I don’t know if I’m ever going to write an organized review of White House Down, be it here or for the Smithsonian, because all I could ever say about such an American masterpiece could only be written in sonnet form. In the meantime, you can settle for Judas’, I mean, Vince’s negative review to help you decide if you want to see it or not. Just know that if you don’t, you’ll never know how to save the President.
In the meantime, I wanted to address some accusations that my exclusive White House Down storyboards were not “100% accurate” or “real”. At the risk of including some spoilers, you may notice when you see the movie two or three times this weekend that there isn’t a scene in which Cole Baretta and Pit Bull teach a classroom of children about the meaning of America or that Chris Brown and an army of the undead don’t show up to declare battle before Cole is rescued by Tupac and Biggie Smalls.
You may even notice that Channing Tatum’s name isn’t Cole Baretta and his partner isn’t a talking American bulldog named Pit Bull and voiced by Pitbull. That’s only because they eventually decided that the storyboards were too much for one film, so all of it will happen in the sequel, White House Down 2: Putin B Trippin’. For now, you can go ahead and give yourself a refresher on our storyboards before you see Roland Emmerich’s masterpiece this weekend.
(For best results, please view these while listening to Bone Thugs n Harmony’s “Crossroads”.)