It’s comments of the week time, folks, and you know what that means. It means it’s that time of the week when we celebrate the real heroes, the unsung heroes. No, I don’t mean cancer doctors or people who teach retarded kids, I mean us, the people who make dumb jokes on the internet to entertain each other while we sit at our crappy jobs and/or toilets. I know I’m supposed to be letting you guys choose these yourselves, but I’m overruling you. In the Pulp Shakespeare post, I challenged you to translate the “I’m a mushroom cloud layin’ motherf*cker, motherf*cker” scene from Pulp Fiction into Shakespearian. Porkythefirst came through in a big way:
Jules: Never shall I forgive this repugnance. This chore reeks of repugnance most foul.
Vince: Jules, forget not the proverb of the man who admits error. His trespasses shall not be subjected to excoriation.
Jules: Still thy torpid tongue and retract your vexatious venom! Never did such a foolish phrase accompany the task of collecting such gruesome gore on your account!
Vincent: My patience has limits, Jules. My temperament can only withstand so many barbs. For now, I am an untamed colt in the stable, and it is unwise to whip the untamed colt, for he may wreak havoc, and that should end your peroration.
Jules: Ah! So you might wreak havoc.
Vincent: Aye, I might wreak havoc.
Jules: Then consider me saltpetre incarnate, imbecile! Each moment that viscera soaks and soils my hand, I am as unto Lucifer! I am transfigured into Hades incarnate! And yet the rear compartment falls to my burden, you loathsome lout? Your hands are meant for this distateful chore! Clamber towards this crimson catastrophe, you cankerous clotpole! I shall groom the steed, and thou shall groom the compartment floor of Moorish gore!
“Thou shall groom the compartment floor of Moorish gore.” If that’s not Comments of the Week worthy, man, I don’t know what is. So email me, Porky, and collect your well-deserved FilmDrunk shirt (which you can all still buy at FilmDrunkShirts.BigCartel.com. Please, support the help-get-these-huge-boxes-out-of-Vince’s-apartment fund). Check out the honorable mentions after the jump.
“Where upon the lawn of this noble house,
or upon the house itself,
or in some proximity to the house
has thou seenest a placard declaring it to operate as a repository for Moors bereft of life?”
“Worry not, Jules. Quell the rabble, then await the presence of the Wolf.”
“Hold. Thou ventures to fetch the Wolf?”
“Aye. Does thy brow unfurrow, knave?”
“Zounds, you Moor dog. Would that you had spake only thine intent.”
Coming in just behind in a photo finish was last week’s winner Mustafa Dystrophy, a master of hard-to-reach puns. From my award-winning post on Max Von Sea Doo:
Mustafa Dystrophy: I hope he doesn’t crash into the Leni reef and stall.
Mustafa Dystrophy: Max Von Sea Doo loves cruising with Swim Wenders.
Larry: Max is good, but he’s no Klaus Jetski.
Larry: He stopped scuba diving after he got the fassbends.
Larry: During the war he commanded a Uwe Boat.
From Brad Bird says the media has been unfair to John Carter, The White Beaner thinks he knows why:
The White Beaner:
John Carter poster tagline brainstorming session:
̶”̶F̶r̶o̶m̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶O̶s̶c̶a̶r̶-̶w̶i̶n̶n̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶d̶i̶r̶e̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶W̶a̶l̶l̶-̶E̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶F̶i̶n̶d̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶N̶e̶m̶o̶”̶
̶”̶F̶r̶o̶m̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶P̶u̶l̶i̶t̶z̶e̶r̶-̶p̶r̶i̶z̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶n̶n̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶w̶r̶i̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶f̶r̶o̶m̶ ̶S̶p̶i̶d̶e̶r̶-̶M̶a̶n̶ ̶2̶”̶
̶”̶F̶r̶o̶m̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶b̶e̶l̶o̶v̶e̶d̶ ̶n̶o̶v̶e̶l̶s̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶E̶d̶g̶a̶r̶ ̶R̶i̶c̶e̶ ̶B̶u̶r̶r̶o̶u̶g̶h̶s̶”̶
“Yes, that certainly is his name.”✔
From Richard Dreyfuss’s awkward red carpet interview, Lester Mayes Hayes gets historical on our asses:
Lester Mayes Hayes: The French had a point about that Dreyfuss guy.
From Woody Allen was watching basketball while he was winning an Oscar (WOODY ALLEN AIN’T CARE!):
ChinoMoreno: He’s a huge fan of Lincest.
I don’t know much about basketball, but she knocked that one out of the park. From Lights Camera Jackson goes on Leno because Leno has no shame:
Jessolido: On the brightside, we’ll probably never read about the many prostitues this kid cries in front of then murders – he definitely seems like the kind of person who eats his victims.
And finally, from Tim Burton’s Frankenweenie certainly looks Tim Burtony:
GlennBeckHasAIDS: “It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen before!” – Lights Camera Jackson
I could go on, but this post can only be so long. In all seriousness though, folks, you crack me up week in, week out, and most of you are so consistently clever and informative that it mostly makes up for the two or three assholes who say nothing but stupid crap. I mean, it’s all a rich tapestry and all that shit, but whoever said “everyone’s entitled to their opinion” clearly never met everyone.