini teams, and massages – when this country puts its mind to something it cinches it up tighter than a well digger’s pucker hole. But Fincher DID do a good job here, the film is pretty solid, and Rooney Mara is extremely convincing as a “dead behind the eyes” (justifiably) psycho who also can’t go out in windstorms without an anvil. They’re never going to make the next two of these, a shame that, because they probably would have gotten better. Fincher was laying the groundwork with Tattoo, the plane was to come later.

HEY GIRL, CAN I GET YO’ NUMBA?
The Game
I’m one of these The Game fans, though I know many aren’t. I suppose I just like the idea that if one of my relatives decides to push me right to the edge of sanity, it will eventually be revealed that it was just an elaborate “love you, bro”. This time around, that’d be really nice, ask Randy Quaid if you want to know what I mean. Sidenote: what do you suppose the bill on this one, say if I wanted to The Game someone? The budget is listed as $50,000,000. That seems excessive, but that’s the movie budget, so I’m not sure it’s totally commensurate. What if you and I started a The Game company? Who would we The Game first? I’m being jocular, admittedly, but I really did like the movie. Especially the part with the day-glo paint. Pretty boss.

Gone Girl
“Whaaaaat? This just came out! How can you have any historical context and/or have passed judgment already?” Because I’m rad, that’s why. Begin to process that. I really enjoyed Gone Girl, on many levels, though most of the levels involved thinking “whatta lady this gone girl is.” I won’t spoil it, because I know you guys hate that noise, but I was impressed with the deliberate nature and crisp storytelling. Fincher tends to draw things out, but there’s also very little wasted motion to his methods. This feels all of 2.5 hours, but it’s also a film that sticks with you, like a pint of ice cream after 10pm. A rough emotional watch, because it involves spouses who aren’t being too spousey, but it’s also deadly effective. Kudoooooos! (Vince’s reviews here and here)

The Social Network
At one time, I was mostly annoyed with this movie, but it’s clear to me now that I was being reactionary, like a nihilist, about the whole thing. I didn’t like a film that felt soooo “important”, even though it was about a twenty-something who was still very much alive. I didn’t love the veracity issues, of which there were enough to fill a garbage truck. I didn’t enjoy the cutesy ending. With all that in mind, I was a bit harsh. Now, when I see this film on the television, I can’t help but enjoy it, and the Fincher / Eisenberg collab on tech ruthlessness / Aspergers resonates. And the guy playing the twins! I also love that Brenda Song, of the Disney Channel, sets his stuff on fire. What a world class awesome lady. The “coding” scenes are ridiculous though, they are much smellier IRL. [Vince’s Note: The Social network over Gone Girl? Laremy has lost it.]

YOU, ME, BATHROOM, BEDROOM, WHEREVER, BABY DOLL.
Fight Club
If you ever catch this again, and I think you should, you’ll note that middle falls apart a bit. And they didn’t know how to end it. That’s the problem with Chuck Palahniuk novels. They are too bonkers for the big screen, just like Jaden Smith.You guys ever read “Rant”? That one will knock your socks off. “Choke” isn’t exactly a trip to the grocery store either. Back to Fight Club, has there been a better Norton performance? He’s so strung out here. Plus, this makes you want to hit people. The scene where he gets “severance” is the dream of every kid with an attachment disorder. Plus, the Pixies! There are two types of people in the world: Those who love Fight Club, and those that want to get punched in the face. I just want to destroy something beautiful every day, which is why I eat fast food and then punish the porcelain. [Vince’s Note: I actually agree with L-squared on Palahniuk. The problem I have with a lot (almost all) of his endings is that he always turns a personal problem into a global phenomenon by the end, and it makes it kind of ridiculous. Fight Club works much better as personal rebellion, less so as Marxist rebellion, for me. Personally.]

Seven
Guys, that box at the end. THAT BOX. The best ending of the Fincher movies, betrayed only slightly by a Mo’ Freeman voiceover. Young, non-Button Brad Pitt has all his moves working here. I’ll admit to being scared out of my wits by this movie if you admit to drinking the last of the almond milk. Seven announced to the world that David Fincher was here, he was a dear, and it asked us to deal with the repercussions of that announcement. This also was the film that earned him actor trust, paving the way for the rest of the big projects, a huge win for Fincher because he’s reportedly pretty tough on his actors. Hey y’all, it’s a job. Butch up.

Zodiac
That “Hurdy Gurdy” song, turned against us, is something truly evil. Who even thinks like that? A very furry Jake Gyllenhaal, the sense of dread, terrible deeds and slow moving cars in the dark. Another terrifying film, but this one has even more restraint. Where S7v7n is the habanero hot sauce you put on your g-ma’s eggs to see what happens, Zodiac is you sitting there, day after day, filling out magazine subscription cards for the girl who dumped you in P.E. It’s that deranged, and also that classic. Numba one, y’all, numba one. Definitively.

Laremy is on Twitter. He’s also not entirely sure the plot of Benjamin Button is plausible..

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