There were a lot of really good movies made in 1989. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade led the way at the box office, while Michael Keaton established himself as the best Batman in Hollywood decades before Christian Bale would growl his way through Chris Nolan’s triology. Marty McFly gave us the Hoverboard in Back to the Future Part II, and Robin Williams made us shout, “Oh captain, my captain!” from the top of our desks in Dead Poets Society. Yes, those were certainly really good movies, perhaps even great. But they certainly weren’t awesome.
The awesome movies were few and far between in 1989. Gleaming the Cube, Who’s Harry Crumb?, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, UHF, and The Punisher come to mind, among several others. And then there were the two perfect movies of 1989. One was Road House, an ass-kicking classic released in May, destined to become the greatest movie ever made about bar bouncers. The other was actually one of the last films released in 1989, on December 22 to be precise. That film was Tango & Cash, arguably the dumbest, funniest, sloppiest, and most ridiculous action buddy comedy ever made, and therefore one of the best films ever produced, at least by my standards.
Unfortunately, a lot of the so-called “critics” out there don’t share my fascination with this epic Los Angeles cop adventure that starred Sylvester Stallone, Kurt Russell, Jack Palance, and a score of familiar 80s movie supporting actors. That’s why I’m going to set the record straight on this wonderful film 25 years later with these very important lessons that I learned while watching Tango & Cash (twice) for its anniversary yesterday.
1) This movie’s production history deserves a movie of its own.
Perhaps the most interesting thing about Tango & Cash is that the role of Gabriel Cash was originally supposed to be played by Patrick Swayze. Had he not had the strong intuition to bail on this project, the film might not have ever been the same, especially since he was replaced by Kurt Russell, who previously starred in Big Trouble in Little China, which is the greatest movie ever made. The addition of Russell, of course, made Tango & Cash the perfect gem that it is, but much more importantly, Swayze left to star in Road House. Basically, had Swayze played Cash, 1989 would have been deprived of its two best movies.
Aside from that factoid, Tango & Cash was ultimately way over budget by the time filming was wrapped, as Warner Bros. switched directors during filming, and brought in other writers and editors to keep tinkering with the concept and script. Celebrated film director and writer Andrei Konchalovsky famously soured on Hollywood because of the demand for commercial films, and mainly because he didn’t like how producers always had to have their say in every aspect of the film. Tango & Cash was a prime example of that, as he was booted near the end of filming.
It’s a good thing, though, because WB brought in Albert Magnoli to finish the film, and he was responsible for the amazing chase scene around the bad guy’s hideout at the end. Just because a film might have been considered a bomb, doesn’t mean it was the bomb. Food for thought.
2) All movies should start out with a cool catchphrase, spoken by one of the stars.
As Tango & Cash opens, Stallone mumbles, “Okay… let’s do it.” I have no idea why. It just happens and the movie is so much better off for it. It’s a lot like when Jim Carrey raps with Tone Loc at the end of Ace Ventura, but so much more macho.
3) Nothing is more important in a badass’s life than a one-liner.
The opening chase (which was a knockoff of Jackie Chan’s Police Story) features a hell of an exchange between Stallone and the bad guy with the huge jaw. But the cherry on top is when jaw guy says, “F*ck you,” and Stallone responds, “I prefer blondes.” Amazingly, that’s actually the film’s appetizer. Between the incredibly flirty prison shower scene and the final shootout at the bad guy’s hideout, this film is packed with wonderful exchanges that sound like they were written on the spot by Stallone. My favorites include:
- “Where the hell did you learn to drive?” “Stevie Wonder.”
- “We’re on fire.” “Yeah, we’re cooking now.”
- “Why is yours bigger than mine?” “Genetics.”
There’s also a strange running joke of the characters asking, “Is that a proposal?” Basically, there is a really strong sexual tension between Tango and Cash throughout the film, but it’s masked by all of the shooting and gun-measuring.
4) Los Angeles cops should always drive the nicest cars.
Tango drives a 1989 Cadillac Allante convertible (above). This makes sense, though, because he’s also a big player in the stock market, and the only reason that he’s a cop is for the action (which, when he said that, made me realize that Mike Lowry from Bad Boys is such a ripoff). As Cash so eloquently put it, he’s Armani with a badge. Another great one-liner, if you’re keeping track. But blue collar Cash isn’t exactly driving around in a beat up El Camino.
