Stream It Highbrow: 7 Ways To Watch All The Sex With None Of The Shame This Valentine’s Day

There's nothing sexier than a dad who smokes around his favorite baby girl There’s nothing sexier than an angry dad who smokes around his favorite baby girl

It’s Valentine’s Day. If you’re single, you have one of three dire options. One, join a ragtag band of Facebook revolutionaries and write 1,000 word status updates condemning the holiday as a “creation of the corporations.” This might get you ten likes, but be advised – you will disappear from news feeds everywhere. Two, gather a group of your best friends (sassy gay man or cynical lesbian recommended, but not required), head out to the nearest Karaoke bar, and bust out Natalie Imbruglia’s “Torn” until the pain goes away. Be grateful that you “seriously have the best friends in the world,” but please note that these same friends will all ship out and shack up, probably sometime in the next twenty minutes. Lastly, you could do what most Americans do: sit at home with your prized chain pizza and your favorite free porn, feet up, pants off, waiting for time to end or the moment to arrive when you can finally cry yourself to a sweet and solipsistic sleep.

But what if there was another way – a way you could still watch (not have, let’s be real here) all the sex without the subsequent sequitur of shame? For this Valentine’s Day, I’ve compiled a list of seven critically acclaimed movies that double as highbrow pornographies. It’s the Criterion Collection meets The Bang Bros, joining together to ensure that this time Debbie Does Doystoevsky, not Dallas. In order to make the cut, each of the movies had to meet the following criteria:

  1. Available for streaming on Netflix. It takes a certain type of bravery (and sad geographic location) to go out and rent a DVD on February 14th, so I made this list in line with the needs of your typical Valentine’s Day shut-in.
  2. A lotta bit dirty, a lotta bit smart. Although the word “erotica” reminds me of some very painful adolescent coffee shop experiences, I wanted to find movies that achieved both physical and narrative climaxes. Sorry Channing Tatum.
  3. No movies with the words Cruelor “Intentionsanywhere in the title. No explanations with the words “because” or “why” necessary either.

The following movies may be a little darker than your standard rom-com (less marriage and money, more death and demise) but that’s just how just how love works. We wait for an end that never seems to come, grateful that we can still rewind to first dates and favorite cleavage shots. Thankfully, there’s no need to be alone this Valentine’s Day.  Breathe. Take a minute. Now reach into your heart, and reach out to your computer.

Around The Web


Chris Hardwick Talks ‘Funcomfortable,’ His Dad’s Personal Mantra, And Keeping A Crazy Schedule

Is There More To The Adam Walsh Story?

Stand-Up Comedy Scared The Hell Out Of Me, So I Decided To Give It A Shot

W. Kamau Bell On Joking With The KKK For CNN And Quoting Malcolm X In His New Special

Chef Jonathan Bennett Shares His Fourteen ‘Can’t Miss’ Food Experiences In Cleveland, Ohio

Jen Kirkman Talking About Her New Book Will Make You Want To Write Your Own

Your Travel Guide To Every ‘Archer’ Location On The Planet

Drifters Take Note: This Couple Has Crucial Advice For Long-Term Travelers

‘Rad’ Star Bill Allen Looks Back On Helltrack And That Iconic BMX Prom Scene, 30 Years Later

Key And Peele Talk About ‘Keanu,’ Why Cats Are Funny, And What They’ll Do If Fame Doesn’t Work Out

Meet Christine Sun Kim — The Sound Artist Who’s Changing The Way We Listen

Presented By
The All-New Prius

UPROXX 20: Jon Lajoie Wishes He Could Go Back In Time To Buy Netflix Stock, Just Like You