He’s inexplicably driving a ’59 Corvette convertible in the beginning of the film, and he just parks it in a garage in his rundown L.A. apartment like it’s just another car. But aside from the sacrilege of not taking proper care of such a beautiful car, I’m not concerned with the validity of him owning it as much as I want to know how he got it. I assume that he took it from a drug kingpin in a daring raid, and that’s why we needed this to be a franchise full of sequels and prequels. Just as Tango and Cash were almost robbed of their lives by being thrown in prison, we were robbed of multiple films and merchandising that included Kurt Russell-endorsed home mullet-poofing kits.
5) The safest place for your “dancer” sister is in L.A.
The only real subplot of T&C is Tango’s smoking hot younger sister, played by the real and spectacular Teri Hatcher, as she is a “dancer” at an upscale L.A. night club that costs $5 to get in. I only point that out because I assume that five bucks in 1989 could buy a trunk full of cocaine. Hatcher’s Kiki dreamed of taking her “dancing” on the road, but Tango wasn’t cool with it, and his word was final, because he paid her rent with all of the money that he makes in the stock market. Naturally, if you want your “dancer” sister to be safe, you keep her “dancing” in L.A., where everyone will treat her with respect.
6) Every villain’s secret layer should look as obvious as possible.
When I was a kid growing up in South Florida, there was this random pyramid-like building that we drove by occasionally and I never knew what the hell it was for. I assumed it was a supervillain’s secret lair, except that he must have been a really shitty supervillain since his pyramid was right out in the open. That’s what Yves Perret’s rock quarry headquarters reminds me of in T&C, because if you happen to be driving out by the airfields outside of L.A. (if they exist and weren’t just a random location for this movie) and you see this building, chances are you’re going to think, “That guy is either a really big drug lord, or he’s just a wasteful prick.” Perret turned out to be a little of both, I think.
7) Never kill the good guy “quicker” and “easier.”
As Perret explained to James Hong and the other bad guy who didn’t play David Lo Pan, you don’t just kill guys like Tango and Cash, when you can ruin their lives and make them suffer instead. Quan and Lopez demanded that Perret kill the hero cops “quicker” and “faster,” but that’s simply not how a multimillionaire operates. He not only wanted to frame them for murdering a federal agent (with the help of more crooked law enforcement officials than have ever been written for one movie), but he wanted to feed them to a prison full of guys who they helped put away. That’s some diabolical stuff right there. You just have to make sure that everyone is paid off on the inside, or some fat dude is going to show them vague blueprints on how to escape.
8) Newspaper clips make a movie look really smart and fancy.
Along with that running theme of gay marriage proposals, there’s a strong reliance on newspapers in this movie. It’s almost as if the studio thought we were too stupid to follow along with the plot, so they added a lot of newspaper clips to explain that Tango and Cash are heroes who busted a lot of bad guys, but they were also seriously up poop’s creek without a paddle. It’s not a bad thing to add to the film, though, because a lot of people might watch it even today and get caught up wondering things like, “Where did Kurt Russell get those shirts?” and “Did he cut the necks off himself?” and “Because he looks like a human action figure.”
9) The key to decorating your prison cell is a picture of a woman peeing.
While Tango’s cellmate in maximum security prison was a crazy murderer played by Clint Howard, Cash was stuck with a giant mountain of a man, who hung a lot of porn on his walls. You can’t blame him for that. But that girl looks like she’s peeing. Penthouse readers love some weird stuff.
10) Don’t ever let things get FUBAR.
Of all the lines in T&C that have stuck with us, FUBAR is probably the most popular. Of course, FUBAR wasn’t unique to just this movie, as it had been used before. But when I was young and saw this movie for the first time, I hadn’t ever heard the term FUBAR before, so it was like the coolest thing that I had ever heard in my life. I’m pretty sure that most of my pre-teen years were spent saying FUBAR with no clue what it actually meant.
11) Things never end well for the big dumb bad guy with the big dumb jaw.
That guy’s jaw, man. For 25 years, I’ve been fascinated by the shape of that man’s face. And the actor’s name is Robert Z’Dar, which is like the perfect last name for a guy with a jaw like that. I won’t encourage someone to make a documentary about his life and career, because I’m not sure anyone shares my fascination, but I would watch it.
12) When you escape prison, especially if you’re a disgraced cop, always go straight to an LAPD weapons depot.
Thanks to all of the newspaper headlines, everyone in L.A. probably knows what Tango and Cash look like. But Cash is a man on a mission, so he doesn’t care that a visit to the LAPD’s special weapons expert Owen would 100 percent lead to someone recognizing him, especially since he has the most amazing mane of hair ever sprayed and fluffed for an 80s action film. The best part about this scene and eventually the visit to Cleopatra’s is how Russell sort of moves his hand to block his face once or twice. It’s almost as if someone was standing on the side of the set and whisper-shouting, “Dude, you are f*cking wanted by the LAPD and FBI!”
13) Don’t worry about your stunt double’s face looking nothing like your face.
The only way that the scene with Tango visiting the FBI dude who took money to set him up could have gone any better would have been if Stallone stood up after the explosion and his stunt double was in the kitchen sipping coffee. Again, these aren’t complaints. I LOVE THIS STUFF. Scenes like this make movies legendary, because all of those movies with so-called good stunt coordination and editing? Nobody remembers them 25 years later.
14) When the heat’s on, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
If you’re not sold on this being one of the greatest action movies ever made by this point, I don’t know what to say anymore. What’s awesome about this scene is that Kiki and Cash both commit assault on the officer by flicking their cigarettes at him, but it’s probably really accurate. Also, did Swayze eventually decide to star in Too Wong Foo because he regretted not being able to film this scene in Tango & Cash? Yes.
15) Never accept what looks like an orgasmic massage from your rival’s sister.
So Tango thinks that his sister is riding Cash cowboy style on the couch that he bought for her, and… he just watches? That’s kind of sick, dude. But then again, Kiki was putting on quite the show, so it was probably a little distracting. I mean, when you’re just a “dancer” and you’re performing a potentially dangerous chiropractic procedure on a man you just met, and he’s sort of still dressed like a woman, things can get a little hot, I guess. Who are we to judge anyone involved in this scenario?
16) Plan A is a loser. Plan A is always a loser.
If Tango & Cash teaches us anything, it’s that the first plan, which is typically the well-organized plan, is never going to work. It didn’t work when the cops escaped prison, and it certainly wasn’t going to work in interrogating the ponytail guy with the awful fake cockney accent. Always cut straight to the grenade taped to the mouth, and when the guy is done peeing his pants, he’ll tell you whatever it is you need to know. Oh, and make sure you leave him alive. You won’t regret that 20 minutes later in the movie.
17) When you’re raiding the bad guy’s compound, you always need an RV from hell.
It’s a good thing that Owen was sitting on the ultimate assault vehicle at a time when Tango and Cash needed it most, but there was one little snag…
18) Make sure to fill up your tank when you’re raiding the bad guy’s compound.
Man, talk about poor gas mileage. Unless Tango and Cash drove a few hundred miles to get to the compound, they burned the majority of that tank in a matter of minutes. When is an automobile manufacturer going to produce a bulletproof super-car that gets decent miles per gallon? And always ditch your invincible, bulletproof RV for construction vehicles that have no protection from all of the people shooting at you. Chances are you killed all of the bad guys anyway, what with Stallone’s incredible aim.
19) Always kill the guy with the shitty British accent and dumb ponytail when you have the chance.
See? If you don’t kill him by stuffing a grenade down his pants when he’s tied up on a roof, you’re going to have to try harder to do it when he has a grenade taped to Kiki’s mouth. Fortunately, ponytail guy was stupid enough to let go of his bargaining chip so he could try to kill Cash with a straight razor, and then Perret was stupid enough to not have his finger on the pin in case they figured out where he was and shot him in the head. I don’t mean to take away from the accomplishments of two great cops like Tango and Cash, but they seemed to rely heavily on luck. But hey, if it works it works.
20) Only high five when it really counts.
Don’t you dare share that macho embrace until the bad guy is dead and your new friend has sort of given you permission to have sex with his sister. Also, as always, make sure that someone from the local newspaper is there to take your picture.